but somehow I can’t. So he rambles on as he gets closer to me and the door. “And I’m sorry, Rizzo. In

the end, I was the one who messed it all up. It’s my fault, and if you want to take it out on someone, it

should be me, not James.”

I very slowly step closer. “Why are you still here?”

“Okay, okay, I’m leaving. And I really am sorry. But you weren’t the only one who got hurt in this.

We all did.”

I open the door, but he just won’t stop talking.

“I just hope some day you’ll understand that you and James deserve a shot. And that you’ll find it in

you to give him another ch…”

I don’t let him finish. I grab him and virtually toss him out of the room.

* * *

One hour later I stand under the shower at the 24 hour gym next to campus, having worked off all my

anger and frustration as best I could. I let the soft water run down my body soothingly, but I’m feeling

strangely numb. So I turn the tap to icy cold, and I exhale harshly as the cold water hits me. But it feels

good somehow, stinging my skin like needles.

I know what people think of me. They think Rizzo doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. And

yeah, for the most part, that’s probably true. But those select few I do care about, I would do anything

for. Just as long as they never knew. I can set the scumbag who almost raped Andrea in freshman year

up so that he gets kicked out of college. I can make sure the dealer who almost got Keller killed doesn’t

ever come near him again. I can do that. I’m good at the revenge thing. I’m good at the intimidation

thing. I have no problem treating anyone I don’t care about like shit. ‘Cause I also happen to be good at

not having scruples.

But once I did grow to like Foley, I wouldn’t have done to him what he did to me. He gave no

reason, no explanation. Just “it’s over, deal with it”. And I thought I was over it, but god, it still hurts

like hell.

Foley doesn’t hurt people on purpose. He may be a snarky bastard, but he isn’t heartless. And then

he went and did this to me all the same. I know, who am I to talk, and I know I’ve done things far worse

than that to people I didn’t give a shit about. Maybe this is karma kicking me in the guts. But as I stand

in the icy cold shower, letting the water run over my face, I just want to be who I used to be before I

ever met James Foley. But hard as I may try, I’m not that same guy anymore. And then a weird little

conversation with myself starts that goes something like this:

“Why can’t this shit ever end? It’s like the shit that keeps on shitting.”

“At least now you know why. He was trying to protect his friend from getting hurt.”

“By hurting me instead. I love that logic.”

“Forgive him. You know you have to forgive him or this will eat you up.”

“I can’t. I’m not ready to.”

“You need to let this go.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do for months?”

“Forgive him.”

“I said I can’t.”

“I see. But you still want him back, don’t you?”

“I DON’T!”

“Don’t lie to me. You know you do.”

That’s when I turn the water on fully, and the sound of it rushing down on me finally drowns out my

thoughts. I feel like I’m turning into ice, and the needles are digging into my skin, but I clench my teeth

and stand still as a rock.

* * *

When I close the lid of the grand piano at the large theatre auditorium that night, having played for over

an hour, I feel even more confused than I did before. Usually the music helps me figure stuff out

without having to actively think about it. But tonight it felt like with every note I played, my damn heart

was breaking all over again. Images are dancing in my mind, images of us together. The memory is so

vivid that I can almost smell the scent of his skin. And it makes me want to crawl right out of my own

skin. Deep inside the need to hurt him back the same way he hurt me is killing me. And I realize that all

these months of keeping my mouth shut, staying as far away from James Foley as I could didn’t get me

all that far. I’m still in the same place. Only I’m not numb from the shock or whatever it was anymore.

I’m angry. It’s like poison in my veins, keeping me from breaking free. And I need him to know.

I’m not sure what devil possesses me to do it, but my feet seem to walk me to his dorm room on

their own account. It’s a quarter to midnight, but there’s light coming through the crack under his door. I

raise my hand and knock.

A moment passes before I can hear a chair getting pushed back inside. Foley looks pale and tired

when he opens, but the moment he sees me, he freezes in plain shock. And then his gray eyes light up.

“Rizzo!”

“You wanna tell me something? For god’s sake show a little backbone and do it yourself.”

“Um - what are you talking about?” He seems completely puzzled, but then it slowly dawns on him.

“Oh no. Casey? Has he been talking to you? I told him not to.” His eyes are not as bright now that he’s

seen how angry I am, but there’s still an annoying shimmer of hope in them.

“With little success.”

“Shit.” James swallows, looking even paler now. He looks at me standing there, all my muscles

tense with anger, and he seems lost, unsure what to do. He clears his throat. “Do you… do you want to

come in?”

“This won’t take long.”

“I hope not,” he tries cautiously. He takes a deep breath and adds, “Damn… It’s good to see you.”

Since I won’t come in, he steps out of the room, closer to me on the narrow corridor. My heartbeat

accelerates, but I ignore it.

“Really? That’s funny. Last I checked you were still pretending I didn’t exist.”

“Yeah. About that… I know that was messed up. I wish I could…”

“Undo it? Well, you can’t.”

I can see pain flickering in his eyes, and that feels pretty good to me right now. His shoulders

hunched, his arms hanging at his sides, I’ve never seen him look so lost. He seems so fragile all of a

sudden, like one strong breath of air could make him shatter into a million pieces.

“Can I at least apologize to you?” he says quietly, sincerely. “Will you allow me that?”

“Save it. All I want to know is this: Did it ever occur to your supposedly brilliant brain that you

sacrificed the wrong pawn? Did you think, hey, he’s Rizzo, he’ll get over it?”

His expression changes to something harder, the familiar defensive wall coming up. “I thought it

would be easier for you than for him, yes.”

I laugh out coldly. “I don’t believe this! You put me through hell, and you don’t even realize!”

He shakes his head, his entire body tense now. But his eyes have softened, and are pleading with me.

“I’ve been trying not to think of you. That’s the only way I could manage to stay away.”

“You managed pretty well.”

He hesitates, and I can tell that there’s something he isn’t quite sure he should tell me. But then he

does. “That’s the way I work, Danny. That’s the only way I can function some days. I think you know

that.”

Danny. He slipped back into calling me Danny. Suddenly it’s summer again, and he’s at my house, in

my bed, having just told me about Simon, and there’s an intimacy unlike anything I’ve ever known.

Heart’s beating like crazy. Every fiber of my body is craving for his touch, aches for him. But that’s not

how this works, and it’s not why I came here. I push the feeling back violently. “Don’t use that to justify

what you did,” I push out through clenched teeth.

James nods. “I’m not trying to justify this. I hated the possibility of hurting you. But Casey has been

my friend for a long time. And let’s be honest, Danny. I barely know you. Sometimes you let me in, but