“To give me? Hmm. I don’t like the sound of this.” I’d been slowly getting my memories back as the weeks passed. Many were memories from the last couple of years, many of which included Anna. So I now knew her well enough to know when she was keeping something from me.

“Sheesh, don’t be such a pessimist! So I’ll come home in a few minutes.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Awesome. See yah.”

“Bye.”

In the last few weeks since Connor’s death, I had a lot of time to reflect on everything that’d happened. I was also remembering many of the memories I’d had with Connor, and the more I remembered, the more I realized how far from perfect our relationship had been. Even if I was able to overlook what he’d done the night of our engagement and was able to put that aside, there had been so many red flags that our relationship didn’t work. Yet, I heeded none of them.

Anna walked into our apartment with a sheepish smile on her face.

“What’s going on?” I looked at her suspiciously.

“Don’t be upset, okay?”

“Anna?”

Anna grinned and handed me a box. “Ethan stopped by my office today, and wanted me to give you this.”

“He did what?” I looked at her in outrage.

“Well you weren’t picking up his calls or answering his text messages. He didn’t know what to do. He said he wanted to explain everything to you, so if you weren’t willing to meet him to listen to him, he was going to show you.”

I eyed the box nervously. “What’s inside?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

I studied the simple white box and frowned. “I don’t know if I want to look inside. I don’t know if I can handle anymore lies at this point.”

Anna looked at me sympathetically. “Liv, I know you may not want to hear this, but I think you should at least hear what he has to say before writing him off completely.”

“But…”

“If what he told you was true, and he was no longer working for Connor after that day you met him outside the museum, then that means the other times after that had nothing to do with Connor?”

“It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Liv, when you lost Scooter out in the rain, he was the one that was out there looking for him with you in the rain. You told me that he was different that night. He wasn’t forceful, and he didn’t try to come on to you. He was just there because he cared. When Connor, your then-fiancé stood you up on your birthday and you were alone, he was there by your side and made sure you had an unbelievable birthday. And then that night when you broke it off with Connor and he tried to kill you, Ethan was there and rescued you.” Anna sighed and placed a hand on top of mine. “It seems like every time you were lonely or needed help, he would always be there for you. Yes he may have lied to you, but he didn’t have to do all that if he didn’t care. So I think you should at least hear him out.”

I stared at the box once again and I knew she was right. As much as I’d tried to convince myself during the last three weeks that what Ethan and I had was not real, my heart wouldn’t believe me.

“Okay,” I finally said. “I’ll hear him out.”

I took the box and placed it in front of me. I pushed away the hesitation I felt and opened the box.

My eyes grew wide when I saw what was inside.

There, sitting innocently inside the box, was an old pink leather journal. I held my breath as I reached for the journal. I touched the journal in disbelief. As my fingers traced the worn leather and the deep creases along the bind, I knew this was the journal from my flashbacks. I knew this was my journal.

On top of the journal was a Post-It Note that said:

Can we start over from the beginning?

“Why did he ask me to give you that?” Anna’s face fell and the excitement that had been twinkling in her eyes since she’d arrived had instantly vanished. But I had barely noticed this drastic change. My eyes were transfixed on the worn pink leather journal in my hand.

“This was my diary from childhood,” I answered softly, unsure of what this all meant.

“It’s your diary?” She looked at me incredulously. “But how’s that possible?”

“I…I don’t know.”

I gingerly opened the journal to the page and let out a gasp.

The first entry was dated September 7, 1995. Instead of starting my first journal entry with the usual “Dear Diary,” there in my own handwriting from years ago, I wrote “Dear Ethan.”

CHAPTER THIR TEEN

I stared at those two words in shock. How was this possible? Why was I writing my journal entries to Ethan?

I flipped through the journal and to my surprise, all the entries started off with “Dear Ethan” instead of “Dear Diary.” I felt dizzy as I tried to understand what this meant and why Ethan was a part of my past.

“Hey, Liv, there’s some other stuff in this box,” Anna suddenly said as she dug past the tissue paper inside the box. She pulled out a card and DVD.

She handed me the card and DVD from him. I opened the card and inside was a handwritten note from Ethan and the goofy picture we had taken together at Free Fall Adventures. I smiled at how happy and alive we both looked in the picture, and fresh tears fell down my face.

I looked back to the card and read it:

Dear Olivia,

I cannot express how sorry I am for not telling you everything when I had the chance. I know you might not want to see me again, but I couldn’t let you disappear from my life again without trying to explain things to you. I hope that the DVD and your diary will be a good start. And I hope you will be able to forgive me for not being honest with you.

When you’re ready, and I hope you will be, I will be here waiting for you.

Love,

Ethan

My chest heaved up and down and my heart beat violently against my chest as my eyes lingered on the words, “Love, Ethan.” Had he really been a part of my past? But why didn’t he tell me?

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before I returned to the first entry of the journal. With my stomach in knots and my skin prickling with excitement and fear, I began to read the journal I had written to Ethan almost twenty years ago.

September 7, 1995

Dear Ethan,

Happy birthday to us! I hope you like the Power Rangers cards I got you. Thank you for this journal. I love it! I promise I'm going to write in it all the time! It’s the best birthday gift. I can’t believe I’m ten now, and you’re twelve! Now you can’t tease me for being a baby, right?

You are my very best friend. I hope you know that. I am happy you are here. You make me laugh and you always know how to make be me feel better. Like today at my birthday party, when Mr. Robbins brought over some special punch that he said was only for the adults. My mom got really upset when my dad fell on the ground when we were eating cake, and she blamed it on the punch. She said he fell off the wagon. I don’t know what that means, but they had a fight after everyone left, and it was the first time I’ve seen them yelling at each other like that. I ran over to your house, and you made me feel better. You even made me your special sandwich with the peanut butter, banana, and bacon. You’re right, they do taste like Heaven (but to be honest, I don’t know what Heaven is suppose to be like). It was delicious and it did make me feel better.

Okay, it’s time for bed. I see your light is off in your room already, so you must be asleep already. Sweet dreams, Ethan. I will see you tomorrow.

Love,

Liv

My eyes were full of tears when I read the entry. Ethan was my childhood best friend. It took me a moment to let the idea sink.

I went back to the journal and continued reading. After some time, I got to a journal entry that caught my eye.