me his Porsche. I felt like a perfect snapshot for “what is wrong with this picture?” the entire time I was

driving, but it made me grin. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the standard of living Danny has grown

up with. And that’s a good thing.

The sun was low in the sky, throwing long shadows of gravestones across the lawn when I entered

the cemetery. There was no-one else there, just a couple of crows staring down at me from the trees. For

a moment I thought I could smell a trace of fall on the wind, rustling the leaves.

I don’t believe in talking to dead people. How are they supposed to hear? But Danny suggested I try.

Just because. I felt silly, crouching down before Mom’s grave. I didn’t know what to say. I felt lonely

and miserable.

“I miss you, Mom,” I finally said hoarsely. “I miss you so much.” A warm wind tousled my hair, and

I got goosebumps all of a sudden. It felt like a loving touch. Before I knew it, I was blurting it all out, all

the things I couldn’t tell her when she was still alive. “I’m sorry I hit Simon that day,” I heard myself

saying. “But I’m also not sorry at all. Because I love you, and you were the only thing that mattered to

me.” I took a deep breath and ran my fingers along the rough, cold gravestone. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there

to stop the fire and protect you. I’m so sorry.”

I don’t really know what happened, I can’t explain it. But once the words were out, I felt an

immediate change in me. Like forgiveness had somehow, miraculously come. Or maybe there had never

been anything to forgive to begin with. Mom would have said so for sure. She wouldn’t have wanted me

to live in the past, but to let go off my shame and turn my life into something to be proud of. Maybe

with time I can learn to accept myself with all my faults and insecurities. Maybe I can even learn to be

proud of myself, like she had been. I suddenly understood that she would have wanted me to let her go,

and be happy. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe so much easier. And

there was the most amazing feeling of peace. I’d never felt like that before.

“Bye, Mom,” I said as I finally got up. I touched her gravestone one more time, and I left the

graveyard, never looking back.

* * *

Our itty bitty farewell committee accompanies us to the airport. There’s Casey, Andrea, and Nick. Anna

and Rhea gave me a call last night from their holiday in Mexico to wish us a save flight. Danny is in an

infectiously good mood. He can’t wait to get away. Now that the big day is here, I don’t really know

what I want anymore. Only that I want to be with him, and that I’m the luckiest bastard on the planet to

have this amazing human being for my boyfriend. The thought helps take my mind off the possibility of

a plane crash into the icy waters of the Atlantic. I have about a million disturbingly detailed plane crash

scenarios in my head. Did I mention that I hate flying?

Then there’s hugs and good-byes all around, and more promises of everyone coming to visit us in

Berlin as soon as we’ve settled in. I watch Danny and Nick hug tightly for a long moment. It’s a bit

heartbreaking to see. I wish we could just kidnap Nick and take him along. For the third time Casey tells

me to call when we get there, or he’ll worry himself sick. I’m a bit shocked when Andrea wipes a tear

out of the corner of her eye and attacks me with a hug that’s so quick she probably hopes no-one saw.

Then it’s time to leave.

Our friends are still there as we get in line for Security Check to soon be absorbed in the usual

degrading pre-flight rituals. I look back once we’re through, at this motley crew that has nothing at all

in common but us, and I wonder what new things will await them once we’re gone. They wave at us

again, laughing and shouting for us to be naughty, and have the time of our lives. I have every intention

to.

Danny casually takes my hand in his as we stroll along, past a long line of duty free shops. There’s

plenty of time to waste those last dollars in our pockets on things we really don’t need. But we’re gonna

be paying in euros in the very near future. My god, it’s actually happening.

* * *

Three hours and one not so unexpectedly crappy paperback novel later we’ve finally boarded the plane.

We quietly make fun of the flight attendant’s little safety instruction dance, and I feel silly for laughing

so hard about it. My fingers dig into the armrests as we take off. I get that alarming squirm in my

stomach that makes me remember why not having wings should be a clue for mankind to just stay on

the ground.

Danny laughs at my frozen face, and I frown at him. “What? I told you I don’t like planes.”

“I love take-off. The speed, the rush…”

“…the feeling of sheer terror,” I finish his sentence dryly.

The laughing brown eyes are looking at me. “I’m gonna find the biggest roller-coaster in Europe and

take you on it.”

“Keep the roller-coaster. Living with you is gonna be challenge enough.”

“Look who’s talking,” he grins. “Why am I doing this again?”

“Because you’re crazy about me. Or so I hear.”

His grin broadens as he shakes his head. “You got that wrong, Jimmy Boy. You’re crazy about me.

That’s what I hear.”

“Oh, is that right?” I grin back at him. “If I remember correctly, you were after me first.”

Danny laughs. “Fine, you got me. Guilty as charged.”

I chuckle to myself. “I always thought you were incredibly hot. Since I first saw you.”

He arches an eyebrow. “Did you now? You were pretty good at hiding it.”

“I did my best. And look where it got me.”

He looks at me, all pretend-smug, but his eyes are shining brightly. “We could have saved ourselves

a lot of trouble if you’d shown me.”

“But then again, that wouldn’t have been as much fun.”

He laughs. “Fun? More like torture.”

“That’s fun, the Foley way.” I grin.

Danny looks at me fondly. “Never change, Jimmy.”

“Ditto.” I lean over and kiss him. He pulls me closer, and I lose my train of thought. When I very

carefully glance at the small plane window next to him again, I have a big, goofy grin on my face, my

fear of flying almost forgotten. The plane breaks through the misty clouds, and then there’s the endless

sky all around, and the sun is on my face. Beacon-bright. I close my eyes for a moment, and a happy

little smile steals onto my lips when Danny sings close to my ear: “Blue skies, smiling at me, nothing

but blue skies do I see…”

Excitement stirs in my stomach again, the best kind. This is my one shot at a new beginning, a clean

slate. New country, new city, and maybe even a new me. A me that finally allows itself to be loved. And

even if I stay the old me, that’s okay. It’s not that bad, being me. Took me quite a long while and the

world’s most gorgeous boyfriend to see that, but there you go. So there. The realization comes as a

surprise, but I have faith, I do. Faith in myself, faith in us, and for this one moment, even faith in this

planets’ sad population. Oh, this is gonna be good. Brace yourself, world, here we come.

Epilogue

A Letter, 2 Months Later

Hey Nick,

How are things on the other side of the Atlantic? Is Woodhaven treating you well?

Sorry it’s taken me so ridiculously long to write an actual letter, but life’s been kinda crazy around here.

Like I mentioned on the phone, I guess you don’t know how well you speak a language until you

actually move to the country. Gulp. I have come to learn that I don’t know shit about German; at least it

feels like that more often than not. It’s either that, or the dear people of Berlin just have a really weird