university there starts in October, but I’d like to make the move to Germany and settle in a while before

that. And definitely brush up on my German long before then.

Mom used to talk to me in German when I was very little. She wanted to make sure learning my

dad’s first language would come easy to me later on if I wanted to. She didn’t do that anymore after

Simon had come into our lives. I think he must have asked her to stop. He certainly didn’t like her and

me having secret little conversations he couldn’t understand. But I’ve always associated Germany with

my father, which gives me strangely warm feelings for this foreign place. There’s no logic to it, just a

gut feeling, but I’ve been wanting to visit the country for as long as I can remember. The mere thought

of getting to live there is exciting. A bit scary, too, but mostly exciting. The more time passes, the more

real the scholarship is becoming. And the more I really want to go. And let’s face it, apart from Mom,

there’s really not an awful lot keeping me this side of the Atlantic anymore.

* * *

I introduce Nick to Casey two weeks later. We’ve met up a couple of times in the meantime. Just to

have coffee and talk. About anything, really. The play, stuff to do with the paper, stuff that goes on at

college that we’re both not happy about. We never seem to run out of conversation topics. He told me

about rehab, and what it’s like to be back at school for him now. It’s a gesture of trust that I appreciate.

Not that I can give any useful advice. But I think maybe it helps him somehow that I’m there, not

judging, just listening. The whole Nick and Casey thing though… let’s just say they won’t become best

friends anytime soon. Like, some time within this century-soon. Casey laughs at me afterwards, on the

way to our dorms.

“Well, that was a little… weird.”

“Not my best idea ever to bring the two of you together, huh?” I say unhappily.

“No, I’m glad you introduced us. I always want to meet your friends.” Friends. Are Nick and I

friends? I’m surprised by how much I like the idea. Casey continues: “I don’t always have to love them,

but I still want to meet them.”

“Never fear, there won’t be lots more to come anytime soon.”

“Oh, you never know.” He smiles at me. “With your looks and charms…”

“Ha ha.”

“What? I’m serious. You got your own kind of charm. Not everyone gets that, sadly. But those who

don’t, don’t deserve you anyway.”

“Stop it, you’re making me blush,” I snarl, and he laughs out loud.

“Oh, James.” His eyes are shining warmly when he looks at me. “I just want for you to be happy.

You know that, don’t you?”

I nod. “I do. Ditto.”

Casey looks at the small buds on a tree we’re walking past. “Spring is coming. Can you feel it in the

air?”

“You mean the godawful cold that’s making my nose freeze off?”

He rolls his eyes, smiling. “Bless your romantic little heart. Seriously, though, I can’t wait for

everything to be green again.”

I nod, getting lost in my thoughts. Every day is taking me closer to the day I’ll have to leave here.

Woodhaven, my refuge. Is Berlin going to be what I expect? Am I going to love it there? What if I hate

it? But something tells me I won’t hate it, like that’s not even a possibility. Like I already know this city

somehow. Because it’s such a strange place, with so much dark history, and so much amazing spirit, and

just a little screwed up, just like me.

“You’re going to leave in a couple of months,” Casey says thoughtfully, like he’s read my mind

somehow. It’s wonderfully familiar, him knowing what I’m thinking. He used to all the time. Not so

much since our break-up, but maybe it’s coming back. Like grass growing back when the snow is gone.

“Looks like it, yeah.”

“Does that mean you still haven’t quite made up your mind?” he scolds me.

I shrug helplessly and kick at a small stone on the pathway. “It just doesn’t feel right to leave Mom

alone for so long. I won’t be able to drive down on weekends sometimes to check up on her, and stuff

like that. What if she needs me?”

“She’ll always need you, but here’s the thing: this is your life. You mom’s social worker will make

sure she’s okay. Stop worrying so much.”

“But that’s me.”

“I know,” he laughs softly. “You’re a worrier. So why not direct that worry towards more useful

topics? Like how you’re gonna get all your stuff to Berlin. A year’s a long time.”

A year’s a very long time. “I have no clue. I can’t take all my books, that’s for sure.”

He laughs. “James, what you’ve got is a library!”

“Apparently,” I frown. “Last week Professor Weisman wanted to borrow one of my books.”

“Did you give it to her?”

“Hell no. If I started with that, who knows what might come next?”

He can’t stop laughing. “Only you would turn down a professor. I love you, you know that?”

I nod, smiling warmly. “Yeah. I know that.” For a moment, it’s almost like we were never anything

but friends. Best friends. It’s a surprisingly great feeling. I don’t think I’ve been this relaxed around him

since the break-up. That’s a good sign, right? Maybe I’m over it at last. And maybe Nick is right.

Maybe setting things right with Rizzo is the next thing I have to tackle. But as hard as the situation with

Casey was at one point - it’s nothing compared to what probably awaits me with Rizzo. I’m thinking

protective clothing might be a good idea. I’ve made up my mind, though. I’m going to talk to Rizzo

really soon, and try to work this out. I need to at least explain to him why I did what I did. He deserves

it. And even if he hates me completely now, I need to let him know how I feel about him. That nothing’s

changed, as far as I’m concerned. Not that it’ll do me much good. But sometimes there are things you

just have to do.

Chapter 9

Bitter Pill

DANNY: By March even the biggest skeptics are convinced that Keller is the best thing that could have

happened to the play. I never told Keller this, but our old Horatio sucked. That guy was stiff as a puppet,

and gave me little to work with. We never had a connection, let alone any chemistry on stage. With

Nick, it’s ridiculously easy. With his act together, he is a real talent. He’s even better than last year. He’s

intense, and we’re damn intense together, and I love all our scenes best in the entire play. I think Jeff

does too. I never got why he cast the other guy in the first place, and I told him so. Jeff knows going big

director on me doesn’t work. It’s been like this with us since my freshman year when he talked me into

trying out for a part in a production of Of Mice and Men. I tried out for a ranch-hand. I got the part of

George Milton. I seem to be firmly booked as leading man in his head ever since then. He’s like a weird

mixture of buddy and father figure to me. Constantly nagging me to apply for a proper drama school

after Woodhaven. This is a good school with a very good reputation. It’s even known for its outstanding

education in performing arts. But it certainly isn’t Juilliard.

But do I really see myself as an actor? It used to seem like such a great way to spend your life, doing

what comes naturally and getting paid for it. But I don’t feel any ambition when I think about it. Never

have. I don’t see myself on Broadway. I guess deep down I know what I’d really like to do. And that’s

got next to nothing to do with acting. I can hear the lure of music, like muses whispering sweet,

tempting words into my ears at night when I can’t sleep. But there’s Grazzo, and his overwhelming wish