Not after he’s said that loud enough for everyone watching to hear. And not with the way the room is

slowly spinning around me…

And then there’s someone pulling me away, some girl I don’t know, and people are laughing, and

I’m being shoved out of the room. And I want to go back in there and hurt him as much as I can. Maybe

find Rizzo and hurt him too - maybe because I hate him right now, and maybe because I just want to

feel his body against mine.

But I don’t do that. I don’t do any of it. I leave the party instead.

I don’t go far… I’m surprised I make it as far as I do - into the park. But when I start tripping more

than walking, I figure it’s time for me to stop for a while.

I’m still in sight of the house, I can see the squares of the windows, the shadows of people walking

in front of them. They all look like they’re vibrating, but maybe it’s just me that’s vibrating.

Or shivering.

I’m freezing my ass off out here, alone in the park, because as I was walking out the door, I couldn’t

remember if I brought a coat to the party, much less where it might have been. So I’m out here, wearing

nothing but my shirt, and is this shirt even mine? I don’t think I even own anything this color.

All I want right now is to go home so I can go to sleep and this whole day can be over, but I still

can’t get my legs to work. So I just stand here, lean against this huge tree, and watch and listen to the

party going on without me.

I watch as two people rush out into the cold, looking as desperate to leave the party as I was - but for

a completely different reason.

They’re pressed so close together that I doubt even this cold can get between them. And this is just

perfect, isn’t it? Because that’s Rizzo. And him… whatever his name is, I don’t even know. And he

called me Rizzo’s lap dog, but look at him out here pressed up against Rizzo. He’s just where I want to,

need to be. And they’re - damn - they’re kissing. And moving against each other. And so hot.

Rizzo’s hands are curving around arms, ribs, hips, holding tightly, soothingly, tipping a chin back for

a closer kiss. Someone’s shirt rides up, and the quick flash of pale skin shining in the moonlight is just

too much for me to handle.

I tip my head back against the tree at the perfect angle so that I can rest it there and still watch them.

My hands slide inside my shirt, inside my boxers, and I can’t help it, can I? Because they’re amazing

standing there like that. And it’s so painful, but it’s so damn good.

And maybe I drank a little too much or took a few too many pills tonight, because it’s not a normal

thing to be watching the guy you’ve been sleeping with as he’s kissing some other guy. And it’s

definitely not normal to be getting off on it.

Just the thought is dirty enough to send a guilty pressure along my spine, and it makes me curl my

cold, numb fingers around myself in my boxers. It’s so messed up for me to be doing this, but I start to

match them, moving my hand at the same pace they’re moving against each other. I want to close my

eyes and imagine it’s Rizzo’s fingers moving around me, but I can’t tear my gaze away. It’s all too

much, the cold, the thoughts, the images of them, and as I see the guy’s legs give out, I feel mine do the

same. Only Rizzo isn’t there to wrap his arms around me like he’s doing for the guy clinging to him.

Instead, I get the rough bark of the tree catching my shirt and scraping my back raw as I slide down to

the ground.

They’re standing there, breathing, outlined in the moonlight, and Rizzo still has his arms wrapped

around that asshole. They’re holding on to each other like there isn’t anyone else around. Like I’m not

even there.

I might as well not be. I could walk over there right now, and I still wouldn’t be there. Not where it

counts. I’m on the outside, and there’s no one here to wrap their arms around me. Rizzo sure as hell

isn’t. And as I watch them kiss again, I know that Rizzo never will be.

I’m still sitting there after they finally leave, the snow falling on me now. I watch a flake land on my

hand and it doesn’t melt until I raise my shaky arm and blow a hot breath on it. A far-off corner of my

brain tells me I should get inside, and I almost (almost) wonder why I should bother. I wonder how long

it would take for someone to come looking for me if I just stayed here and let the snow fall on me.

But I pull myself back up against the tree, thinking that my back is going to look spectacular in the

morning, and I get my sorry ass home. Alone.

Chapter 11

Tabula Rasa

JAMES: You can’t choose who you fall in love with, or when. I realize this when Danny tears open the

door to my room on Thursday afternoon, and his beaming presence immediately lights up my four

gloomy walls like it’s the coming of the freaking Fairy Godmother.

“You genius!” He laughs and pulls me into an exuberant hug. His dark eyes are sparkling when he

lets me go to look at me. “Man! You’re going to Berlin!”

I can’t help but laugh as well. His joy is infectious. He‘s infectious. “I know. They told me this

morning.”

“And I have to wait to hear this from somebody else? Son of a bitch!”

I shrug and grin. “I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or not.”

“Are you crazy? It’s your dream!”

“What’s this all about?”

Casey’s standing in the open door, watching the scene with a small, confused smile.

“Hey, Rizzo,” his voice is softer than it used to be when he was talking to him. Danny barely

acknowledges his presence with the smallest of nods. The clear blue eyes seem to darken as Casey

looks from him to me and back.

Steve from two doors down has also stopped on his way past my room and is gawping at us

curiously. “Yeah, man, what’s the buzz?”

“None of your business,” Danny replies calmly but sharply, and poor Steve is quick to hurry on, like

a wet dog drawing in his tail.

Then Danny puts his arm around my shoulder and finally looks Casey in the face, an undoubtedly

sly smile on his lips. “Your brilliant boyfriend got himself the Berlin scholarship.”

Casey just stands still and stares, the complete and utter surprise visible on his face. Oh damn. Guess

we can safely say that the cat’s out of the bag. Why did he tell him? This was my job. A job I

completely suck at, admittedly. I throw Danny a dark glance that he shrugs off with an amused grin.

Yeah, okay, so it’s my own fault. And yeah, sometimes I need you to kick my sorry ass. But you know

nothing about how fragile relationships can be. Or perhaps you do, and you just love to hurt him. But

hurting Casey is the same as hurting me, won’t you ever understand?

I think I notice a trace of cruelty and a silent challenge in the unfathomable eyes looking back at me.

Like Danny’s silently telling me, “Go ahead, James. Push me a little further. I’ve come this far with you,

and this close to you. I’m not moving back an inch.”

But nobody’s moving back an inch anymore, are we? Positions have become scarily entrenched. In

this moment I realize that everything that’s been seething underneath the surface - within all three of us

- is about to reach a peak. Perhaps because we finally know what we want. I for one know that I do.

That nonchalant grin is on Danny’s lips again. “What do you say, Mills? Aren’t you damn proud?”

Slowly Casey steps into my room. He looks pale. “Is that true, James? I didn’t know you applied.”

“I was gonna tell you. But then I thought it was better to wait till I had their answer…”

“What made you think you couldn’t tell me this?”