A part of me died the night we lost him. I was acutely aware of Sam’s presence as soon as my feet stepped off the elevator in the hospital. I ran up behind her as she was screaming and wrapped my arms around her. In that instant, I knew only that I wanted to console her, whatever it was that had her so beside herself. But when I turned and saw the body—his body—lying covered by a sheet, that’s when a part of me died.

Our lives were irrevocably changed from that moment on.

The hospital had given us Alec’s belongings the day after he died, but Sam wasn’t able to even look at the bag. She just started crying about how he wasn’t there anymore. She didn’t want to look at his empty clothes and empty shoes. She was distraught . . . we both were. But I knew I had to hold on to that bag. I knew we’d both want and need to see it later. It was the last, vibrant piece of Alec we had left.

About a month after Alec died, I opened it and took out his shoes, socks, jeans, shirt, and jacket, either the hospital had thrown out his boxers, or he went commando. Either option was fine by me. It was when I picked up his jacket, that I found it, a little black velvet box. My heart sank down into my stomach. I didn’t even make it to the bathroom before I threw my guts up.

God, it was a good thing Sam hadn’t wanted to see that bag. She would have lost it. I sat on my couch and stared at that little black box. Probably for hours. I wanted to open it and see what he’d chosen for her. I wanted a glimpse of the hope he held in his heart for getting Sam back. I deserved the pain of seeing that token of hope, since I’d basically spat on it when we last talked. But I just couldn’t bring myself to open it. I kept staring at it and thinking. Thinking and staring. Staring and remembering . . .

I thought about the last time I talked to him. What we both said to each other, the harsh words and callousness between us. The last words he’d spoken to me ran on an endless loop through my mind.

‘Over my dead body, will I let you have her.’

I stood up, walked in the bathroom, and looked at my reflection. I knew the answer to my question when I looked in the mirror that night after he stormed off.

And now that it was all said and done, and I stood looking back into the mirror, I couldn’t live with what I fucking saw. The black mark on my soul grew as the tears ran down my face. His sad, regretful expression after I spoke the wretched words “Fine, little brother, if that’s how you want it” haunted my mind.

I turned around and punched Aunt Robin’s bathroom wall.

Fuck!

I washed my hand off in the sink, avoiding that damned reflective glass.

As I walked past the wet-bar, I stopped and grabbed a rocks-glass and poured myself two fingers of whiskey. When I slumped back down on the couch I groaned aloud again at the sight of that damn little black velvet box.

Two months after Alec died, our lives finally started to fall back into place. We’d both taken a leave of absence for the spring semester at Auburn, planning to return for a class or two in the summer. Thankfully, the admissions office said we could do that. It was just too soon after Alec’s death for us to even consider trying to concentrate on classes.

I was still on a month-to-month lease in my condo. Emmett had stayed over again, and we were having coffee at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I knew it was a perilous line we were walking, falling so easily into the patterns of the past, when it felt okay for us to be together and love each other. Before we knew of our mutual connection with Alec. But then fate had to have her cosmic laugh and torment our hearts, and with one phone call, ruined three lives.

I knew it was coming, but it didn’t prepare me for the physical pain my heart felt as the argument unfolded. We would be going back to Auburn at end of the month when my lease had been fulfilled. Emmett wanted us to move in together. He didn’t want to stay at the frat house with Riley and Quinn. He said we needed our own space.

But that morning in the bathroom, as I took my shower and looked at his products sitting next to mine, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, then walked over to the vanity where I saw his toothbrush next to mine, and in the drawer laid his comb and razor. The urge to run hit me with such force, I felt like I’d lost my breath. I remembered the few times that Alec stayed over, his things in all the same places. However irrational, it felt like Emmett and I being back together somehow erased the importance of Alec in our lives.

With a shake of my head, I pulled myself together, dressed, and joined Emmett in the kitchen. He immediately cleared his throat, and I knew that was it. He was going to ruin everything, because I wasn’t ready. He pushed his laptop away, and of course, the screen was on the Auburn Apartment Guide’s website. God, I couldn’t breathe.

Please don’t do this, Emmett, I thought. Alec’s dead. He’s gone, yet I can still see where his things used to sit, and now are holding yours instead. The memory is like a flash beacon of the hope he had for us to get back together, and it’s hurting my heart. It’s making me feel like we’re doing something wrong. I know we aren’t, but my guilt is overwhelming, and in my mind, I can still see that tormented look in Alec’s wary eyes, right before he fell.

“Peach, I want to start looking at apartments in Auburn. I need to get everything out of my old room at the frat house, so it’s open for the new guy Riley said wanted to move in, if I wasn’t coming back before the summer session starts. I’ve only actually slept at my Aunt’s house a handful of times these last few months.” He pointed to his laptop. “Looking at these listings, I just can’t see us both paying money for separate apartments when we know we’ll always be staying with each other. Why don’t we just do it . . . let’s move in together. I can pay for the rent, or, if you’d rather, we can split the cost. We could get a place somewhere close to campus.”

I was flustered and searched for the right words. “Well . . . that just, it just doesn’t make any sense at all. Why would we do that?” I asked. “I mean, you have to have your own place, Emmett,” I said with a snarky undertone I didn’t actually mean.

“Sam, what the hell are you talking about? It makes perfect sense!”

“No, Emmett, it doesn’t!” I continued. “No, I’m sorry, please . . . I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and we can’t be together, let alone live together,” I choked out as tears began to roll down my cheeks. I looked up at Emmett and his tormented, lost expression will forever be burned in my memory, an expression I put on his face yet again. I hated myself for it.

“You know what?” he asked as he slammed the screen on his laptop closed. “I can’t do this. I love you, and damn it I know you love me, too. But I get it. You’re hurting and mourning Alec’s death. Well, guess what Sam? He was my brother, and I’m hurting, too! He’s gone, and I’ll never be able to talk to him again! The last time we talked was the night before he died, and—”

“Wait, what? I thought you guys hadn’t talked for weeks?”

“Peach, haven’t you even wondered how I was able to get to the hospital so fast that night?” he asked with a frustrated sigh.

“Well yeah, but so much was happening. Alec had just died, and when you were holding me, I felt so lost. I had so many conflicting emotions, but I do remember asking myself how you got there so fast.”