“More than likely, there will not be any food left for you, but your children will be allowed to scavenge the trays of those passengers who did not finish their meals. Aside from that food service, you will be left alone and expected to keep the children quiet.

“And now, we ask that you please gather your precious creatures around you, and, when you hear the whistle, see to it that they move smartly and swiftly onto the plane, remaining quiet and avoiding any eye contact with grown-ups. Thank you for flying the friendly skies of Sensible Airlines.”

TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS NEVER HANG AROUND

I don’t often write about my own experiences; it’s not my style. But I had a recent incident in traffic that I’d like to tell you about. And before I begin, there are a couple of things you ought to know about me: I drive kind of recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never maintain my vehicles and I don’t believe in traffic laws. And so, because of these practices, I tend to have what a picky person would probably refer to as a lot of traffic accidents.

And wouldn’t you know, last week I ran over a sheep.

Or, possibly, I ran over a small man wearing a sheepskin coat. I’m not sure, really, because I didn’t stop. That’s another rule of mine: I never stop when I have a traffic accident. Do you? No. You can’t. Who has time? Not me.

If I hit something, or I run somebody over, I keep moving! Especially if

I’ve injured someone. I refuse to involve myself in other people’s injuries. I’m not a doctor, I’ve had no medical training; I’m just another guy, out, driving around looking for a little fun. And I can’t be stopping for everything.

Listen, folks. Let’s be logical about it. If you stop at the scene of the accident, all you do is add to the confusion. These people you ran over have enough troubles of their own without you stopping and making things worse. Think about itthey’ve just been involved in a major traffic accident! The last thing they need is for you to stop, get out of your car, go over to the wreckage and start bothering them with stupid questions: “Are you hurt?”

Well, of course they’re hurt. Look at all the blood! You just hit them with a ton and a half of steelof course they’re hurt. Leave these people alone. Haven’t you done enough? For once in your life do the decent thingdon’t get involved.

Look at it this way, it’s none of your business in the first place; the whole thing took place outside of your car. Legally speaking, these people were not even on your property at the time you ran them over. They were standing in the street; that’s city property. You are not responsible! If they don’t like it, let em sue the mayor.

And besides, the whole thing is over now; it happened back there, behind you! For God’s sake, stop living in the past. Do yourself a favor, count your blessings, be glad it wasn’t you. As it is, there’s probably a substantial dent in your fender. So be satisfied, my friend, you got off easy.

And I’ll give you a truly practical reason not to stop. If you do stop, sooner or later the police are going to show up. Is that what you want? To waste even more of your time, standing around with a bunch of worthless civil servants, filling out forms, answering a lot of foolish questions . . . lying to the authorities?

And one more thing: Didn’t anyone else see this accident? Are you the only one who can provide information? Surely the people you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment. So, let them tell the police what happened. They certainly had a better view of it than you did.

There’s just no sense in having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumb-ass traffic accident. Things are bad enough: People are dead, families have been destroyed, it’s time to get moving! Chances are you’re late for dinner as it is.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

Now, folks. There are two sides to this. Helping people by leaving them alone when they’re injured is one thing, that’s my altruistic side; people need to be self-reliant, and I want to do what I can to foster that. But it’s often hard for me to drive away from a nice fiery accident scene, because I have a self-indulgent side, and that needs to be honored too.

And so, on the other hand, if I’m out driving, enjoying a lovely day, and I see a traffic accidentone I’m not involved inI stop immediately! I wanna get a good look at what’s going’ on. I enjoy that sort of thing. If people are injured, I wanna take a look! I am Curious George.

Of course, the police don’t like that. They say you’re rubbernecking and blockin’ traffic. I tell em, “Never mind that rubberneckin’ shit, I wanna take a look!” My philosophy: I’m never too busy that I can’t stop to enjoy someone else’s suffering. I’m looking for a little entertainment. To me, traffic accidents are one more form of entertainment.

You want to hear my dream accident? Two buses and a chicken truck get-tin’ hit by a circus train in front of a flea market. Entertainment! I’m lookin’ for an antique lamp stickin’ out of a clown’s ass. If I’m gonna take the time to stop, I expect a couple of fuckin’ laughs.

And if the traffic situation is such that I can’t quite see what’s going on can’t get a good enough lookI’m not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car.

“Pardon me, Officer. Would you fellows mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugarlips! Those are his testicles hanging from the rearview mirror. Thank you, Officer, that will be all now, you can throw him back on the pile. We’ll be moving along.”

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

A CRY FOR HELP

Dear Friend:

Your name has been provided to us, because we have discovered that, in spite of America his recent economic problems, you may still have a few dollars tucked away that you are saving for a future financial emergency. Well, that emergency is here. We ‘re hoping you will be sympathetic to our effort and express it with your generosity.

Stated quite simply, we’re raising money to help the rich and powerful. These hard-driving people continue to require large amounts of money, and most of them are far too busy to attend to this sort of direct appeal for themselves. We are here to help.

The rich and powerful need your financial support in order to increase their wealth and power, so they can exercise even greater influence over na-

tional events, and, of course, over your lives. Remember, these people are small in number and, therefore, inadequately represented in our system of proportional government. They consequently lack influence and suffer the fate of many minorities, i.e., being ignored by the very government they have helped elect. It is for these reasons they have decided to band together to better present their ideas and especially to expand their influence with elected officials. But first they need your help. They need money.

In the first stage, your money is needed for basics: stationery, office supplies, postage, phones and rent (first month, last month, security deposit). The rich and powerful need to set up a headquarters so they can start really raising money in order to live properly. But once they reach that level that doesn ‘t mean your job is done. Not at all.

In fact, once things are running smoothly there’ll be a continuing and even greater need for more and more of your money in order to provide all of the expensive clothing, imported cars, fine jewelry, gourmet foods and exotic pets that these people require. That’s when your dollars will really count, helping provide the lifestyle to which the rich and powerful are not only accustomed but entitled.