I have to smile. She’s so sweet. But Ridlee’s not finished, and she’s not smiling.

“I want you to meet guys and get laid, Erin. In fact, I wish you’d do it more. But last night you completely forgot that I even existed once you met that guy. I made myself scarce for a bit, not imagining you’d leave the mainland. I had to walk home alone. Part of the way, anyway. I came thousands of miles to help you get your bar. Don’t forget that, okay?”

“Jaysus, Rid, I’m really sorry. I didn’t realise. I guess I got a bit carried away. I kinda liked him.”

“Duh. But you know we’re leaving in a couple of days and we need to focus on the bar business, so don’t go getting all gooey about some guy, okay?”

“Okay. VBFF again?” I ask, hopefully.

“Of course!” she laughs.

I crawl into the back seat and tickle her till she’s begging me to stop. It’s still early so we have time to explore the surrounding countryside. We head off in the car, Radio Clare blaring, singing at the top of our voices and generally scaring the sheep. We arrive back at 8:30 in the morning and park the car just outside the offices of Cathal O’Mooney and ring the bell. Lots of rustling and fumbling ensues on the other side of the frosted glass but eventually the door opens.

“Micheál!” My head swims. How? What? I take a step back and look at the number on the door again.

“Erin!”

“What are you doin here?” we ask each other, simultaneously.

“Wonderful,” mutters Ridlee.

I glance at the name on the brass plaque and back at Micheál. “Eh, I’m looking for Cathal O’Mooney.”

Micheál just stares blankly at me.

“The solicitor,” I bumble on. “We, that is, Ridlee here, needs legal advice.”

Ridlee smiles and blows a bubble with the chewing gum she’s just popped in her mouth — a sure sign she’s feeling better.

“On a Sunday?” Micheál raises one eyebrow doubtfully.

Shit, is it Sunday? I laugh, embarrassed, but deftly turn the tables on him. “What are you doing here?” Aha. Checkmate!

“I live here. Well, in the flat above the office.”

“Micheál, who is it?” A female voice comes from the balcony above our heads, and a beautiful blonde leans over.

“It’s alright, Siobhán, theses girls were just lookin’ for the solicitors.”

“On a Sunday?”

I step out onto the road to get a better view of the goddess. “Sorry to disturb you. We didn’t realise that it was Sunday,” I explain, helpfully. “We just arrived and we’ve come from the States, so we got the day wrong.” See, everybody. I am not intimidated by this vision living with the guy I shagged last night.

“Huh, I knew there was a time difference but I didn’t realise that it extended to days,” Siobhán says all innocent, turning back to go inside.

Micheál smiles, obviously amused at our antics.

“Our mistake. Sorry to have bothered you! We’ll come back tomorrow,” interjects Ridlee. Steering me by the elbow she leads me to the Fiat. “Fuck him.”

“Yeah, fuck him, “ I echo.

Why are there tears in my eyes? I liked him, that’s why. I still like him. Oh well, that’s that then. It seems pretty clear that he has a girlfriend and I don’t do cheaters. 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

RIDLEE

AFTER DROPPING OFF MRS. O'GRADY at church and pausing to barf in the bushes just outside the main door of the attorney’s office, I’m thinking that an entire Sunday spent resting in a dark room with ice over my eyeballs would be the best way to handle my life right now. Unfortunately, Erin has other ideas.

“Come on, now, we have just another day or two to show you round the motherland. No more of this wallowing in pitiful misery.” She nudges my leg.

“Leave me alone to die in peace.” I moan for effect.

“Come on, Ridleeeee, I’m bored.”

Apparently my efforts are wasted. She can be very stubborn when she wants to be. I sigh and move the pillow off my forehead so I can show her how awful I look. I catch a glimpse of a butt-ugly print of a cow framed on the wall behind Erin’s head and visions of Donal pop into my mind.

“Fine. I have an idea.”

She bounces down onto the side of her bed and claps her hands like a child. “Oh, goody. What are we going to do?”

“We’re going to a petting zoo.”

Her hands drop into her lap and she frowns. “You’re taking the piss.”

“No, I’m not. I’m serious.” I sit up and look around the room. Did Donal even give me his phone number? Where is his farm? Did he tell me and I just forgot? “I met this guy last night. This farmer guy. He said we could come out and get a tour.” Maybe he said that. My memory’s a little dim, but I’m pretty sure he said he has some cute animals. I could use some peaceful animal petting right now. I hear it’s like magic, the way it calms a person. Hopefully it works on people stomachs, too.

“That’s the best you could come up with?”

“Hey, I don’t hear you offering anything better.” I get up out of bed and pull on my jeans, wondering how awful my face looks. Bags under my eyes are a given after a night like I had. My earlier attempt at doing makeup was not my best effort by far. The whole vomiting thing and then splashing water over my face with a nearby garden hose probably didn’t help.

“Cliffs,” Erin says. “Let’s take a walk on the lovely cliffs. The fresh air’ll do you good.”

For some reason the idea doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as it did before. Maybe Donal's mood about the whole place ruined it for me. Why was he so negative about it? Did he tell me? My memory is too fuzzy to put anything together whole. Bits and pieces are floating around disconnected in my fuzzy brain. “Nah. I want to pet an animal. A fuzzy one.”

She sighs loudly. “Fine. It’s your vacation. If you want to go feel-up a cow who am I to stop you?”

I push her sideways, making her fall over on the bed, as I move over to the small desk that holds our toiletries. “Hush your mouth, perv. No one’s feeling-up any animals.”

“You know what they say about men and sheep…”

I look at her in the mirror. “No, I don’t.” I grab a cotton pad and search the desktop for my remover bottle.

“Sheep shagging. It happens more often than you’d think.”

My mouth drops open in horror, and I freeze my searching motions. “What? Please tell me you don’t mean what it sounds like you mean.”

She nods, acting all wise. “That’s what they say.” She shrugs. “Apparently, sheep have these big old vaginas out there, hangin' in the breeze. Some men get lonely out there and then … well, things get hairy.”

I squeeze my eyes closed to burn the image out of my brain. My stomach turns over three times. Then a fourth. I’m not sure if I’m going to barf again or just suffer indigestion for the rest of the day. Damn those blood sausages! Why did I eat them again! Maybe I should stick my finger down my throat.

Erin laughs behind me.

My eyes open and I blink my lids a bunch of times, chasing the nausea away. “That is the most disgusting bit of information you’ve ever shared with me.”

“Worse than that story I told you about that woman and the donkey …?”

I throw up my hand. “Stop right there!” I turn around and glare at her. “Do you have any idea how many nightmares I had after you told me that story? Weeks, Erin. They went on for weeks.”