When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Can the public help?

KING’S MAN: We’re asking people who may have information to call our tip-line, 800-429-EGGS. All calls will be held in strict confidence.

WONG: Thank you for talking with us, Officer Dooley. Well, that’s it from the scene, Keith. Humpty Dumpty dead, at the bottom of a wall. Now let’s send it over to Marcia Lopez at the Dumpty family residence. Marcia?

LOPEZ: Thank you, Joanie. I’m standing here with Humpty’s best friend, Vinny Omeletta. Vinny, what kind of an egg was he?

OMELETTA: Easygoing. Nice guy. One time, when some kids were teasing him about being’ fat, he bought ‘em all an ice cream.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What do you think happened?

OMELETTA: I don’t know. I saw him just yesterday, he was fine. I told him to stay off that wall. It’s not safe, some of those bricks are loose. But he was headstrong; he never listened.

LOPEZ: Thank you, Vinny. We’re going to talk now with his widow, Arlene Dumpty. Mrs. Dumpty, thanks for taking a moment with us. This must be a very difficult time for you.

MRS. DUMPTY: Yes. I’m still in shock. My thoughts are all scrambled. LOPEZ: How did you feel when you found out he was dead? MRS. DUMPTY: It was no fun, I can tell you that. He was a good egg. LOPEZ: What do you suppose he was doing on the wall?

MRS. DUMPTY: He went up there all the time. He would just sit there and think. He was very deep. For an egg.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What are your plans for services? Will there be...

MRS. DUMPTY: Well, he was very conservative, so we’ll probably stick with a traditional egg funeral.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What is that?

MRS. DUMPTY: You know, skillet, a little butter, salt and pepper. Maybe some peppers and onions.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: Will you have an open casket?

MRS. DUMPTY: I’m not sure. A lot of him has already soaked into the ground. But we’ll Krazy Glue the shell together as best we can, and go from there.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: How can people express their condolences?

MRS. DUMPTY: We’re asking people just to send bacon. Or ham, if they like. And maybe some home fries, but not too greasy. Or they can just make a contribution to the Humpty Dumpty Foundation for Research on Safer Egg Salad.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: Thank you so much, Mrs. Dumpty.

MRS. DUMPTY: No sweat, my pleasure. I’m sure he’s smiling down on us from wherever it is eggs go. Although he was an egg-nogstic. Ha ha, he would’ve liked that.

LOPEZ: Well, that’s it. Humpty Dumpty is dead and no one knows why. A story we’ll undoubtedly hear more about. From the scene, this is Marcia Lopeznow back to our studio.

GOODNIGHT, TIMMY

Here’s a good way to provide some entertainment for your four-year-old when you tuck him in at night, and at the same time, stimulate his imagination.

“I came up to say goodnight and tuck you in, Timmy. You had a big day, so make sure you get a good night’s sleep. And don’t forget to watch out for the Boogie Man, Remember what Daddy and I told you about the Boogie Man? How he kills little boys? What do you think, Timmy? Is the Boogie Man here in your room, hiding somewhere? Is he in the closet? Is he going to jump out and kill you when I leave the room? He might; you never know.

“Maybe he’s under the bed. He likes to hide there, too. He might claw his way through the mattress and kill you. Don’t let him kill you, Timmy. You know what he does? He sticks a sharp metal tube up your nose and sucks the fluid out of your brain. It really hurts a lot.

“I’m going to turn out the light now and leave you alone in the dark. All by yourself. And I don’t want to hear a peep out of you. If I hear any noise coming out of this room, I’m going to come up here and beat you. Try to get a good night’s sleep. By the way, Daddy saw a monster walking up and down the hall last night. The monster had a piece of paper in his hand with your name on it. Night-night.”

Here’s a surefire way to stimulate the economy and increase productivity at the same time: From now on, when someone asks what time it is, it costs a dollar; that would stimulate the economy. Then, if they don’t want to pay, they have to go find out for themselves; that would increase productivity. Some of my ideas may not be perfect, but they’re always worth considering.

The best thing about visiting a hospital is that you see a lot of people who are much sicker than you, and it kind of makes you feel good.

TRUE FACT: I read that there’s a rich couple in the Hamptons on Long Island who have palm trees on their property, and in the winter they fly the trees to Palm Beach to get them out of the cold weather. I cant help wondering how they treat their servants.

You know how sometimes you have a song going through your head over and over all day long, maybe even two or three days? And it’s driving you crazy because you can’t get it out of your mind? Well, I know how to fix that. Its extreme, but it works every time. You kill yourself.

They’re always talking about what separates the men from the boys. Well, I’m gonna tell you what separates the men from the boys. The sodomy laws.

Regarding a wild-goose chase, why are these wild geese supposed to be so hard to find? They’re right up there in the sky. I see them flying over in

big flocks all the time in the spring and fall. They don’t seem to be hiding. So why do we make such a big deal out of this?

Live every day as if it’s your last and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.

I hope I meet Senator Dole someday. I plan to grab his bad right arm and shake it like crazy. By the way, I’m glad he didn’t get to be President. I prefer a guy who can push the nuclear button with either hand.

The feminists have this thing, “Take Our Daughters to Work Day.’ Why don’t the men have “Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night”?

At the beginning of the Iraq war I saw a red, white and blue bumper sticker that said UNITED WE STAND. What is that supposed to mean? During the Revolutionary War it referred to the American colonies. What does it mean now? That we should all think alike and there should be no dissenting opinions? As far as I’m concerned, United Were Fucked.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.

TRUE FACT: A headline said “Peacekeeper killed in safe haven.” Good. That’ll show him.

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion.

I wonder if a person who comes out of a coma feels refreshed and well rested.

One day it dawned on me that Hitler had a mom and dad. The phrase “Hitler’s mom and dad” has an odd ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s kind of like when CNN used to talk about the city of Tikrit in Iraq being “Saddam Hussein’s hometown.” The two ideas don’t seem to go together.

You know what’s good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don’t have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

I drove past a school with a sign that said we’re DRUG-FREE AND GUNFREE. Later that day I drove past another school that didn’t have a sign like that. What am I supposed to infer from this about the second school?