“Oh, thank god, Kayla. Your fabulous ass is intact! The stability of world peace depends on that ass.”

“Get out of here, creep,” Avery sneers.

“Good morning, Avery-bobavery,” I chirp. “How are the pills treating you?”

The other girl she’s talking with looks confused. “Pills? What pills? You have pills and you didn’t give me any, Ave?”

Avery is too busy glowering at me to stop me from dragging Kayla away to a different tree.

“Isis, are you okay?”

“Kayla, do you think Jack is sexy?”

She makes a dying pig squeal and I shake her out of it. Politely.

“I had this nightmare wherein I thought Jack was sexy and you died.”

“O-Oh. Well. I’m not dead! So that’s good, right?” Kayla smiles.

“Oh Kayla, you gorgeous, sugary, incredibly fluffy butterfly, you are of no help to me right now and you have a date with Jack on Saturday at The Red Fern at seven I arranged it and I must go.”

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He’s buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock.

“Whatcha doing?” I ask.

“Dividing up funding for the other clubs,” He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I’m respectful for three seconds.

“So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.”

“I’m…sorry to hear that?”

“Don’t you see? Jack cannot be sexy! I can’t even think that subconsciously, or else the war is gonna be lost! The countless troops living in my brain are going to lose morale if they spot a kernel of potential sexiness in Jack! They’ll get confused! I can’t like him. Not even one bit! Or the whole thing falls apart!”

“Might I suggest –”

“And that’s not even taking into consideration my timer!” I crow, bending and picking up the papers for him. “Three whole years, Wren! Three freakin’ years of not being a moron! I can’t…I can’t break that! I’ll never be a moron again! I won’t! Sexy thoughts leads to sex and sex leads to love! Or is it the other way around?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s –”

“I can’t do it, Wren!” I wail. “You have to help me! If I start to like Jack, and Jack sees that, he’ll shoot me down because A. we are slightly at war and B. because I’m a fat ugly cow and then my timer will get reset and I’ll lose three years and I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, Wren, I promised!”

I slam the stack of papers back on his desk, my voice trembling.

“What do I do?”

He sighs. “Look, Isis, I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but if the thought of liking someone freaks you out to the point of tears, I don’t think it’s good for you. You should stop.”

“I’m trying!” I shout, then whimper. “I’m trying.”

Wren sighs, getting up and putting an arm around my shoulder.

“It’s understandable, okay? He’s a good-looking guy. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe you like him only for his body. We’re teenagers. That level of libido is normal.”

“Oh god you used ‘libido’ and ‘teenagers’ in a serious sentence; what are you, eighty with a PhD?”

“And,” Wren says sternly to drown my groaning out. “He did kiss you.”

“As a joke.”

“Yes, well –”

“It meant absolutely nothing.”

“Yes, but you have to consider that even though your brain knows that, your body may not. And…your heart might be a bit confused, too.”

“Pffft,” I buzz my lips. “What heart? That thing I got rid of three years ago? Last I checked it’s impossible for organs to properly function outside of the body. Unless you put it on a pump. But that’s gross and I definitely did not put my dumb little heart on a pump, I threw it out the window when I was driving to Walgreen’s –”

“Isis!” Wren grabs me by the shoulders, gazing into my eyes with that unblinking stare. “Listen to me for five seconds!”

I’m stunned into being quiet. Wren, realizing this is an once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, barrels on while he still has the floor.

“It’s okay to like someone,” He murmurs. “Even if it’s superficial. You don’t have to let what my cousin did in the past define you. I know he probably did something horrible. He used to put frogs in the microwave and laugh about it. I know what he’s like. I know he hurt you. But if you’re feeling things for someone again, it’s good. It means you’re healing. You have to let that happen.”

“I don’t like Jack,” I whisper. “I don’t.”

Wren hugs me. I rip out of his grip and put on my brightest smile.

“Seriously, I don’t! Just ignore everything I said, okay? Jack’s just really fun to pick on, you know? I’m just getting that confused is all.”

“Isis –”

“Whatever he did must’ve been really bad if you go pale every time I mention it and Avery has to the go to a shrink, huh? He’s probably as bad as Nameless!”

Wren immediately clams up, mouth closing and fists balling.

“Plus Avery was drinking the entire time at the bowling alley, while he was there. And you only looked at him twice, so. Yeah. I think it must’ve been really, really horrible.” I tap my chin thoughtfully. “It has something to do with Sophia, doesn’t it?”

“Stop.”

“Did he do to her what Nameless did to me? I just have to ask her, and –”

“I said stop.” Wren’s voice is so soft and dark I can’t help but shudder. He adjusts his glasses and looks to me with those piercing green eyes. “Don’t hide behind what he did, just because what I said to you hits too close to home. Jack’s a better guy than Nameless, I promise you. It just takes a while for people to see that.”

“Avery said he was dangerous when people start getting to know him.”

Wren sighs. “He’s dangerous, period. There’s a reason he keeps people at arm’s length. He might seem heartless, but he doesn’t want to hurt anyone again.”

“Again? So that means…he hurt someone. He hurt Sophia.”

Wren flinches. “Look, I’m sorry, Isis, but you need to leave. I can’t talk about this right now.”

“You pretended not to know Sophia at first! You lied to me!”

“Leave, please. Now.”

I glare furiously at Wren, then turn on my heel and slam the door behind me. So much for Wren helping me. I’m on my own. I’m on my own and the terrifying thought that I might not absolutely hate Jack Hunter’s guts is looming over my brain like a guillotine. And the mystery of Sophia is getting deeper and extremely annoying-er. I have to find that girl, and pronto, if I want any answers.

But do I? Is digging around in Jack’s past really going to help me in not liking him? Of course it will, what am I saying? He clearly hurt Sophia. If I learn just how badly, I can knock this funky idea out of my brain that I think he’s cute at all. It’s the perfect tactic. And until then, I’ll quash whatever idiotic feelings are brewing for him under seven tons of lead bricks inscribed with the word NOPE. I have a war to win, a date to get ready for, and an arrogant asshole to finally force into apologizing to the only friend I’ve made so far.

Jack Hunter is not sexy.

Jack Hunter is on my shitlist, forever.

And just to let him know it, I sneak into the Agriculture building and scoop a plastic baggie full of goat-and-chicken-and-god-knows-what-other-animal-poop compost, and lob it on his windshield. It splatters on a new Dramaclub Wailer girl love note tucked under the wipers, and I smile to myself and run just as campus security yells after me. There aren’t many people in the halls, but I almost run smack into Knife-kid as I turn a corner.

“Hi,” I say breathlessly. “Can I use your jacket?”

“Uh,” He looks down at the military-inspired green jacket. “Sure. Just be careful. It’s vintage. See the holes with dark stuff around them? Those are stab wounds from Vietnam –”