In addition to these considerable personal expenses, there will, of course, be a need for large amounts of money to persuade and influence the many politicians and government officials who, after all, have financial obligations of their own. Most of these dedicated public servants are underpaid and must find ways of supplementing their income without taking time off from work. Your money, fwineled through the rich and powerful, can go a long way toward solving their financial problems. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have helped advance the selfless agenda the rich and powerful have laid out in their effort to improve our country.

Can we count on you? Will you help? Will you give yourself the opportunity to say you helped the rich and powerful when they really needed it? Do it now. Do it for yourself and for your children. Sit down and write out a check for a substantial amount, maybe even more than you can afford. Make it payable to The Fund for the Rich and Powerful. You’ll take satisfaction knowing you have done your part. And you ‘II be secure in the knowledge that whenever you have a problem, the rich and powerful will always be there to help.

Sincerely,

Esterbrook Winslow Somewhere Offshore

P.S. Your canceled check is your receipt.

BOB CALLING

Bob dials a number. DON: Hello?

BOB: Hi, is this Don? DON: Yes.

BOB: Hi, Don, this is Bob. DON: Oh. Hi, Bob.

BOB: Hi. Well, I guess I’ll let you go now. Bye. DON: Okay. Bye. Bob dials again. CARL: Hello? BOB: Hi, is this Carl? CARL: Yes. BOB: This is Bob. CARL: Oh. Hi, Bob.

BOB: Hi. Well, you’re probably a busy guy. I’ll let you go. Bye. CARL: Bye. Bob dials again. TOM: Hello? BOB: Hello, Tom? TOM: Yes. Who’s this?

BOB: Bob.

TOM: Hi, Bob. What’s going’ on? BOB: Not much, how about you? TOM: Same old same old.

BOB: Great. Well, I gotta go. I’ve got a bunch of calls to make. TOM: Okay. Bye.

Bob opens his phone book and makes a list of more people he wants to bond with. His phone rings.

BOB: Hello?

VOICE: Hi, is this Bob?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Yes.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

VOICE: This is Steve.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Oh, hi, Steve. How are you?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

STEVE: Well, that’s the reason I’m calling.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Oh?

STEVE: Yes. I’m doing fine. So I thought I’d let you know that and maybe save you a call.

BOB: Well, that’s mighty thoughtful of you. Thanks. STEVE: That’s okay. Well, that’s it. I guess we’ll talk tomorrow. BOB: You got a deal. Bye. STEVE: Bye.

Bob scratches Steve’s name from his list of calls and reaches for the receiver. So much still to do.

Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don’t forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you’re not white.

I’m not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school every day.

I’d like to point out that during the twentieth century, white, Godfearing, predominately Christian Europe produced Lenin, Stalin, Franco, Hitler and Mussolini.

Next time you’re in an elevator, blow your nose real loud into your bare hands and then ask if anyone has a Kleenex. Or blow your nose into a Kleenex, open it up and stare at the stuff and say, “Wow! Look at this. It’s all green and yellow.” Then show it to the other people. I guarantee you won’t pass many floors before you have the elevator all to yourself.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all kinds of social obligations simply by saying you’re too tired.

You know who you have to admire? A Catholic hit man who blesses himself just before he strangles someone.

I’ve noticed that a Jew will sometimes use a little paper clip to hold on his yarmulke. Shouldn’t that be God’s responsibility? I mean, you did your part, you put the thing on. Shouldn’t it be God’s job to keep it there? Or why don’t Jews just wear larger yarmulkes that grip the head better? Maybe with an elastic strap that could go under the chin. By the way, I know a hip-hop Jew who wears his yarmulke backward. It’s hard to detect, but I think it looks great.

Suppose you tried to fuck a woman who had ten personalities, and nine of them said okay, but one of them resisted and tried to fight you off. Would that still be a rape?

“Where do we go from here?” “Who says we’re here?”

Because of mad cow disease, they’re now going to leave certain cow parts out of hamburger meat, including the skull. Well, I don’t know about you folks, but I can’t imagine enjoying a hamburger that doesn’t have at least a hint of cow skull in it.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

Here’s a safety tip from the Fire Department: Kitchen-grease fires can be quickly and safely extinguished by dousing them with a mixture of benzine and lighter fluid. Apply quickly and stand clear.

TRUE FACT: More children in the United States are molested each year than wear braces.

I’d like to know the suicide rate among people who call in to radio psychologists and actually follow the advice they get.

I have no regrets in life. Although I am kind of sorry I never got to beat a man to death while wearing a tuxedo.

There’s a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type in a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, “Fuck you, I don’t do that.”

When people use the phrase call it quits, why do they use the plural? It would make more sense to say, “I’m going to call it quit.”

I recently witnessed something I’ll never forget: an eclipse of the earth. But because it was an eclipse of the earth, there was no place to look. So I looked at the earth. And as I did, the earth got very dark. But the period of darkness was brief because of how close we are to the earth. Remem-

her, kids, never look directly at an eclipse, always get someone else to tell you about it.

The National Rifle Association reminds its members: Never fire a gun at your own body. Unless you’re trying to seriously injure yourself.

As a part of those displays that honor rock stars in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I think they should show the amount of money each artist spent on drugs, year by year. Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to list which drugs the artists were taking while recording particular songs and albums. Just so wed all know.

TRUE FACT: In 1733, the Russian army had a treatment for soldiers who suffered severe homesickness. At the first sign of the condition, they buried the soldier alive. That’s good. I like people who go right to the heart of a problem.

Do you have any perfectly good possessions you don’t need? Send them to 111 Will Industries, where our completely healthy and able-bodied employees earn money by breaking things and rendering them useless. Call 111 Will. Help those who are already doing fine.

I’m in favor of anything that destabilizes the republic.

Regarding the Menendez brothers, my opinion is that you can rarely get two kids to agree to kill their parents unless the parents really deserve it.

TRUE FACT: Purina now has a cat food made especially for cats who live indoors. “Indoor cat food for indoor cats.” Meanwhile, I’m sure you’re aware that some human beings have no food at all.