I gave a bitter laugh and ran my tongue over my lips. “I’m babbling. I just, well, I hope one day you’ll understand what’s happened and why I did what I did.” I swallowed back my tears. Giving up, I touched his arm. He didn’t move away, but he didn’t acknowledge it either. “When we were together, I meant every word I ever said to you, Brody. Every word. And when I broke it off, I didn’t mean any of them. Not a damn one.”

I waited for him to acknowledge me. Other than seeing his jaw working, he did nothing. Said nothing.

“I don’t love Jaden. I never have. It’s you. It was always you. I’m just sorry our relationship wasn’t strong enough for you to see through the lie and believe in what we had—or what I thought we had.”

I took in a big breath and let it out slowly before I said, “And I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and fight for us. I let them break me. Goodbye, Brody. Be happy.” I hurried away. I knew it would be the last time I’d speak to him. As soon as I reached the hall, I ran to the girls’ restroom and threw up.

January.

A new year, same bullshit. Brody and Kara were still a couple. And I still felt like someone shoved a knife in my chest every time I saw Brody with her, laughing, holding hands, kissing. It was torture.

I was still imprisoned by Jaden and his rules. And Ralph, Jaden’s watchdog. Jaden was as inattentive to me as always. If anything, it got steadily worse. He went about his day like I was a burden, an albatross he carried. I couldn’t understand what his reason was to keep me around.

Jaden’s New Year’s resolution was to stop hiding his extracurricular activities and flaunt his many hookups in front of me… and the entire student body of Cassidy High.

“If you’re not going to give it up, I’m going to find someone who will,” he’d told me when I confronted him.

I didn’t bring it up again. Five months until graduation. I could make it.

February.

“I hate Valentine’s Day. It is a day for nothing but disappointment.” ~Larisa Oleynik

The month of love and all that crap. It made me want to vomit. Whoever said time heals all wounds didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. It still felt like the breath was sucked out of my lungs every time I saw Brody.

I just wanted to talk to him one more time. Touch him. Feel him touch me. I needed to tell him I loved him. He’d never listen and I didn’t blame him.

The month of love. Yeah. Blah, blah and frickin’ blah.

March.

Three months until graduation. Things were the same. Brody was still dating Kara, and Jaden and I were… whatever we were. I didn’t even know anymore. He barely tolerated me. He hooked up with some skank whenever he got the chance. Once again, I wondered why he didn’t just let me go. I thought he got off on making my life miserable.

Chess club was coming to an end. The regional tournament was held at Cassidy High on the last Saturday of the month.

“Are you ready for this, chickie?” Tim asked.

“Yeah. It should be cake.”

“Good luck.”

“You, too,” I said.

I shook hands with my opponent and sat down in front of the board. My eyes traveled over the squares as I mentally prepared my strategy. The buzzer sounded, and the game began. The girl I played made her first move. I knew exactly what her strategy was as soon as she placed her first piece. I scanned the board, working out my next three plays. I’d have her in checkmate in five moves.

It took seven moves, but I won the game. I moved up in the rankings. Everyone from Cassidy won their game. We were in first place going into the second round.

My second game took longer to win. He was a good player, but made a stupid mistake that cost him the game. Once again, everyone from Cassidy won their game.

By the third game, I was really in my zone. I ignored the other games around me, blocking out the sound of the pieces hitting the board and the clicks of the timers. The game was over quickly. That round two of our players were eliminated. We were still in first place.

By the sixth and final game, Cassidy was still ranked number one. I won my game and walked to the table where the PTO had laid out snacks and drinks for the players. I grabbed an energy drink and turned to watch the games still being played. Movement in the bleachers caught my eye, and I looked up just in time to see Brody slip out the side door on the other side of the gym.

My heart skipped a beat, and then another. I was out the door before I had time to think. I ran down the hall and around the corner, but the hall was empty.

Maybe it was someone else. He wouldn’t come to my chess tournament. It’s not like it’s a big deal. There are barely a handful of people here to watch. It wasn’t him.

I shook my head and went back in the gym to wait for the games to end. Cassidy won the regional championship and went on to win state.

Jaden never came to the tournaments or even asked about them.

April

The first day of the month, Brody’s birthday. Yeah, that day totally sucked. I tried to hold back my tears, but more than a few leaked out. The pain of losing him tore through me, slicing my heart along the way. Almost like it was happening for the first time. I knew I should ignore his birthday. He didn’t want anything from me, and why would he?

But I couldn’t ignore it. I bought a birthday card, not too mushy, but with a short poem that talked of love and friendship.

I kept what I wrote simple:

“I miss us. Happy Birthday, Willow.”

“Write something more, Willow. This is your chance to really say something.” Jenna slid the card across the table to me.

“Like what? Please come back to me. I lied to you, but I still love you?”

“Well, no. We’ll think of something great,” she said.

“No. This is fine. I don’t want to garf it up with a bunch romantic crap and fluffy apologies.” I put the card in the envelope and closed it with the envelope seal that came with it. “There. Done.”

“Do you want me or Tim to give it to him? We see him at lunch. He always has that growth attached to him, though. I mean, Kara is nice and all, but she is so ditzy. I can’t believe he went from you to her. Talk about dating down, and down, and down, and down the dating scale.

I had to smile. Jenna usually found a way to make me smile. “No, I’m going to slip it in his locker. But thanks.”

I slipped the card in the vent of his locker. I wanted to do more, so much more, but I settled for the card. If he actually read it and didn’t toss it in the trash, it’d be a miracle.

April was also the start of baseball and softball season. I played softball on the varsity softball team. I was surprised to learn Brody tried out and made the cut for the varsity baseball team. I went to every one of his home games. I’d show up late and sit on the ground next to the bleachers where he couldn’t see me, and I’d leave early. If he knew I was there, he never gave any indication.

He was a good player, strong and fast. Watching him, seeing his muscles flex as he hit the ball or ran the bases, was torture. The sight of him still warmed places in me only he could touch.

I never saw Kara at his games and wondered if they were still dating. I asked Luce. If anyone knew, it would be her.