“Last Sunday is when I saw him. I texted him Thursday after class,” I say, turning to Jess.

“Aren’t the A Sigs on their retreat thingy? You know, how they disappear every spring semester with the new pledges?”

I pinch my brows together, chewing on her words. “Holy crap, I didn’t even think of that.” Every year, the A Sigs disappear with their new spring pledges for a little over a week. No one knows where they go – whether it’s the woods, the beach, or just the basement under their house – but almost every brother goes along with every single pledge. They always resurface at the New Member Bonfire as initiated brothers and no one speaks a word about the time they were gone. I’ve always thought it was so bad ass, to have an initiation that secret and that coveted.

“I haven’t seen Adam since last weekend now that I think about it,” my Little says and I nod. Wait, why does my little know what Adam is doing? I give her a questioning look but she avoids my eyes, staring at Erin instead.

“See? I bet he’s not mad at you. He probably disappeared not too long after you left that day.”

I sigh. “Maybe. Ex, I don’t know about this anymore. I feel like he’s going to get too caught up… I’m really starting to learn a lot about him and he’s asking a lot about me. It’s getting serious – and fast.”

“Good,” she says, standing. “That’s exactly what we want, isn’t it? The faster and harder he falls, the more devastated he will be and the more he’ll want what we had back. What we had was simple, true, uncomplicated. After the mess you leave him in, he’ll be begging for that back.”

I wince at her words and my Little grabs my hand under the covers, giving me a reassuring squeeze. Even Jess and Ashlei seem to sense my true feelings and I feel the weight of everyone’s stares hot on my skin.

“Okay,” is all I say, all I can manage to get out.

Erin nods, though her expression softens a little when she studies me closer. She moves to pull me into a quick hug. “I love you, Little Sky. I know this isn’t fun for you, but it’s almost over – and you’re one step closer to following in our KKB family line’s footsteps. When I graduate in December, you’re going to be the next one in that presidential room down the hall. Just remember that.” She smiles before turning and walking out the door, leaving me alone with the Jess, Ashlei, and my Little, all their eyes still trained on me.

“Sky…” Ashlei says, a tone of sympathy in her voice.

“Lei, just don’t.” I wave my hand and lie down, pulling the covers over my face. My Little rips them back down.

“You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”

“Sky, you can’t. You have to disconnect,” Jess adds.

“I know that, okay?! I know. It’s not that easy. There’s more to him than what meets the eye. He’s interested in me, he cares about my dreams and my passion for poker. He makes me feel free, like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”

“We don’t make you feel like you have to pretend, do we?” Ashlei asks, seeming a little hurt.

I sigh. “No, but you know what I mean. He doesn’t care if I’m wearing pearls and a Lily Pulitzer dress or if I’m in a baggy pair of sweat pants with my hair tied up. And he calls me out on my bullshit. I don’t know, I tell myself every single time I’m with him and every minute I’m not that I can’t have him, that I have to take a step back, but it all goes to hell when he smiles. His smile is fucking poison, I swear.”

The girls are quiet for a second, digesting. Finally, Ashlei says, “Well, just try harder. This is already going to be hard for him when it all comes crashing down, I don’t want to see you get caught under the rubble, too.”

I swallow hard, knowing it’s too late for that already, but I just nod. “I know, I will.”

It’s awkwardly quiet now, not even the sound of the TV to distract any of us. I shake my head and smile, faking it as best I can. “The real issue at hand is that we need to get my Little out of this damn house. She needs a date. When is the New Member Bonfire?”

“It’s Thursday, the day before Valentine’s Day.”

“How convenient,” I mumble under my breath. “Well, that’s perfect. Little, get your homework done because we are getting you laid.”

“Yes!” She thrusts her fist into the air triumphantly. “No Violet Vulvas for me!”

“You’re so lucky I’m out of pillows,” Jess says, glaring. We all laugh and I unmute the television, each of us snuggling into the covers as The Backup Plan starts playing again. As much stress as I feel from Erin and the girls to keep my shit in line, I also feel a sense of relief. I’ve spent the last week tearing myself apart thinking Kip was mad at me – and not because of Erin or her stupid plan, but because of my own selfish reasons. Now that I realize he’s probably just at his initiation retreat, I feel my chest loosen, my breaths come easier. I have the girls’ voices telling me to back off my feelings in one ear and my heart screaming loudly to let go in the other. My head is swimming with thoughts and I have no idea how to sort through them.

I sigh, pulling the covers up and over my shoulders. Cassie leans her head on my shoulder and I drop mine onto her head. At the end of the day, there’s nothing to sort through. I can’t have Kip. Period. End of story. I need to repeat it.

I can’t have Kip Jackson.

I can’t have Kip Jackson.

I feel my eyelids grow heavy, Jennifer Lopez’s voice lulling me to sleep.

I can’t have Kip Jackson.

I can’t have Kip Jackson.

Just before I drift off to sleep, the words morph on their own.

I will have Kip Jackson.

After Writing for Television class, I make up a bogus story about Kip having mono as an excuse for his absence last week and today. I tell Dr. O’Neal I can give Kip my notes but that he obviously wasn’t here to turn in his paper and I know he loves this class and that he probably has it done but just can’t bring it in. I’m scrambling, I know I sound like an idiot, but screenwriting is important to Kip and I don’t want his grade getting fucked up over a frat trip.

Dr. O’Neal smiles and shakes his head. “It’s okay, Miss Thorne. Kip turned in his paper via email. And I’m perfectly aware of his… illness. I was a Greek once too, you know.” He winks and I offer a shy smile.

“Thanks, Dr. O. I didn’t know that, actually.”

“I know, I know,” he says, looking down at his eccentric clothes – blue bow tie, bright yellow suspenders – now that I think about it, it is kind of fratty in a way. “I don’t exactly dance to the same drum as most fraternity brothers, but that’s what my frat liked most about me, I think. Sometimes it pays to be different.”

I smile at that last line, thinking that Kip would completely agree with him. He nods once more before gathering the last of his things and leaving the class room. I pull out my phone, debating whether or not to text Kip. I type out a few different options, erasing them all and finally deciding to just shove my phone back in my bag. The New Member Bonfire is tonight and I know the drill – he won’t be allowed to have his phone until the fire is lit.

My stomach is in knots thinking about the fire – what he’ll say to me, what he’ll look like, if he’ll even look at me, if he’ll be different, if he’ll ask me to the dance. That last one is what bothers me most. I want to go to the dance with him, which is what makes it so hard because if nothing has changed, then I know he’ll probably ask me, which is what I want but what I actually don’t want at the same damn time. Because if he asks me, that means I’ll have tomorrow to get my story together on why we can’t be together. I’ll have to end everything for good so he can run into the willing arms of Erin, which I know won’t happen anyway.