to build a stairway to heaven, so that those who believed hard enough knew that it was possible to

reach. But all it did was show them how great the distance really was. I may not know much about

kindness, and even less about transcendence. But this I know for certain: The concept of all things

unreachable is not to ever reach them, but to aspire to.

Chapter 10

Reciprocity

CASEY: It’s eight a.m. on Saturday and I’m on a Greyhound, wishing I had thought to bring something

containing caffeine. The sky is dim as a frown. The landscape sailing past the window hovers with the

little bumps in the road. The book on my lap has been lying there unopened for fifteen minutes. A man

in the back is snoring softly. A couple of rows in front of me a mother is peeling an orange for her little

girl and the fruity smell is in the air.

I think about the barbecue, being among all those hip strangers and feeling awkward. Wishing I had

dragged my Twin along. And Danny, always at the center of attention, seeming so at ease. I don’t know

why he asked me to come. We barely got a chance to talk all evening. I left early, feeling sad.

I think about what James said about trying to please people, and the truth of it stings. Why am I

doing this? Is Danny Rizzo, is anyone worth me changing for them to like me? But how can I be myself

when I don’t really know what it means to be me?

Sometimes when James looks at me, I feel like there is something… Like I mean much more to him

than just a friend. But how could I ever be sure? He is so hard to read. There is something about James,

a kind of frosty dignity that says: I stand alone. I need nothing and no-one in this world.

But I need him somehow, and that worries me. He makes me feel real, solid. Like an anchor in my

life, rooting me in reality. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to get away, to loosen the chain. Maybe

Danny isn’t the cause, but a symptom. One thing’s for sure: If my friendship with James should ever

end, it would be the cruelest blow. It would shatter a huge part of my life. But James, he would simply

move on. Nothing can disappoint you if you have no expectations. It saddens me that he feels this way

about the world, about life. I want to prove to him that he has got it all wrong. That there is beauty

everywhere. If I could only get through to him like he gets through to me. But there’s a line with James

that you just can’t cross. I wonder, for the first time, if he is afraid. But of what? Of me?

What if James… No, what am I thinking? No, that’s crazy. But okay, just theoretically and for fun.

What if he did have feelings for me? How would I feel about it? My pulse immediately accelerates.

James. James with the lonely eyes. James who makes a cupboard seem emotional in comparison,

and firmly keeps the secrets of his past.

James with the dry wit and the sharp intellect. Who quotes Nietzsche, and listens to Pink Floyd.

James who doesn’t even believe in friendship, and still has never let me down.

Janie has a huge crush on him. It’s the cutest thing to see my smarty pants kid sister blush and fall

silent when he’s visiting. And he’s so lovely with her. He never makes his usual sarcastic remarks. He’s

such an amazing human being, and he doesn’t even know.

The kiss steals back into my mind, and I try to remember the sensation of his lips on mine. Soft,

gentle, sensitive. He didn’t kiss me like someone who had been made to at a party. And I didn’t kiss him

like that either.

I get goosebumps, and swallow as I stare out the window. Wow.

Chapter 11

Sinner

JAMES: Gently but steadily the raindrops are rapping against the glass of my window, and the world

outside disappears in shades of gray. I watch as they slide down in small trickles. Mom used to tell me

that when it rains, the angels cry. Sometimes because they’re sad, and sometimes because they’re happy.

I was five and not so sure angels even existed.

So let’s recapitulate, shall we? Casey wants Rizzo, not me. I want Casey, not Rizzo. And Rizzo…

well, shags anything that hasn’t run away screaming at the count of three. Which would appear to

include me. I could kick myself for my stupidity. I completely fell for his trap. He’s using me to get to

Casey. He knows the moment I’m out of the picture, he’ll have his way. And what would be a better

way to get rid of me than to make me do something to hurt Casey? Damn that bastard, that is exactly

what I’ve already done. All he needs to do now is to tell Casey about it, and I’m screwed.

There’s a knock on the door, and I jump slightly. Who the hell is that? I don’t get visitors. And

Casey’s not here over the weekend. Twenty-seven miserable, lonely, pathetic hours to go until I get to

see his face again.

“Come in, if you must.”

Well, kick my ass and call me a believer! I couldn’t have been more surprised if it had been Santa

Claus stepping into my room. It’s Rizzo. For a moment I’m completely floored. He’s never been to my

place before. How does he even know where I live? “What do you want here?”

“I guess I should come by more often, just to get such a warm welcome,” he grins and quickly

crosses the distance between us with a few confident strides.

“What do you want?” I repeat, my expression blank of emotion as I stare up at his handsome face.

He seems taller than I remember, but then again, I’m sitting at my desk and he’s standing close before

me.

“Do I need a reason? Or maybe you want me to make an appointment beforehand next time?” Rizzo

chuckles, and his hand automatically slides into his pocket to produce a pack of cigarettes.

“Don’t even think about it.”

He rolls his eyes, but stuffs them back in without so much as a snide remark, and that surprises me.

“So, you have no reason to be here, but you still are,” I analyze dryly.

“Ten points to the guy in the tasteless Spider-Man shirt.”

I frown, then look down at my chest and realize that I’m wearing the shirt my mom gave me years

ago. It was about two sizes to large then. Fits perfectly now. “Hey, you don’t insult Spider-Man around

here.”

“And the geekiness just keeps on coming.”

Giving him a look I raise an eyebrow. “Does this conversation have a purpose that I fail to see, or

did you just come by to annoy me?”

“Foley, I’m telling you, even my grandma wasn’t as uptight as you.”

“I bet your grandma was a stripper.”

His mouth widens to a grin, then he laughs, and I like the sound of that. Rizzo crosses his arms in

front of his chest and turns around to lean against the desk beside me. His eyes sparkle mischievously as

he looks down at me. “You know, you’re really not that bad, Foley.”

I blink slowly. Was that supposed to be some kind of compliment? Noticing the look on my face,

Rizzo laughs again, and for some reason, he almost seems a little embarrassed. But it can’t be, because

he never is. He fumbles for his cigarettes again, but lets his hand drop limply at his side when he

remembers, and it brushes against my bare arm unintentionally. I get goosebumps, and I pray he doesn’t

notice. Could he please not stand so close to me?

“Rizzo, if you think you can come by for a quickie in between your previous groupie and the next,

I’ve only got one thing to say to you: There is a reason god gave you hands.”

“Oh yeah? And would that be to do this?” Before I can react, Rizzo takes me by the arms and pulls

me up from my chair, pulls me close to him. He looks deeply into my eyes, suddenly serious, almost

pensive, like I’ve never seen him before.

“Don’t…” I begin to say, but my throat goes dry and the words just disappear, are blown away.