Similarly, greenhouse effect will never do. A greenhouse is full of plants and flowers, full of life and growth. Green equals life, house equals shelter. The

greenhouse effect sounds like something that gives you life and shelter and growth. You re never gonna turn something like that into a villain.

And the environmentalists have another language problem, this one concerning nuclear energy: meltdowns. They like to warn us about meltdowns. But a meltdown sounds like fun, doesn’t it? It sounds like some kind of cheese sandwich. “Would you like some fries with that meltdown?”

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

EUPHEMISMS: POLITICAL-INTEREST GROUPS A Few Afterthoughts

Here is more of the distorted language of political persuasion:

Conservatives oppose gun control. Liberals know control is a negative word, so they call it gun safety. That’s about what you’d expect, but it’s hard to find words to describe the following distortion: some of the pro-gun people are referring to gun control as victim disarmament. Isn’t that stunning? Victim disarmament! It takes your breath away. Like a gun.

Liberals call it affirmative action-, conservatives are less positive. They re fer to government-mandated quotas, racial preferences and unfair set-asides.

Rich Republicans want to keep their money in the family, and so the Re publican party began to call the inheritance tax (a pro-tax term) the estate tax (a neutral term), which they later changed to the death tax (an anti-tax term).

When liberals talk about spending, they call it investing or funding. Funding means spending money. uWe need to do more to fund education.” On the other side of the ledger, when Republicans need to raise taxes, they call it revenue enhancement.

The energy criminals now refer to oil drilling as oil exploration. Instead of Mobil and Exxon, they’d rather you picture Lewis and Clark.

When the original Enron story was developing, Bush’s people referred to the crimes as violations. They said a review might be necessary, but not an investigation. So I guess if the other guys do it, it’s a crime that should be investigated, but if your guys do it, it’s a violation that should be reviewed.

Liberals call it global warming, conservatives call it climate change.

If you want the individual to sound shady and suspicious, you call him an Eye-racky. If you want to upgrade him a bit, he becomes an Iraqi-American. If you’re trying to clean him up completely, you call him an American citizen of Iraqi descent.

When people came to this country, primarily from Europe, they were called immigrants and refugees. As they began arriving from Latin America and the Caribbean, we started calling them aliens. Some of them are here illegally. Those in this country who sympathize with that group don’t call them illegal aliens, they refer to them as undocumented workers. Or guest workers. Sometimes they’re identified by the purely descriptive term the newly arrived.

Most-favored-nation trade status was considered too positive a term for China, so it was decided instead to call it normal trade relations. Aside from the language, there is no difference between the two policies.

The Nazis referred to the extermination of the Jews as special action. In their version, the Jews were not killed, they were resettled, evacuated or transferred. The dead were referred to as the no longer relevant.

In Palestine, Arabs refer to the areas Jews have taken over as occupied ter ritories. Jews call them disputed areas. The Israelis call their assassinations of Palestinian leaders focused thwartings, pinpoint elimination and preven tive measures.

At one time in Iraq Hussein called the hostages he was holding his guests.

Countries we used to call rogue nations are now referred to as nations of concern, so we can talk with them without insulting them outright. But as a result of bad behavior, North Korea has been downgraded from a state of concern to a rogue state. Likewise, failed nations are now called messy states. Underdeveloped countries have also been upgraded. They’re now developing nations.

And finally . . .

During the election that defeated Manuel Noriega in Panama, there were groups of thugs that wandered around beating and killing people and looting stores. They called themselves dignity battalions.

HOW GOES IT?

If you enjoyed my earlier description of my new system for wishing people a nice day, perhaps you’ll be interested in the following, equally innovative method I employ in similar situations. The difference is that this attempt to relieve the tedium of short exchanges involves the replies I give, as opposed to the good wishes I offer.

As an example, when someone asks me how I am, I try to make my answer as specific as possible. I’m not the type to toss off a casual, “I’m fine.’ I take care to express my exact condition. And thanks to my creative flair, I can choose from a number of options:

If I’m in a self-protective mood, a simple “guardedly well” often does the job. I find also “tentatively keen’ doesn’t give too much away. Of course, if there is the least bit of doubt, I simply rely on my old standby, the ever-cautious, “I’m fairly well, comparatively speaking.’ That works nicely, especially if I feel I genuinely have something to hide.

If I wish to be a little more open, “I’m semi-dandy, thank you for inquiring ” is effective, and has the added advantage of acknowledging the other person’s contribution to the exchange.

By the way, should it be one of today’s trendy kids, I’m quick to drop a hip and with-it “moderately neato,” in order to show that I’m really a cool guy and not just some old fuddy-duddy. Once again, with “moderately neato’ I reveal only a limited bit of information.

TAKE THAT!

But sometimes I’m having one of my really great days, and I’m in a jaunty and expansive mood. In these situations I tend to throw caution to the wind and express my full feelings. Innocently enough, the person will inquire, “How are you?” And he has no idea what’s coming. So I give him both barrels.

I lean forward, look him squarely in the eye, and hit him with a quick and cheery lTm good, well, fine, keen, dandy, swell and excellent! And, might I add, fabuloso!” Believe me, I’ve bowled over more than one unsuspecting inquirer with this sudden volley of positive energy.

WEEKEND WISHES

Just so you know, I’m prepared for other situations as well. If someone says, “Have a nice weekend,” I never say, “You too.” Because I never know if, perhaps, by the time the weekend rolls around, I will have other plans for that person. Come Friday, I may wish to have them slain.

YULETIDE

Also, I never say, “A merry Christmas to you and yours.” I don’t like the possibilities suggested by that use of the possessive pronoun yours. One never knows when the other person may be a slave owner. I certainly wouldn’t want to encourage that sort of behavior.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

One last thing: My stingingly clever remarks sometimes extend to retail encounters. When the supermarket checkout person asks, “Paper or plastic?” I often say, “Woven silk,” just to keep him on his toe.s. “Rolled steel” is not a bad answer either.

I’m happy to pass along to you these methods of mine for making the world a better place. I hope you use them wisely, and, may I be so bold as to say, “Have an excellent immediate future.’

TOO MANY THANKYOUS HOSTS & GUESTS

I find it bothersome that on radio and TV interview shows, once the host says, “Thank you for being here,” the guest always thinks he has to say* “Thank you for having me.” It’s not necessary. All that’s needed is a simple “You’re welcome” or “Nice to be here.” “Having people on” is what they do on interview shows; they’re looking for guests all the time. There’s no need to thank them.