inside. It takes a whole minute before he answers. Enough time for my hands to get sweaty and my

stomach to turn into a frozen lump.

First thing I see when he opens are those beautiful laughing eyes, then his bare, drop-dead gorgeous

chest. Heat spills out into the corridor. He must have flung on his trousers in a hurry. His broad smile is

mirroring happy surprise.

“James!” He elegantly steps outside through the crack, managing to not even give me a glimpse of

who’s still inside, before the door snaps shut with a soft click.

“You’re not alone,” I state flatly.

He shrugs with a charming grin. “Want to come in? He’ll be gone in a minute.”

“No, don’t bother. I’ll be quick.”

“Don’t be,” he says, and moves closer to me.

Oh boy. How am I ever gonna be able to do this? “I need to talk to you.”

“It just so happens that I need to talk to you too, Jimmy Boy.” That small smile on his lips is

irresistible, even more so when I notice the tiniest flicker of nervousness in his eyes. Heart’s beating

madly. Danny Rizzo nervous? What does this mean? There’s something in his dark orbs that seems to

be speaking to me already, a kind of warmth that makes me feel hot all over and chases the chilly air

still clinging to me away. I fight hard to not let it get to me and keep up my indifferent facade.

“About what?”

“About you and me.”

Oh damn. “I’m here for that too.”

“Fire away, I’m all yours.”

Oh god and hell. I cannot do it. I can’t. But I have to. I can’t be weak. I can’t mess this up.

Of all the things that Simon taught me, one thing has enabled me, and will always enable me to get

through anything. And for that I owe the bastard. It’s like a switch that I flick, and it turns off any kind

of feelings. At all. I go completely blank on the emotional scale, and my rational side takes over

completely. I flick this switch now, and seconds later I am ice.

Danny seems to sense this change immediately, because his smile fades, and his expression turns

uncharacteristically serious. I know he’s as ready as he’ll ever be to hear what I have to say, and so I

speak. “I can’t go on seeing you anymore. This thing between you and me, it has to end.”

He blinks slowly, and his usually pleasantly soft voice sounds a little hoarse. “What?”

“Whatever this was, it’s over. That’s all I have to say.”

“What kind of crap is this?” He laughs unbelievingly, and just shakes his head.

“You want an explanation? There is none. None that you’d accept anyway.”

“You’re damn right!” He stares at me, trying to read me, but I know that in my current state, it’s

simply not possible. And I’m thankful for that.

My apparent cold seems to finally fully hit him now, and his eyes turn dark with defiance and hurt.

“This is bullshit! Is this Mills’ doing?”

“It’s my own decision. You heard what I said, Rizzo.”

“Rizzo!” He laughs, but it sounds painful. “What’s going on, James? Why are you doing this?”

“I’m gonna leave now,” is all that I can answer.

“No!” His eyes are the most intense plea and his voice is soft again when he continues to speak.

“No, James. Not like that. Talk to me.”

Again, I just shake my head.

“Talk to me.”

I feel the pull of my emotions wanting to spring back to life, but I can’t allow them. And there really

is nothing else to say. “Just let me go, Rizzo.”

“Not without a very good reason.”

He puts his hand on my arm, and that’s just too much for me to bear. It’s more instinct than

conscious will, but I slap his hand off, perhaps harder than I meant to. My eyes are completely empty

when I stare at him. They have to be.

“Don’t touch me. Ever again. Stay out of my life.”

But I can’t turn away yet. I take in his handsome features one last time. To memorize him. To

memorize the way he is when we’re together. He’s beautiful. He’ll always be beautiful to me. And

maybe some day, I’ll be able to let him know. But not now, not for a very long time. And perhaps never.

Then I turn around and walk away, and he doesn’t try to stop me anymore. I can feel him staring at

my back for another long moment, then his door is opened, and I can hear his voice talking to someone.

It’s the coldest and most painful thing I’ve ever heard. Short, strict, devoid of all feeling.

“Out. Get out.”

My turning round the corner and heading down the steps is the parting of our ways. As far as I’m

concerned, from this moment on we’ll be strangers, he and I. That’s when the switch flicks back on its

own account, and the feelings spring back to life.

Standing very still, I try to breathe, but I can’t. The pain starting to flood me is too intense.

I’m vaguely aware of hurried footsteps coming towards me, then someone deliberately bumps into

me, walking down the steps. He stops and briefly turns around, with blue eyes spitting fire. Goth Boy. I

might have known it was him in Rizzo’s room.

“What’ve you done now, you fucker?” he spits at me.

My eyes are still empty as I stare back at him. “Just grow up, kid” I hear myself answer tonelessly.

Maybe the emotional void I still am for the most part spooks him somehow, I don’t know. But he

hurries on without another word, without looking back again.

I let the cold hit me when I step outside into a world of blue. The first stars are appearing in the

darkening sky. There’s nobody on the snow covered, winding path except for me. Even Goth Boy has

vanished like a ghost.

It’s done. I just told Danny that it’s over. Press reset, and it’s like we never knew each other at all.

Tabula rasa. I’m on my own again. Casey and I’ve broken up. We’re back to being friends, or at least

back to trying to be friends once more. Casey’s still Casey, Rizzo’s still Rizzo, and I’m still the same old

Jimmy Foley, whoever that is. We’re all back to square one. Almost. But there were special moments,

there was someone who made me feel like it was okay just to be me. There was pain, and there was

beauty, and damnit, there was sex good enough to blow your mind for good. It wasn’t all for nothing.

Rizzo left his mark on me. I wonder, did I leave a mark on him as well? And if so, is he going to hate or

cherish that mark?

I’m feeling so much older as night falls silently around me. I wonder where the decision I made is

gonna lead me. And what he’s doing now, but I quickly chase the thought away. If I can’t forget, I’ll

force myself to. And if I can’t stop feeling for him, I’ll make myself feel nothing at all. And if I hurt

him, I am sorry. For once in my life, I have to be a true friend. I have to do what is right.

Chapter 12

Avalanche

NICK: Rehearsal’s a joke. This whole play is a joke. And me? I’m a joke in it. With this shitty little

part. At the back of the stage, where no one can see me at all. I’m meant to be up front, in the spotlight

with the lead actors. But instead I’m stuck back here, where no one sees me, and no one pays attention

to me, not even when I say my lines. They all look bored during my scenes, and I don’t blame them. I’m

bored too.

Because rehearsal isn’t the escape it’s supposed to be. Every time I walk through the doors, I can feel

Jeff’s eyes on me. Watching me, studying me, like he’s looking for something specific. It makes me

want to itch at my skin, because it’s constant. I can feel it on me, and I can’t get rid of it.

What makes things even worse is that he’s the only one looking at me. Rizzo’s barely even glanced

my direction in days. Ever since he kicked me out of his room. I don’t know what the hell that stupid

asshole said to Rizzo, but I’d love to kick his face in. But I haven’t even seen him since that day in the