“Hey, it’s a fact. You can look it up online. There’re pictures and all. I’m not making these things up, you know, I’m just educating you on the seedier members of our society.”

“Please, don’t educate me ever again. Especially when it comes to farmers and weird shit they might do.”

She wiggles her eyebrows. “So you got the hots for a farmer, eh? What’s he like?” She bounces all around the sides of the bed until she’s right behind me. She’s twelve, now, apparently.

Ignoring her, I turn back towards the mirror and go about getting my face presentable again. Thank goodness I brought lots of make-up remover. My eyeliner has somehow migrated from my eye to my chin. How did I miss that earlier? Or maybe it happened after the lawyer’s office. I’m such a mess.

“I met a guy named Donal. He’s a farmer and he was very nice. He walked me home and he was a gentleman.”

“Ohhhh, sounds … exceedingly boring, actually.”

“It wasn’t. It was very … nice.” I can’t help the blush that rises up to cover my cheeks. Thank goodness Erin is too busy checking herself out in the mirror to notice.

“So where is this farm, anyway?” She moves her bangs left and then right, shaking her head as she attempts to get the hairs to fall into the perfect position.

“I have no idea. We can just ask someone, right?”

“Probably. What’s his surname?”

“Uhhh …” I search my memory banks. “I have no idea. He’s just Donal, I guess.”

“Well, that makes it easy, doesn’t it.” She stands and knocks me on the shoulder. “Come on, then. Let’s suss him out and feel his animals up. If we time it right we can be done by lunch.”

I run a brush through my hair and then follow Erin’s banging footsteps down the stairs and out the front door. She’s already accosted a passerby and received very specific instructions to Donal's place by the time I’m opening the driver’s side door. It’s kind of freaking me out how well everyone in this place knows everyone else. I’d panic living here thinking people were stalking me or something.

Erin gets into the passenger seat, pointing out through the windshield. “Right at the end of the street, left at the statue of St. Mary, round the bend ten clicks and left again at the cairn with two blue stones. Easy peasy.”

I rev up the engine and point the car down the street. “I have no idea what you just said. Just point when we get to the next turn.”

Erin gamely acts as navigator, pointing left and right. At one point I think we’re for sure lost because there’s nothing out here but us and a single hawk, but then a pile of stone shows up and we turn down a dirt road and a large farmhouse comes into view. Donal is standing out in front of it, holding the reins of the biggest horse I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s a monster.

Is this real or am I dreaming? My churning stomach says I’m very much awake.

“Oy, it’s a Cob,” whispers Erin. “I used to watch the knackers ride those ponies down the middle of the road, arms a-flailing, shouting out profanities, having a ball. Made me want to kiss a knacker once, he rode so well.”

“A Cob? A knacker? Is that Irish?”

Erin throws open her door. “Hey, ho! Donal, I presume!”

I scramble to get out of the car and explain our presence here. He’s definitely going to think I’m a stalker.

Donal stands up straighter and stares at us, shielding his eyes from the sun to see us better.

My hands are shaking as I approach. Be cool, Ridlee. Be cool. Act un-stalker-like. Make eye contact but don’t stare. Don’t stare!

Following my own orders is very difficult. He has boots, jeans, and a very tight t-shirt on. He leans down and picks up a hat that was on the ground, bangs it on his thigh twice, and puts it on his head. It’s one of those Irish ones that all the old guys in town were wearing last night. On him, it looks positively dreamy.

Dreamy? Where did that word come from?

Erin throws out a hand. “Nice to meet you. We’ve come for the tour. Pet a few furry friends and whatnot.”

I reach up and grab a lock of my hair, twisting it around my finger to distract myself from running away at full speed.

The speed with which I want to escape translates into words coming out so fast they pretty much tumble from my mouth. “Hi, Donal. I’m sorry we’re kind of here without notice, but it’s Sunday and everything’s closed and we were just looking for something to do. Like pet fuzzy animals.”

“Yup. Came to pet some animals, so we did,” Erin says, her Irish accent coming on strong. “Got any wee ones, by any chance? We’re kind of partial to the wee ones.”

“Might do,” he says, staring first at her and then me. He reaches up and tugs on his hat a little. “Wasn’t expecting ye just yet, though.”

My face burns bright red. “I know.” I take Erin’s elbow and start pulling her away. “We should go. I’m sorry to put you out like this.”

“No, no, that’s fine.” He gestures up at his horse. “Big Dick was just looking forward to a little ride. Been cooped up in his paddock all week.”

Erin starts to giggle.

“Big Dick?” I say, not sure I heard him right. Are we talking dicks now? How did that happen?

“Aye.” He looks up at his horse and smiles. “Big Dick, meet Ridlee. Ridlee …,” he turns and stares at me, his eyes all soft, “meet my Big Dick.”

Erin snorts and starts laughing so hard, she bends in half. “I’m sorry … I’m sorry …” She backs away to the car. “I forgot my handbag … I’m sorry …”

I have no idea what she’s about to do until it’s done. The next thing I see is the back of our Fiat Bambino heading down the dirt road and out onto the highway, as it were.

“Where in the hell is she going?” I ask no one in particular.

Donal clears his throat. “She said something about leaving her bag behind.”

I turn to face Donal and his Big Dick. “I’m really sorry about this.” I shove my hands in my back pockets. It’s so awkward standing here like this, not even sure if he gets why Erin was laughing so hard. “I am completely and totally out of my mind right now. I never just drop in on people like this. And my friend has never abandoned me before, either.” I look once more out towards the road. The only evidence that she was there is a cloud of dwindling dust.

“It’s all right. I invited ye. Come on and have a look at the animals. I might have a wee one or two, born out of season.”

When I turn to face him, I’m shocked to find I have to look up. Waaaay up. He’s sitting on the horse’s back, and the horse is about two storeys high by my estimation. He’s not so much a horse as he is a P.F. Chang’s warhorse statue.

I hesitate, not sure whether I should walk behind, next to, or in front of them. Finally, I gesture. “Lead the way.”

He lifts his chin, a devilish glint in his eye. “Come on an’ get yerself up here with me.”

My eyes bug out of my head as my heart does a backflip. “Up there? On Big Dick? With you?” I take one look at the giant head on the horse, his neck that’s about as big around as a sequoia, and his feet that have to be as big around as serving platters, and shake my head. “No, thanks. I like my body all in one piece, arms and legs connected.”

He smiles, holding an arm down, I think for me to grab. “He’s as gentle as they come. Bred for it, in fact. He’d be honored to carry you, I promise.”

My eyes dart from Donal's hand to the back of the horse. There’s just no way. “I can’t.”

“Can’t … or won’t?”

I shake my head. “I want to, but I’m too scared.” It’s a relief to admit it. I’m breaking out in cold sweats at this point. Vomit might be coming next.

“I’ll mind ye. I promise. On my honor.” When he rests his hand on his chest, his very well-muscled broad chest I can see pretty clearly through his shirt, I feel a tingle. A very strong tingle. And I feel safe.

What the hell. How often will I get propositioned by a giant Irishman to ride his Big Dick? Probably never again. I’m pretty sure I’m dreaming this right now, in fact.