Despite the progress I’ve made, I still have the desire to purge when I’m stressed out, or hit with a nightmare in the middle of the night. But each time I’m tempted, I’m supposed to grab my journal and write out my thought process. And not an overview, she wants every single detail.

At first I was hesitant because my words were all over the place. When I’m having an anxiety attack or refraining from a purge, I don’t operate in complete sentences. My thoughts are incredibly negative, self-depreciating, and dark. They hurt to write as much as they tear me up to read after the fact.

I wouldn’t ever read them if I wasn’t forced to at the beginning of each session. There’s no small talk in therapy. Instead, Michelle makes me read each new journal entry aloud. Painstakingly, I go over each line and figure out why I felt that way and how I can process it as a lesson instead of beating myself up about it. At first I was frustrated because despite reading and taking feedback from the entries, I was still repeating some of the same thoughts and mistakes over and over. It became impossible to believe I’d ever be able to break the addiction. And that’s exactly what it is. The highs and lows that go along with a purge are hard to stop craving.

Convinced the therapy exercise wasn’t working for me, I was ready to give up. But patterns aren’t easy to break and neither is addiction. So while I’d love to be able to say I’ve refrained from purging, I can’t. It’s still as much a part of me as before, even if the frequency has lessened. With Michelle’s help, I’m more aware of my negative thought process and maybe even a few of the triggers. I definitely won’t be cured overnight and have a lot of deep rooted issues in regards to my childhood to sort through. I was never given a chance to fully grow into the adult I am now. But with time and a lot more patience, it can only get better. I think.

Kipton squeezes my hand. “I’m proud of you, Sophie. It takes strength to face your demons the way you are.” He pulls our joined hands to his lips and kisses the back of my hand. “I don’t expect you to be perfect though. I know you’re still struggling.”

“Thank you for saying that. I’m trying to be what you need.” We increase our pace slightly, both anxious to get out of the cold.

“You already are what I need, Sophie. That will never change.”

I don’t know how I got so lucky to find Kipton, but it’s moments like these I thank my lucky stars for him being able to see beyond my imperfections enough to really love me—the way I always dreamed but never knew existed.

Usually we take a short nap after class, but today Cara’s extra chatty while she waits for Drew. “So what’s the plan for Thanksgiving break? The dorms close Tuesday and we don’t have to be back for almost a week.”

Considering I have very little to go home to other than a lame pizza tradition, I don’t jump to answer her question. My mom and I usually order take-out and watch movies on the couch. I haven’t had a turkey dinner with all the fixings since I was ten. I’m looking forward to seeing her, but I know it won’t be good for me to be back in the house. There’s so many painful memories lurking in that house.

“Hey.” Kipton nudges me with his arm.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“I asked what your plans are. If you can get away, I’d love for you to come meet my family for a couple days.”

“Meet your family?” I’ve never met the family before.

“You don’t have to, but I’d like you to come stay with me after you spend some time with your mom. I can show you where I grew up and went to high school. You might have to sit through a little boring conversation, but I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

The thought of meeting his parents scares the ever loving shit out of me. I’m not sure I can do it considering I’m not like the cookie cutter blondes from the country club they’re used to seeing. “It’s only a week, Kipton. The break might be nice.”

“You need a break already?” Cara asks. She finds this amusing and claps for her brother. “Nice job, Kippy. It only took you three weeks of official dating to drive the poor girl insane.”

I laugh at her, but Kipton’s not the least bit entertained. “Cara, can you give us a minute alone?”

“Uh oh. Sorry, Sophie. I’m out.” She stands up and takes off running without having to be asked a second time. Maybe I should run too. I don’t want to be away from Kipton for the entire break, but I’ll also be missing my therapy sessions. I don’t want to take two steps backwards while we’re away.

Kipton’s facing me on my pillow, holding my hands in his. “You don’t want to come?”

“Yes and no.” This whole honesty thing is exhausting, but Michelle told me one of the best ways to avoid my negativity, is to address it the moment I feel it.

“Why not?”

“They don’t know about my issues. Unless one of you said something. I know you’re a close family.” I duck my head, feeling ashamed that my screwed up self has to put a damper on his plans for the two of us. I’m not sure if his family will accept me, or label me too broken to repair.

“No, they don’t know. And they won’t unless you want them to. I’ve never brought a girl home, Sophie. I’m just as nervous as you are.”

This surprises me. I was sure someone made it home, even if it was just a high school girlfriend. “Never?”

“Never. Come on, beautiful. Don’t deprive me of showing you off to my friends and making them jealous. I’ve waited a long time for this.”

I appreciate him trying to make light of the situation and make it about his needs instead of my weaknesses. “I have to see my mom on Thanksgiving Day, or she’ll be all alone.”

“That’s okay. I want you to see her and have fun. That will give you a couple days with her and then I’d get you for the rest. We eat at the club on Thanksgiving Day, but the day after my mom insists on cooking to make up for it. Will that work? I want to spend Thanksgiving with my girl. Christmas too. So we can make plans for that whenever you’re ready.”

This must really be how it is when you’re in a real relationship. The compromise and joint celebrations I’ve only seen in movies. Although I’m slightly overwhelmed at the way Kipton is pushing me to do all these things as a couple, I’m nervous. For once in my life I think I’m strong enough to get it right and experience normalcy. “I’ll come. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a real sit down dinner. And if your parents will accept me, then I’d love to meet them. Will Cara be there too? I think it would help having her there.”

“Of course she will. Probably Drew too at some point. So you won’t be all alone in the spotlight.”

I smile. He gets it. “Okay. I’m in.”

“Thank you, Sophie, for being brave enough to try. They’re gonna love you as much as I do.” He snuggles me closer, my head now resting on his chest. His steady breathing is slowly lulling me to sleep.

“Kipton,” I whisper.

“Hmm.” His voice is deeper than normal, lighting me up inside.

“Thank you for inviting me.”

“You’re welcome.”

I lay in his arms for several more minutes soaking up the warmth of his body and safety of his arms. My eyelashes flick against his skin before I’m too content to fight off sleep another minute. For once I’m looking forward to the future.

“Please let me be strong enough.”

THE LAST FEW DAYS BEFORE break fly by and before I know it, it’s the night before I’m headed home. Everyone’s buzzing around campus packing bags and gearing up for one last night of partying before we all go our separate ways in the morning. As of today, I’ve completed my necessary counseling hours in order to rejoin the gymnastics team at the end of the break. It wasn’t mandatory that I leave, but considering the shape I was in, a leave of absence was the smart thing for me to do.