By sleeping with Ryan when I was sixteen, I had shamed him. I had disgraced the family name. I was now impure and unworthy. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness. Not that I wanted it. I didn’t think I needed his forgiveness, but he was dying. Would he go and we wouldn’t set things right? Or half right?

I knew this would be hard. He would never understand; he would never see this through my eyes. So then, why was I here?

A black Mustang parked on the street beside our fence.

My heart skipped a beat, and then sped up when Ryan stepped out of the car. He opened the side door on the fence and entered the backyard.

Lune jumped off the chair and barked at him twice.

“Shhh,” I told her.

Ryan looked too handsome walking across the grass in a dark red T-shirt, jeans, and black boots. His face was solemn, but that didn’t lessen his beauty. In fact, maybe it even intensified it.

His eyes met mine and my throat went dry. He climbed up the few back porch steps and leaned against the rail beside the table.

“Hi,” he said as Luna sniffed his boots.

“Hey,” was all I could muster.

He glanced at the half-empty honey bottle and the empty plate on the table. “I see you still like honey.”

I gripped the arms of my chairs. “W-what are you doing here?”

Ryan crossed his arms. “We should talk.”

***

Ryan

I hadn’t seen Jessica this nervous in a long time. Not since she came back, that was for sure. The fact that she had downed half a bottle of honey was proof how much she was nervous, irritated, worried, or angry.

Well, I deserved all of those feelings. And more.

The problem was, I was a little nervous too. I didn’t like telling anyone about what happened, though most people in town knew about it. If it depended on me, Jessica would never know. She already hated me for that damn fishing trip; now she would hate me even more.

However, after the shit my father said to her last night, I couldn’t just not tell her. She had a right to know she wasn’t a disgrace to me. No. I was a disgrace to her.

“Are you going to tell me what happened after I left?”

I groaned. “I don’t really want to, but yes, I’ll tell you.”

She let out a long breath. “Okay.”

And that was it. The ball was in my court. How did I start telling her all the shit?

“I should probably begin with what happened between us.”

She shifted her weight as Luna settled at her feet. “I’m not sure that’s necessary.”

“It is.” I inhaled a deep breath, gathering strength. I glanced at her bedroom window. I must have scaled that wall at least ten times when we were together. “After you left, I lost it. You had left and I didn’t explain. I tried reaching you after you left, but your phone was gone and nobody knew your new number. Jason got your grandma’s phone number for me, and I called a few times. Your grandmother hung up on me.”

“What?”

“I guess she was also mad at me. Anyway, I guess I lost it. I began drinking, because it was better than remember the hurt in your eyes, and your father beating you up in the square.” She flinched. “I was fired from my job because I simply stopped going. My parents went crazy because I was never home, and whenever they found me, I was passed out on some curb. Jason, Luke, and Ethan tried helping me, but I didn’t really want help. That’s when Ethan’s uncle came to me, saying he had arranged a spot for me in a professional bike race. He believed I could make it big, if I sobered up and showed up on time. I was trying to, but the night before the race, Caryn showed up at my door, and I almost hit her. I pushed her so hard, she fell on the sidewalk and scraped both elbows. I was so angry and frustrated that I went to bed with a bottle of Jack.

“The next morning, I showed up for the race drunk. Ethan’s uncle gave me a shower, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t want me to drive drunk, but I sneaked past him and I went. I raced drunk.” I paused. This part was never easy. “I ended up causing an accident with three other racers. Two of them suffered minor injuries. I did too.” I pointed to the scars on my neck. The others on my back, she would never see. “But the other one, he got the brunt of it. My bike fell on him, smashing his back.” She pressed her hand over her mouth. “He ended up a paraplegic, and I ended up in a correctional facility.”

“No,” she whispered. “For how long?”

“Two years, eleven months, and twenty-seven days.”

I decided to skip the part where I got in trouble my first two months in jail because of my temper. I had to go back in front of the judge, and he ruled that I was to attend anger management classes. After a few of those classes, the councilor said Jessica was one of my triggers. He made me promise to stay away from her.

“I got out on parole. I can’t go more than forty miles out of town, I shouldn’t drink, I can’t ride my bike, and I have curfews on weekdays. Officer Mike follows me around everywhere, because he would love to see me fail. But I have only four more months or so, and then I’m free.”

“Why would he love to see you fail?”

I cringed. “I was a jerk to his sister.” She winced, certainly knowing what being a jerk really meant. “It was before we were toge—”

“You don’t have to explain.” She shifted her weight in her chair, making Luna stand and walk away. “And Habitat for Humanity?”

“Judge’s orders. I can quit that once my parole ends too.”

“That’s … wow. A lot to take in.” She fiddled with the hem of her tank top, but her blue eyes never left mine. “I’m sorry.”

I nodded. “Me too.” I pushed away from the rail. “Well, now you know. And please, ignore my father. He has become hard to deal with since everything went down. You know, he was never a fan of my choices, but since you left and the accident, he practically hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Oh, he does.”

“I don’t think that’s true. I think he’s just worried about you. He wants you to finish your parole and be free. He must be worried I’m here since I caused everything.”

I stilled. “Jess, you didn’t cause anything. Yes, I was depressed, but I let myself go down that road. I did this to me. You understand that, right?” She didn’t say anything. “Right?”

She nodded, but I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t believe me. Shit.

“I’m really sorry,” she whispered. In slow motion, she stood and walked inside her house, closing the back door with a low click.

I stared at the door while Luna whined at my side, wanting to go in. “Sorry, girl. Can’t help you now.”

With one last glance at the door, I descended the stairs and crossed the yard.

I felt a little lighter for having told her the truth, but something else filled my chest. No, I can’t feel like that. Not now.

As if I had ever taken my own advice.

***

Jessica

I heard his car taking off from my bedroom window. The urge to peek was overwhelming, but I kept on taking my clothes from my closet and putting them in my bags.

A half plan formed in my mind—pack, check the internet to see if there was a train or a plane that went toward Cleveland soon, and leave. Hopefully, before Mama or Jason came home.

I closed the first suitcase and sat on my bed, a heavy ball dropping in my chest, making it hard to breathe.

Oh my God. Ryan had gone to jail because of me, he was on parole because of me, and his father hated me and took it out on him. Look at all the shit I had caused.

Not to mention my father. He wouldn’t forgive me; he said so himself.

Then why was I here? I had been asking myself this question since I first got here, but I never did anything about it. Well, now I was. Now I would do something about it.