Danny rolls his eyes. “And here comes another endless debate!” When he pulls his arm off of my

shoulder, hidden from Casey’s view he gently runs his fingertips along my back. A wave of excitement

shivers through my body. “See ya later, Jimmy Boy.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.” Casey’s voice sounds small and beaten. The way that Danny ignores him, he might as well

not be here at all. But Casey is here, and I can tell by the look in his eyes that he does mind being

purposely overlooked like that.

We both watch as Danny saunters out the door, closing it behind himself, and the air in here seems

cooler now that he’s gone. Feeling strangely trapped, I get the urge to run after him. Anything to avoid

what I know is coming now. I’m not a fan of confrontations, and don’t you know it? Hell, how am I

ever gonna explain the scholarship and my hiding the application? I have no explanation, save that I’m

a pathetic loser of a chicken shit.

When Casey turns towards me again, there’s an expression on his face I’ve never seen before. I’d

almost think that he hates me right now, if I didn’t know him well enough to know that isn’t possible.

I’m gripped by a sudden fear.

“Casey, listen, I’m sorry. I was gonna tell you, I was just about to…”

“It’s not that,” he cuts me off impatiently. He closes his eyes for a moment and exhales deeply. Then

he almost seems to smile a little, bitterly. “I’m such an idiot.”

“What? No…”

“No?” When he opens his eyes again, the deep blue orbs are shimmering with tears. But all the while

he appears to be strangely composed. “I went through hell because of you, James. I couldn’t bear to hurt

you.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Do you really not know?” There’s pain in his voice now. Casey sinks down on my bed like he’s in

some kind of trance. His gaze is fixed on the floor when he speaks again. “I’m in love with him too.”

* * *

Through the closed window, I can hear the distant noise of a wild snowball fight on the grounds below.

Cheering, screaming, shouting, laughing. The world outside is having a party, unaware and uncaring for

the drama unfolding inside these four walls of mine.

We’re sitting here on the bed, side by side, and the silence is thick enough to be cut into pieces. I’ve

kind of been in this situation before, haven’t I? But everything was different then. And everything’s

even more messed up now. Who’d have ever thought this would be possible?

I’m feeling utterly lost, and horribly guilty, and goddamnit, so betrayed. And I don’t know whether

to laugh or cry. All the words that I could say are frozen in my throat, and they’re choking me.

“I never meant to hurt you,” Casey finally speaks.

“I never meant to hurt you either.” That broken voice doesn’t sound like my own.

He glances at me. “Look, James,” and why does he have to be the strong one now? How can he be

so composed and so beautiful with those heartbreaking tears quietly rolling down his cheeks? “Maybe

you and I… were never meant to be together.”

“How can you say that?” I manage only a raspy whisper.

“Because we’re friends.” He reaches out to grab my hand, but I pull it away before he can. No, don’t

be kind. Don’t touch me now. But don’t you let go. Don’t say it’s over. Please don’t.

I bite down hard on my lower lip to keep the agony I’m feeling from spilling out of me. I’m such a

creep. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. I’m less than nothing. I’m not even here. There’s only blackness

ahead, and the familiar mist is coming over me. And with it, the violent need to cut. Voices, whispering

in my mind. Telling me that only the sight of my blood can save me now.

“You’re not even worth a good beating, you piece of shit, you fucking queer,” Simon grins

maliciously, and lets his threatening hand fall down. Kicks me in the guts one last time, and I know my

small, wounded whimper is music to his ears. I don’t know for how long I stay like this after he’s left, a

ball of pain, everything hurting and throbbing. I want to crawl out of my skin, that ugly old skin covered

with scars and tainted memories. I want to fly away and not be me anymore. I want to be gone.

I claw my fingernails into my legs, right through the fabric of my jeans. I feel no pain. I feel nothing.

I apply more pressure, too much pressure, and then the taste of blood is suddenly in my mouth, and I

blink slowly.

“James?” Casey strokes my cheek, then he pulls me close and holds me carefully. “It’s okay. We’re

gonna work it out,” he whispers close to my ear, and his voice is cracking a little. “I know we will. I’ll

always be your friend. I’m here for you.”

I can feel myself nodding, but it takes a moment for his words to sink in. How? I want to say. How

can we be friends now? After what I did, after how you lead me on? Were you ever really in love with

me, or did you just think you were? Did you just pretend?

But at the same time I know that he didn’t. He’s not that kind of person. He must have thought it was

real. But I’m not Danny Rizzo, I’m not the one he fell for to begin with. And if anyone knows about the

things Danny can do to you, no matter if it’s willingly or unknowingly, I do.

I think I have an epiphany, this very moment. I have no reason to feel hurt, or to be angry. I have no

reason to forgive, or be forgiven. And it’s no use blaming myself. And it’s no use trying to search for

answers. Because there are none. We can’t chose who we fall in love with, or when. Maybe it’s

nobody’s fault. Maybe these things just happen, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them. In the

end, it doesn’t make the slightest difference how much you love someone. It happens all the same.

As much as it hurts to lose what we had, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it would have done a few

weeks ago. And maybe Casey is right? Maybe we are meant to be friends. Maybe that means more than

I thought it did. And maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna be alright. If I go and make it alright.

Maybe it’s a bit late to do the right thing, but it’s not too late. It’s easy to see things from Casey’s

point of view, having been in a similar situation. How could I spend time with Danny now, knowing

how it makes Casey feel to see us together? And damn, I know exactly how shitty that feels. It’s pure

misery. How could I knowingly put him through that? I have to stand by my best friend now. There is

no other way.

I don’t know for how long we sit like this before he lets me go and looks into my eyes. “God,” he

says with a crooked little smile. “I don’t wanna lose you, you hear?” he mumbles close to my ear.

“You’re not going to.” We hold each other for a long moment before we both pull away.

“Well,” Casey sighs softly. “We can’t both have him. And he never wanted me.”

I sit up straight and shake my head. Then I lift my hand and wipe away the last one of his subsiding

tears. “Forget it. I’m not gonna do this to you anymore. I promise.”

* * *

It’s true that I suck at making decisions. But once I do make them, I stand by what I’ve decided. It

seems ironic that now that I finally know what I want, I have to let it go.

A couple of hours have passed, but so much has changed this afternoon that it seems like forever. It’s

getting dusky already. That intense, pure blue you only see just before dark that makes all the lit

windows appear bright yellow. The way to his dorm is much longer than I remember. The air is so cold

it stings like needles on my face. Wish I’d put on a scarf. It’s early November and clear that winter is

here.

I don’t really expect Danny to be home when I knock on his door, but he is. I can hear low voices