“Poor darlin’. I left her surrounded by a sea of tissues. Not much of a vacay, huh?” Ashley loved to abbreviate random words like that. Like I soon learned that “tote hilare” meant “totally hilarious” — one of her favorite phrases. As in “Did you see that dude in the spandex pants and the matching vest?! That was tote hilare!” Or “They serve Jell-O without cool whip on top! Isn’t that just tote hilare?!” Somehow with her southern lilt it worked. And she was the first person I’d ever met who could talk faster than me. It was fun to hear her chirp and tweet about the snow, the air, the beauty of it all.

When we got to the top of the lift and landed, she glided over to a ledge a little farther than I’d been before. Then she opened her arms and tilted her face up into the sun. “I just love it!” she sang. Her braids fell down her back, her lips smiling up into the sky. “C’mere, look at this!” she said.

I was going to tell her that I had a lot on my mind right now and maybe I would later, but she didn’t even wait for my response. “Come here!” She pulled me over to where she was standing. The whole city of West Lake lay below. And beyond that, miles and miles of mountains and plains.

“Wow,” I heard myself say.

“Yeah. Pretty phenom, huh?” she said. “Hard to find too many things wrong with the world when you see it from up here.”

She was right. Maybe I was taking myself a little too seriously. Nobody had died or anything. Phoebe was acting a little strange. I’d hear the whole story later. And I just needed to talk to Drew so we could get on the same page, too. I didn’t need this whole sex thing to ruin my good time. I vowed then and there to make the most of the day. Take in the fresh mountain air. See new bits of sky. And when we got down I would march over to Drew and I would look him square in those stunning eyes and I would say, Listen, I know that I’m not like a lot of other girls, but just give me some time. I have really kissable lips and a lot of other good qualities. Like I have a great sense of rhythm and I have 20/20 vision and I’m not bad at Ping-Pong and I can —

Okay, maybe I’d come up with something shorter.

Ashley wanted to try the Basin Trail. She said it was supposed to be intermediate level, but there weren’t too many turns and at the bottom there was a basin with a little pond and sometimes kids from the neighborhood went ice-skating there.

“We have to walk a little ways to get there, but I promise it’s supposed to be tote delish.” Sounded good to me.

We made our way to the head of the trail and pushed off. I leaned forward, bending my knees, nose pointed straight ahead.

“Woo-hoo!” I heard Ashley yell below me.

“Woo-hoo!” I yelled back, the wind whipping my face. It felt great. My legs felt solid and sturdy. I followed the trail carefully, taking in deep breaths, smelling the firs, the bark, the cold. And then we emptied out into a beautiful opening. There was a circular pond, slick and white, with a handful of kids slipping and tripping around in lopsided circles. There were two mothers standing by the side, watching.

“So cute,” sighed Ashley.

“Mmm-hmmm,” I agreed.

“They look so free,” she said.

“Yeah. Yeah.”

We stood there and just watched. It felt so good and therapeutic to see their little bodies flailing and flopping, weebling and wobbling. They were having so much fun. They didn’t care what they looked like or if they were cool or if they were supposed to be something that they weren’t. They were just being. I had a lot to learn from them. I needed to just be okay with me the way that I was.

Okay. One thing I’m not good at is waiting.

I was sitting in the living room of the inn at 11:00 that night, staring at my cell phone, which was still not ringing. Hadn’t Phoebe said that she would call me or I would call her, but that some way we would talk tonight? What was with her? I felt like I was going to go nuts just sitting in front of the fire all night. And I didn’t want to go outside and go for a walk, because I was kind of expecting another call, too, on the land line. Only it was pretty obvious at this point that that wasn’t going to happen. But I promised myself I wouldn’t give up hope. Not yet, at least.

This is what happened. That afternoon, I had seen Drew leaving the chalet just as I was returning my skis. I ran after him.

“Hey!” (Me: panting, smiling brightly, determined.)

“Hey.” (Him: blank face, eyes shifty, but still frustratingly handsome.)

“Are you on your way somewhere?” (Me: still smiling, still determined.)

“Yup.” (Him: uninterested, taking out a ChapStick.)

“Well, I’d love to talk, if you want.” (Me: trying to remember global warming, nuclear proliferation, everything else more important and sadder than this moment.)

“Sure, yeah. Listen, I’m late.” (Him: walking away.)

“Well, do you want my number maybe?” (Me: determined. Not to cry.)

“I’ll just call the inn. I’ve got the number there …” (Him: disappearing into the dark, his voice trailing off, leaving me shivering and cold.)

So I came back to the inn, crushed and hollow. Ashley asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel where she was staying and watch movies with her and Emily, but I told her I was pretty tired. Which was true. I was tired of wondering. And wishing. And waiting.

I tried Phoebe a bunch of times again before giving up and settling on the couch in the living room. It was pretty quiet there, actually. Jeremy and Aaron had gone out with some other guys to hear a local band, and Dad and Kathy had gone to bed early. There were a couple of other guests hanging around the fire and I briefly saw Eric and Phil cleaning up after supper, but besides that, I was mostly by myself, trying to figure out what I was going to say when (or if) either phone rang. So far, nothing. Except for one time I came back from the bathroom and there was a copy of Franny and Zooey on the couch where I had been sitting. I guess Eric had put it there. Which was bizarre, right? That guy was hard to figure out. I actually tried opening it and reading, but all the words kept swimming around in front of me.

11:28. The phone next to me started vibrating.

“Pheebs!”

“Hey, Sam.”

“Okay, what is going on?”

“Sorry, it’s been really busy here. You know, my cousin Amy is staying with us for a few days.” I had forgotten about that. Phoebe’s cousin Amy is really cool. She’s two years older than us and lives in Seattle and loves to go to the movies and shopping and stuff. But still, it didn’t seem like Amy would stop Phoebe from calling me.

“Well, so what have you been doing? Seen any movies or anything?” I tried to sound relaxed and chatty, but I felt like I was going to split in half, I was so uneasy.

“Not really,” she said. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” Two could play at that game, right? Only it felt really stupid and mean. And I was dying to tell her about everything with Drew and Liz, and Ashley, but mostly Drew. It was so horrible just sitting here in this empty space.

Please, just say something. Anything.

I heard her take in a long breath.

“Actually, Sam, I guess there is something I want to say. I was gonna talk to you about it when you got home but …” She trailed off.

“Please, Pheebs. It’s me, your best friend. What is it? Is everything okay?” Another thing I am not good at is surprises. And this one didn’t sound like tickets to the circus or a new puppy.