I swallowed the tears and focused on my clothes.

The front door opened and closed.

“Shit,” I whispered. I rushed and closed my bedroom door, hoping whoever was here would think I was already asleep, even though it was still early.

Frozen in place, I waited and listened.

Heavy footsteps climbed the steps. Jason.

“Mama?” he called. “Jess?” He stopped by my door and waited, as if trying to listen for something. Slowly, he opened the door and spied inside. He smiled when he saw me standing beside the bed. “Hey, I thought you were sleeping.” Then his gaze shifted to the suitcases on my bed. With a big frown, he stepped into the room. “What—? Where are you going?”

Tears filled my eyes. “I’m going home.”

“Here’s home.”

I shook my head. “No, Jason, it isn’t. It hasn’t been since I left.”

“But … what changed your mind?”

A tear rolled down my cheek. “I shouldn’t have come in the first place.”

“Papa is dying. Of course you should be here.”

“I talked to him today. He doesn’t want me here. He’ll never forgive me.”

“I think the main question is, do you forgive him? Because to me, he’s the one that treated you badly.”

I gasped, looking at my brother as if I had never seen him. “So … you’re on my side?”

He smiled. “I was always on your side, sis. However, I do think you need to pretend to let him forgive you. You know, with the situation the way it is, I think he needs that before …” He dies. Yeah, I knew that. “Well, that was one try. You didn’t really think he would let his walls down that easily?”

“Well, he is dying, isn’t he?” I winced with the force of my words. Two seconds ago, Jason had avoided saying it, and here I was, throwing the words as if they meant nothing. I sighed. “If I were him, I would try to make peace with everything and everyone.”

My brother shook his head. “Papa isn’t like that. It won’t be easy to break him.”

Anger flared in me. “If he’s such a pain in the ass, why bother?”

“Because he’s your father!” He took a step toward me. “Come on, Jess. You were always strong. You never let Papa take you down this easy.”

“It wasn’t just Papa,” I said in a low voice. “It was Ryan too. He came over.”

“Oh. So he told you.”

“Yup. He did. Because of me, he got into an accident, he injured someone, he went to jail and has to attend anger management classes, and now he’s on parole. Oh, let’s not forget about his father and how he hates me now.”

He crossed the room and grabbed my shoulders. “No, Jess. It wasn’t your fault.”

I jerked away from him. “He said that too, but come on. How isn’t it my fault?”

“It isn’t!” Jason threw up his hand. “He was a big boy. He drank because he chose to; he went to that race because he chose to. It was his fault. He could have mourned you another way, but his choice, his alone, was the wrong one.”

“It doesn’t change anything. I shouldn’t have come and I’m gonna fix it.” I turned to my bag, but he pulled me back. “Let me go.”

“So that’s it. You’re just gonna run away. Like a coward. Again?”

His words hit hard and I inhaled a sharp breath. “Ouch.”

“Sorry,” he whispered before leaving my room.

I sank down on my bed.

He didn’t say he didn’t mean it though, and it was because he did mean it. And the truth was, he was right. It killed me to admit it, it choked me to think about it, but he was right. I was acting like a coward.

Chapter Seventeen

Ryan

This year, Fourth of July was on a Tuesday. As usual, I had dinner with my family at their house, and endured my father’s sharp words and my mother’s worry. In addition, like any other dinner, it was tense and awkward. Apparently, Tommy had gotten in some shit recently and now Dad was pissed at him too. Not that I wanted him to follow in my footsteps, but it felt good not being the only one not in my father’s good graces.

When I was little, we used to camp outside in the backyard. Mom decorated the porch, the fence, and a small tent. She also cooked a big chocolate cake for dessert, and Dad worked on his famous barbecue.

Later, when it was dark enough, we would light sparklers and Dad let off a couple of fireworks. It was a fun, happy time.

These day, we ate at the inside table, and as soon as dessert was finished, Tommy, Brianna, and I left.

From my parents’ house, I drove to a bridge outside of town to meet the guys. Here, we could see the fireworks in the distance. It was quiet and dark, making it a nice event.

Of course, the main event was actually about bringing more people and beer, and turning it into a party. Fortunately, I had come armed with several cans of Coke.

I stood at the edge of the bridge with Jason, Luke, and Ethan. We had seen Tommy arriving with his friends, then Brianna and Lindsey. Sophie and Rachel and some other girls were across the bridge. I had even seen Gabe around—a guy from North Carolina who usually raced with Luke. But I hadn’t seen Jessica.

By the time the fireworks show had finished, Ethan was gone, probably chasing after the girl he was flirting with. He barely talked about her, and if he had ever mentioned her name, I had already forgotten.

As Luke and Jason chatted about the next race, I leaned against the rail, looking at the stars. After that night under the stars with Jessica, the night she told me I could be anything I wanted to be, I never looked at the night sky the same way. It was like the stars and I shared a secret, as if the night sky knew something about me that no one else did.

Jason leaned on the rail beside me. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” I glanced over my shoulder. “Where’s Luke?”

“He went to the car to grab a bottle of whiskey.”

“Oh.” Maybe it was time for me to leave. Seeing the guys drinking whiskey while I had to hold back was probably a bad idea.

I looked around, trying to remember where I had parked my car.

“She didn’t come,” Jason said. He must have misinterpreted me and thought I was looking for his sister. “Rachel and Sophie stopped by the house and tried to convince her to come, but since you told her about your past, she’s been quiet. Well, quieter.”

I frowned. “Why?” He shrugged. “I didn’t tell her so she would feel bad about it. I told her because I realized she would find out one way or other. Better if it came from me.”

Jason nodded. “I know.” He tilted his head at me. “Are you okay?”

I chuckled—a sarcastic sound. “Never been better.”

With a hint of pity in his eyes, he placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “You know I’m here for you, man. Whatever the problem is.”

“I know, J-man.” I sighed. However, there was nothing to be done. My problem was with the past, and unfortunately, I couldn’t change it. Neither could I let it go.

Luke showed up with the whiskey bottle. “Dude, it took me a few minutes to find it. I thought I had forgotten it.”

I glanced at the bottle, then at Jason. Comprehension spread across his face.

“Luke, maybe we shouldn’t drink that tonight,” Jason said.

Luke’s face fell, but a second later, he nodded. “Right. Of course.”

“Nah, it’s okay.” I pushed against the rail. “I have to wake up early tomorrow, so I’m gonna go. But you guys should drink that whiskey and have a good time.”

“Ryan, you don’t need to go,” Jason started.

I shook my head. “No, I do.” I wasn’t kidding about waking up early. After all, I had to be at the Habitat for Humanity site at eight sharp. As much as I wanted to stay and drink—Coke—with them, I knew my mood wasn’t great for company. “See you guys soon.”

Jason and Luke smacked my shoulder as I walked past them. The party went on as I walked by. I smiled, but inwardly, I envied them. I still had a wild night here and there, but if I could help it, they happened rarely. Meanwhile, these people could drink and stay out all night long. They could have fun; they could enjoy themselves, guiltlessly.