eyes to keep myself from making some embarrassing sound, and when I open them again I realize that

there’s actually someone in here trying to take a piss. I laugh out loud at the look on his face. And I just

can’t help myself.

“You done, or are you planning on staying to watch?” I lean my head back against the wall, my eyes

half-closed, and rock my hips forward against Rizzo’s as I say this, and I’m not sure which is better: the

heat in Rizzo’s eyes or the complete terror in the other guy’s.

I slide my hand to the front of Rizzo’s jeans, start undoing the buttons of his fly, and the guy at the

urinal zips up so fast I’m afraid he’s going to get something vital caught in there. Rizzo laughs low and

sexy in my ear as the guy sprints from the room.

Something that sounds a lot like “unbelievable” is laughed against my neck before there’s teeth there

and a mouth that’s so. Hot. I’m pulling at his shirt and over the pounding in my ears I can vaguely hear

myself breathing shallowly through my mouth and saying things like “please” and “now” and “Rizzo”.

His body is so damn amazing, and I can’t even describe the things he does with it. The last

functioning part of my brain stops to wonder how I could’ve ever forgotten something like this. Then

even that part of my brain shuts down and all I can do is feel.

As I slowly walk back to my dorm a while later, my knees aching just a little, all I can think about is

Rizzo. It doesn’t even occur to me to worry about that. All I want to know is when the next time will be.

But then I realize that it’s Thursday night, and there are always some amazing parties on Thursday

nights. This is turning out to be one hell of a great day.

Chapter 5

Mild Light

JAMES: It’s early October and ridiculous Halloween decorations are popping up everywhere. Someone

put up a singing plastic pumpkin in the hallway of our dorm, which in itself deserves the death penalty

in my opinion, because every couple of minutes someone pushes its button in passing and the thing

starts to wail like Tina Turner on speed. I have plans of sneaking down at night to - accidentally -

completely and utterly destroy it. These plans are only complicated slightly by it being unexpectedly

difficult to find a chainsaw on campus.

Other than that, though, I’m glad that summer is over and no one can deny that fall has begun. And

what an amazing fall we’re having this year. Shriner’s Park looks stunning with leaf colors ranging from

bright yellow to deep flaming red. The mornings are shrouded in mist and the earth smells rich and

moist all day long. Groups of enormous crows have taken over the grounds and like to attack the

freshmen trying to feed them.

I’ve barely had time to look around and fully appreciate it. No matter how late I stay up to study or

how early I get up, there’s always more to do. Sometimes I get too wrapped up in it all, and I know that

Casey’s been feeling neglected. But he knows what I’m like. It’s not something I can simply switch off.

He makes no secret of thinking that I’m taking on too much, but I need that. Keeping busy keeps me

from thinking, and if he had to live in my brain for just one day, he’d be the first to agree that things are

better this way.

I treasure the moments with him. I always do. I’m so far from home when he’s around, miles from

back then. It just breaks me, how he makes me want to be a better person. Someone who wouldn’t go

around seeing somebody else behind his back. Someone he’d deserve to be with. Someone not tainted,

jaded, and worn out.

It’s draining though, trying to be more positive and more open. But hell, if I can’t stand myself the

way I am, I gotta do something. And it’s easier to try for him. Still, if Casey knew who I really was,

what I have done… No, he must never know. I could never tell him, or anyone. And that’s not because I

had to swear not to.

* * *

The sky is so blue it’s unreal, like it’s pretending that it’s spring already. But the typical fluffy fall

clouds are lazily drifting by above us, and I have a hard time concentrating. What does the sky look like

over Berlin? Yet another secret weighing on my shoulders. But what good would it do now, telling

Casey that I applied for the scholarship? It might just cause a big fuss about nothing, after all. So why

on earth did I tell Danny?

Casey follows my gloomy stare to the park bench not too far from where we are sitting with our

books, trying to study. Danny’s crew is fooling around, enjoying the mild weather. Andrea, that

beautiful but cold brunette, is looking over at us. Rich girl, the dean’s daughter. She nods shortly when

she notices me. Just about as warm as a freezer, but out of that bunch of clowns, she’s the only one with

a personality of her own.

Danny’s friends have, for reasons one can only suspect, started to greet me whenever we meet. I

either ignore them or tell them to go to hell, it’s that absurd. They’ve never so much as glanced at me

before, and now I’m supposed to feel special, because they acknowledge my existence? Screw them all.

This isn’t high school, and you can shove your popularity right up your ass. If you want me to be

impressed with who you are and what you do, win a Nobel prize.

I’ve given up trying to avoid Danny, and still I hardly see him on his own these days. He’s always

with his crowd, and if he’s not, then that little punk from the cafe can’t be far. Something about that guy

irritates me. Enough for my fist to feel the violent urge to decorate his face with a nice black bruise

every time he leaves with Danny. He reminds me of a dog, and I don’t like dogs. They’re all about

dribbling and following orders, and they smell awful when they’re wet. So there.

I mean, I never expected Danny to take a vow of chastity because of me, but there’s no need for him

to make it that obvious that he’s having one hell of a great time.

I’m in a relationship, I have absolutely no right or reason to be jealous, that’s why it makes me even

angrier that I am. Why is it so unbearably hard to see him with someone else? Why do I feel like he’s

supposed to be mine? But that’s just the thing with Rizzo, isn’t it? He has a way of making you want

him to be yours and yours alone. But I’m not going to fall for that anymore.

The thought of us just being friends is plain laughable. So what else could we be?

Nothing. There is nothing else.

I look at Casey, and he’s still gazing over to their bench. When he notices me looking at him, he

smiles quickly. But something about that smile isn’t quite honest, it doesn’t match the startled look in

his eyes. As if he were feeling caught.

He nods to the bench and rolls his eyes in mild annoyance. Then he shuts the book on his lap. “Just

what is it about Rizzo?”

I try to fight the uneasy feeling, the feeling that I ought to really be paying attention to what’s

happening here. “I hate to be the one to remind you, but you were completely smitten with him last

semester.”

Casey snorts. “I wasn’t. At least not that much!”

I smile to myself and read the last few sentences on my page. Then I close my book as well and shift

a little to turn towards him. The golden light seems to soften the features of his handsome face. He has

his eyes half closed, squinting at the sun. Two small slits of sparkling blue. He’s lost a bit of weight

lately, but it looks good. More mature somehow.

“But you, James,” he continues with a frown. “You never liked Rizzo or his crowd. And now…”

“What now?”

“I’m asking you. What changed your mind?”