The same is true of radio call-in shows. The people who call in say, “Thank you for taking my call.” Why do they bother? Think about it. Taking calls is what these shows do. They’re call-in shows; they take calls. That’s their function. Why thank them for doing what they can’t avoid? It bothers me that people even think they need to say these things. It’s all very insincere.

TELEPHONE OPERATORS

And on the subject of insincerity, let’s not forget the nonsense that telephone operators are ordered to say by their corporate-drone bosses. Keeping in mind, of course, that telephone operators are not operators anymore, they’re attendants. Telephone attendants. Or telephone representatives. I’ve also heard them called communications facilitators, and customer care professionals.

Anyway, these operators used to say, “Who did you want to speak with?” Now it’s, “How may I direct your call?” I don’t like that. It sounds artificial. And it has a ring of self-importance. “How may I direct your call?” Jesus, everyone wants to direct; it’s not just actors anymore. And when you tell them who you’re trying to reach, they say, “Thank you, it’s a pleasure to forward your call.” Sounds polite, doesn’t it? Its not. It’s insincere.

TOO MANY TELEPHONE THANKYOUS

And on the subject of telephone operators, another complaint I have about these people takes me back to my original pointthe unnecessary overuse of thank you. These days, I think there are far too many thank-yous being thrown around on the telephone. “Thank you for this,” “Thank you for that,” “Thank you for something else.” I find myself being thanked for everything I do, and then some.

I recently called a friend who was staying at the Marriott. He was staying at the Marriott. I called him thereat the Marriott. I intentionally dialed the number of the Marriott, because that’s where I expected him to be. The connection went through. Guess what the operator said? Right. “Thank you for calling the Marriott.” Well, what did she think I was going to do? Call the Hyatt? He was staying at the Marriott. It wouldn’t do me much good to call the Hyatt. We all know what they would have said: “Thank you for calling the Hyatt.”

They even thank you for doing things you cant avoid. Did you ever have an operator say. “Thank you for calling the operator?” I’ve had that happen. Well, who did she think I was gonna call, the night watchman? The chairman of the board? Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s annoying.

One time, at a hotel, I wanted to get my car. Naturally, I needed to call valet parking. I noticed the little plastic card next to my telephone. It said “Press nine for valet parking.” I was about to press nine, but then I noticed I didn’t have to press nine, because right there on the phone one of the speed-dial buttons had a little picture of a car next to it, and it said “Valet parking.’ So I pushed that button. The one that said “Valet parking.” The one with the picture of the car. Someone answered. You know what he said? Right. “Thank you for calling valet parking.”

Well, fuck! Didn’t he know that if a guest wants to retrieve his car, he more or less has to call valet parking? That’s where the cars are! And doesn’t he know the designers of hotel telephones have gone to a great deal of trouble to make it easy for people to get their cars? I had simply taken advantage of their skills; I had called valet parking by pressing a single button. A button marked with a little picture of a car.

And I can assure you, folks, if I had thought for even a split second that valet parking didn’t have my carfor instance, if I’d thought the bartender had itI would have called the cocktail lounge. I would have pressed the little button with the picture of the martini next to it. Which would, of course, have given the bartender a chance to say, “Thank you for calling the cocktail lounge.”

One further complaint: These days, if I call a hotel from the outside, the telephone operators waste an awful lot of my time: “Hello. Thank you for calling the Lincoln Plaza Hotel-Resort and Conference Center, my name is Ta-neesha, have a nice day, and how may I direct your call?” And 1 say, “I’ll have to get back to you. I forgot why I called.” Sometimes, just to scare the operator, I’ll sob, “It’s too late. He just died.”

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s too much. Occasionally, a recording will thank me. “Thank you for using AT&T.” How can this be? Isn’t gratitude a personal feeling? Recording devices don’t have personal feelings, do they? No. But I do. And I feel this showy, hyper-politeness must be stopped. Thank you for reading this far.

FURTHER THOUGHTS ON EXPLODING HEADS

Wouldn’t it be interesting if the only way you could die was that suddenly your head blew up? If there were no other causes of death? Everyone died the same way? Sooner or later, without warning, your head simply exploded? You know what I think? I think people would get used to it. I believe people can learn to take anything in stride if they think it’s unavoidable.

Picture a bunch of guys singhV “Happy Birthday”:

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear Charlie . ..” BOOM!! And Charlie’s head blows up. But all the candles go out, so it’s actually a form of good luck. And everyone applauds.

Of course, there’d be an occasional downside. “God, another head? That’s two this week. I just had this suit cleaned.” But we’d learn to deal with it.

Let’s say you were sitting in a restaurant with your girlfriend, and the waiter was reciting the specials:

“Tonight we have the marinated bat nipples on a bed of lightly sauteed panda assholes . . .” BOOM!! The waiter’s head explodes. I’ll bet you wouldn’t miss a beat.

“Honey, did he say bat nipples or cat nipples? We’d better get another waiter. And some fresh salsa. I’m not eating this stuff; he was holding it when he blew. So anyway, I’m allergic to bat nipples. I think I might go with the free-range penguin dick or the deep-dish moose balls. How about you? Wait, hold still. There’s a little piece of eyebrow on your cheek. There, I got it. By the way, honey, what wine goes with brain?”

JUST A STONE’S THROW

When I watch news tapes of the Intifada from Palestine, and see the Arab kids throwing stones at Israeli tanks, I always have fun watching for the kids who are lefthanded, because lefthanders have kind of a natural curveball. It’s really interesting. I cant wait till major league baseball comes to the Middle East. Incidentally, I also noticed that Arab kids usually throw in a high arc, whereas the Catholic kids in Northern Ireland throw more of a line drive. Either way is all right with me as long as they’re accurate. Kids are great.

Bud’s Medical Center: C’mon In!

“Hi. I’m Bud, president and head doctor of Buds Medical Center. Come on in to Bud’s. This weekend were havin’ a special on head injuries: any sort of head injury you got, from a black eye to a completely caved-in skull, just a dollar fifty this weekend at Bud’s. Well also give a free estimate to anyone who’s bleedin’. So if you’re sick, injured, diseased, hurt, maimed, disfigured or just plain don’t feel good, come on in to Bud’s Medical Center. Bud’s: Where all the sick people go.’

BURIED ALIVE AT 65

Wouldn’t it be weird if they just buried you alive when you got to be sixty-five? If that was the deal for everyone? Right after your sixty-fifth birthday party they came and got you and dumped you in a big pit with a bunch of other people your age, threw in all your birthday presents and buried you all alive?

Wouldn’t that be weird? Jesus, I’m glad they don’t do that. That would be weird.

But sooner or later we’ll have to do something like that; we’ll have to. We can’t take care of old people as it is, and there are going to be millions more of them. Good, early medical care is a mixed blessing; it leads to too many old people. What are you going to do with them? No one wants to take care of them. Their children put them in homes. Even the people whose job it is to take care of them in the homes don’t give a shit; they abuse them. No one cares. It’s my belief that, sooner or later, we’re going to have to start killing old people before they become a burden. One good thing, though: We’ll save a lot of money on Social Security and maybe the country won’t go broke.