Since we had started seeing each other, I knew he hadn’t dated any other girl. How could he when he spent every night with me? I wondered, though, how long he would wait for me, until I was ready to have sex with him. A month? Two months? I was sure that if I waited too long, he would dump me.

Another one of my worries was Jason—my brother and his best friend.

“The girls know about us,” I told him one afternoon. We were behind the bleachers while Jason and Luke had their practice run. He had me pinned against a wall, but when I spoke, he retreated a step.

“And?”

“They think it’s great since we’re all friends now and hang out together anyway.”

His posture visibly relaxed, and he reached for me again. “I think it’s great too,” he whispered, lowering his lips to mine.

“What about Jason?” I blurted out. I didn’t want to be that girl, the one who pressured the guy to meet the family, but the thing was, he already knew my family, and since we were all going out together now, it was getting harder and harder to sneak around with him.

Ryan’s body stilled. “What about him?”

Somehow, Jason found out about our first kiss and had punched Ryan, warning him to stay away from me. But he didn’t, and we had been more careful after that. Nevertheless, I didn’t know how long we would be able to keep this up behind Jason’s back.

“When are you going to tell him?”

Letting out a long breath, he ran a hand through his hair. “Things are great the way they are, don’t you think?”

I did, but it bothered me a little how he was dismissive of letting others know about our relationship.

Once again, I realized that if I had noticed the signs, I could have stopped my heart from falling in love with Ryan. If I hadn’t fallen in love with him, my father and I would be okay, and I wouldn’t have run away. Right now, I would be studying architecture at Clemson or Charlotte. I would come home for every holiday and summer vacation. Rachel, Sophie, and I would still be close, and I would still love pictures and sketching people.

I sighed. “Sorry, I can’t.”

Sophie walked up to me, her eyes kind. “You know, I may be mistaken, but you need some closure. To put the past totally behind you.”

“There’s nothing to close,” I whispered. Unwanted tears burned my eyes. “There was never anything to close.”

She embraced me. “Oh, there was, and you know it.”

Rachel appeared by our side. “I agree. You need to find a way to say goodbye to the past. Maybe going to the tracks will be it. Maybe riding a bike with Luke or Jason.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure what would do the trick. I think only you will know, but I think you need closure.”

Jesus, what was with these girls? They wanted to kill me. Closure meant thinking about the past, reliving it, and I so wasn’t ready for it. In fact, I knew I would never be. Despite the few memories pushing their way to my mind here and there, I just wanted to forget the past.

“I’ll think about it,” I lied.

“Good.” Sophie embraced me again.

Then it was Rachel’s turn. “Call if you need to talk.”

“I will,” I lied again. I hated lying to them. Even though I still loved them, we had grown apart. Things would never be the same. “Have fun,” I called as they dashed to the car.

I waved as the car drove away, then turned on my heels and stormed into the house in search of some honey. I needed a sweets overdose.

***

Ryan

Every two weeks, I had to work at the Habitat for Humanity on Saturdays. I had many, many hours to put in, and if I didn’t work a couple of Saturdays here and there, I would have to keep at this for many more months.

I sighed, examining the alignment of the doorframe I was installing.

Why did I care so much about finishing my hours with Habitat for Humanity when I had no idea what I would do next? Who would hire me? With my fucked-up past, no one. Though, until I finished my hours, I wouldn’t be free. Not of my father at least. He would still pay for my rent, my bills, my food, and I would have to report to him every weekend, to show him I wasn’t getting out of line.

I had to finish this.

But then what?

I reached for the door, leaning against a wall.

There was a time when I wasn’t so sure about my future, but someone was.

On a weeknight, Jessica had sneaked out of her house to go riding with me, as she often did. That day, though, I wasn’t feeling so great. I had had a big argument with my father.

“You’re nineteen,” my father started. “When are you going to grow up? Playing around with bikes isn’t going to pay your bills.”

I had heard that speech many, many times before. And I wasn’t the only one. I knew Jason also heard that same speech from his father.

As much as I fought it, my anger always built up, and instead of being quiet and just ignoring him, I engaged him. I retorted, I yelled, I kicked the air. That day though, he went as far as saying I was a big disappointment.

“Don’t worry,” I barked. “You still have Brianna and Tommy to keep you happy.”

I raced out of the house, slamming the door in the process, and went after Jess. For some reason, when I thought of her, my anger subsided a little.

So, instead of riding around aimlessly, that night I parked the bike alongside a field just out of town, took Jess’s hand, and after a hundred steps or so, plopped down on the grass.

With a wary smile, she lay down beside me, her shoulder and arm touching mine.

In silence, we watched the stars. Here, they were shinier than in town, prettier. Incredible how something so little could actually be so big, and be so many miles away. Incredible how big the universe was. Incredible how insignificant I was.

A flutter ran up my stomach. I tilted my head to the side and found Jessica turned to me, her elbow on the grass and her head propped on her hand. Her other hand drew circles on my stomach.

“Want to talk about it?” she asked, her voice low.

How the hell did she know something was wrong?

“Not really.”

She scooted closer and laid her head on my shoulder. “I’m here. When you want to talk.”

I slid an arm under her and pulled her body flush with mine. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, loving her wild rose scent. Her fingers shifted to my chest, making me shiver.

A beautiful night, with a beautiful girl. What else did I need in life?

I sighed. “Sometimes I wonder what I’ll do with my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t race forever.”

She tilted her head up and looked me in the eyes. “Why not?”

“Because …” I didn’t have a good answer.

“I don’t see why not. I mean, you’re really good at racing, and even if you don’t make it to the top, you can still work with bikes, can’t you? You love bikes. And you can fix them like no one else in this town.”

I let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Right. Because my father would love to see his son working in a bike shop, covered in grease all day.”

She shrugged, her shoulder digging into mine. “I understand wanting to please your parents—believe me, I know—but sometimes you have to follow your heart. Fixing bikes would be honest work, one that would put food on your table, clothes in your closet, and a roof over your head. Maybe a simple roof, but still a roof, which is more than a lot of people in this country have. Or would you rather be a fancy lawyer or doctor, driving a Ferrari, living in an empty mansion, and completely miserable?”

“I wouldn’t be completely miserable driving a Ferrari,” I joked. She poked her finger in my ribs. “Ouch!”