She is fifteen again.

Nazirah looks younger here, but not by much.Her hair is slightly shorter, just as unruly, and bleached heavilyfrom the intense sunlight. Her chest is flatter, hips narrower,body tanner from lying on the beach all day. Her smile is as brightas the sun above her, unburdened by the troubles she carries now.Even though her father has been ill for months and her family isstruggling to survive, this Nazirah is filled with youthfuloptimism she never imagines will be ripped from her. This is thecarefree girl of her past.

This is Irri.

“Cato, come on!”

Irri steps a few feet in front of Nazirah,looking over her shoulder, waiting for Cato to catch up. Nazirahwonders if she really sounds like that. She takes in her formerself’s choice of white shorts and ratty tank top. She practicallylived in that shirt all summer.

Cato comes into view behind Irri, slightlyout of breath. Nazirah is startled by how much he has grown up inthe past three years. He looks like a little boy here, at sixteen.Nazirah will definitely tease him about that later.

“Irri, this is such a bad idea,” Cato says,but his smile tells her otherwise.

Irri walks forward a little farther. Shestops at the edge of the cliff, which juts out almost a hundredfeet above the lagoon. Irri peers down, then glances back at Catoexcitedly. “A bad idea is just a good idea done wrong.”

“Irri …” Cato warns.

Irri backs away from the edge. She gentlytakes his hands. “Trust me?”

Nazirah remembers several weeks ago, whenshe purposely asked Cato that again by the swings. And then, justbefore, Adamek said the same thing to her. She looks at himcuriously, but he’s focused on the scene before them.

Is it a coincidence?

“You know I do.”

“Then don’t be such a coward,” Irri saysmischievously. Without further pretense, Irri strips off her tanktop, exposing a deep navy bra below. She tosses the shirt on thegrass casually and unbuttons her shorts. Irri turns away from Cato,not giving him another thought.

Nazirah is mortified. Did she really dothat? She would never undress like that in front of Cato now!Nazirah doesn’t dare peep at Adamek again. Cato looks at Irrilongingly, clearly conflicted. Nazirah’s heart drops into herstomach. They started this far back, his feelings for her? Shewishes more than ever that Adamek wasn’t here to see this. Thismoment isn’t for him.

Irri kicks off her shorts, revealingmismatched underwear underneath. She walks back to the edge of thecliff. Cato, fears alleviated, smiles widely and pulls off hisshirt. He comes up beside her. “This is crazy,” he says.

Irri entwines their hands. She and Catostare into the serene waters below, then share a significant look.Nazirah knows exactly what Irri will say next. She mouths the wordsalong with her, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

“No,” they say. “This is beautiful.”

Chapter Ten

The memory fades away.

Nazirah finds herself sitting in the draftyclassroom once again, gasping. She forces herself to take deepgulps of air. She looks up, notices Adamek watching her. There isan emotion behind his eyes she cannot place. But Nazirah isn’tfocusing on that. She can’t stop thinking of that memory, of thatindescribable rush, of that feeling.

“Can we do it again?” she whispers.

Adamek shakes his head, not taking his eyesoff her. He lifts the glass cube from Nazirah’s lap, placing it onthe desk beside them. “Like I said … Medi soldiers use the Iluxorto face their worst fears and move past them. But it’s morepopularly used recreationally throughout Mediah. Medis use it toescape reality. Many of them get hooked on it, addicted like it’s adrug. Reliving their past over and over again becomes theirreality, their present, their future. It can be very dangerous ifyou aren’t careful.”

Nazirah looks wistfully at the dormantglass, thinking about how she uses reading as her own escape tool.She wonders how it will ever suffice, now that she knows what elseis possible. “I never thought Medis would need to escape reality,”she says.

Adamek stands up. “Intermix don’t have amonopoly on human suffering, Nation.”

“I know that,” she snaps, rising from herseat as well. Deep in her heart, Nazirah isn’t sure if she’s everreally realized it before. They walk to the door, which Adamekholds open for her. Nazirah should just leave, but she feels likethere is more she needs to say.

“Thank you,” she tells him quickly, beforelosing her nerve. Nazirah hopes he understands. She isn’t justthanking him for today. She’s also thanking him for several weeksago, for helping her fight again, helping her find herself …twisted as his teaching methods are. She’s out the door when hecalls to her.

“Don’t thank me yet,” he says. “Not untilyou’ve fully experienced this.”

Nazirah knows he’s right. She willeventually have to face far worse memories than the one from today.And she won’t be thanking him then.

#

Later that night, Nazirah sits around acampfire with the other recruits. As the flames dance and flickerbefore her, she cannot stop replaying that memory in her head. TheIluxor is all the rest of her friends can talk about too.

“That was so insane today,” Taj says,picking up a stone thoughtfully and tossing it in his hand. “Inever realized how advanced the Medis are, if they can pull stufflike that! It was weird because I was looking at myself, eventhough it was my memory, and I was watching myself as a child playwith my father. We were skipping rocks along the River Syx. It’sthis really dungy river in the northern part of the Red West.” Hesighs. “And it was so uncomfortable because Morgen was there.”

Lumi agrees, nodding her head. “Yes, it wasunnerving! I watched myself and my sisters build a snow fort backhome when we were much younger. I can’t believe I ever looked soawkward! Remember those days, Ani?”

“Sure,” Aneira responds.

“What was your memory?” Nazirah asks.

At that, Aneira breaks out a rare grin. “Mymom,” she says simply, and leaves it at that. Nazirah smiles ather.

“Irri, what was your memory?” Cato asks.

“Remember the first time we ever cliff dovein Rafu?” she asks, knowing Cato remembers it well. “A few yearsago?”

Cato’s reaction isn’t what Nazirah expects.Instead of laughing about it, he looks upset and confused. He leansinto her, trying and failing to speak privately. “That was thememory you saw?”

“That’s what I just said!” Nazirah laughs,trying to put him at ease. “You all should have seen Cato’s face,”Nazirah tells their friends. “He was so scared!” She punches himgently in the shoulder. “Why?”

Cato is thoughtful. “It’s just,” he says,hesitating, “that was my memory too.”

“What are the chances the two of you wouldsee the same one?” asks Taj.

“Not good, I would imagine,” Lumireplies.

Nazirah thinks about how Adamek said totrust him, his playful look. It wasn’t a coincidence after all. “Idon’t understand,” Nazirah says slowly. “Why would Morgen show methe same memory you had?”

There is silence. Then, “Maybe he wanted tosee it again,” Aneira suggests.

Cato and Lumi visibly tense. Nazirah glaresat Aneira sharply. Now, of all times, the girl chooses to reallyspeak up? Nazirah recalls how Cato looked at her on those cliffs,how she felt at fifteen … free and uninhibited enough to strip downto her skivvies. Could it be true that Adamek wanted to replaythat?

“No, that’s not it Ani,” Nazirah snaps.

Aneira shrugs and resumes staring at thefire.

“Everyone’s started calling him Renatus, youknow,” Taj says, breaking the silence.

Nazirah scoffs. “Not everyone.”

She most certainly isn’t calling him that.But Taj is right. It started as a joke at first, around thecompound, but the name unfortunately stuck.

Renatus.

Reborn … just like their country.

Nazirah hates it. Adamek doesn’t respond tothe name, as far as Nazirah knows. But it disgusts her how quicklypeople forget the past. Adamek isn’t reformed just because he’sgiven them some helpful information. He will never be worthy ofabsolution.