REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE: Nothing works, nothing counts, nothing fits, no one cares, no one listens, standards have fallen, everyone’s fatter, lines are longer, traffic’s worse, kids are dumber and the air is

dirty. Til be back later with more reasons for giving up hope. In the meantime, try to come up with a few of your own.

Here’s a thought: If you have a perfectly DNA-matched identical twin, technically, it’s possible to go fuck yourself.

Sometimes you hear people say, “What kind of message does that send to our children?” And I think, What messages are these people talking about? When I was a kid, I never got any messages. Maybe an aunt would send me a birthday card or something; or once in a while my mother would get a Western Union telegram. But at our house, that was about it.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.

In New York Stare, there’s a town called Eastchester. It’s in a county called Westchester.

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.

TRUE FACT: In 2002, in the US. Supreme Court, the surviving heirs of the famous film comedy trio were awarded “the intellectual rights to the Three Stooges.’

I don’t know about you, but years ago, when Evel Knievel was jumping across the Snake River, I was rooting for the river.

In the news from Israel, I keep hearing about the “cycle of violence.” It reminded me that when I was a kid I had one of them, too. After school, I used to pedal it around the neighborhood, hitting other kids over the head with a big steel pipe.

They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?

I always feel good when I visit a sickroom supply store and see all the things I don’t need.

The last thing a young girl needs is a hands-on father. I feel really good. I wish I felt even more like this.

Dear Mom,

How are you? I am fine. I tried to donate my liver to science but they wouldn ‘t take it. Next time I’m going to add some sauteed onions and a light sauce. I’ll let you know how it goes. Love, Neil

There’s nothing wrong with a man who enjoys a good blow job. Anonymous

I read an article that cautioned people against shaken-baby syndrome. Do people really need to be told this sort of thing? And if some people do need to be told, are these the kind of people who are very likely to heed the advice? Personally, I never shake a baby. Unless the recipe calls for it.

Imagine how creepy it would be to be sexually abused by your great-great-grandparents.

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back.

TRUE FACT: A guy somewhere in the Midwest was sued for having too many Christmas lights on his house. Happy holidays.

I think Western Union should have a service where women with big tits come to your house and sing “Happy Birthday.” They could call it a mammogram.

Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.

A lot of the people who worry about the safety of nuclear plants don’t bother using their seat belts.

HERE’S SOME FUN: Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, “Get off the line.”

This is National Disabled Month. Do your part. Cripple someone today.

Two soldiers get into a fight. Two other soldiers pull them apart and tell them not to fight. Then they all pick up their guns and go kill people.

“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” “The chicken.” “What about the egg?” “Okay, the egg.”

Using technology to clean up the mess made by technology doesn’t seem too intelligent.

At one time, if you had had a telephone in a restaurant it would have been a novelty and attracted more attention than the food. Now if you have a telephone in a restaurant it’s considered a nuisance.

Why don’t they just let these gay Boy Scouts join the Girl Scouts? What the fuck, you’ve got two groups. Use them both.

There’s a whole different now now.

When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits

or vegetables with you. And then they just believe whatever you tell them. What’s the point of that? You know what I do? On every trip I put a yam in the glove compartment, just to be sure I’m breaking the law.

We ought to have a name for the day before yesterday. Dayfbreday? Yesterforday? Why don’t you people just come up with something and get back to me.

I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt. A good motto to live by: “Always try not to get killed.”

If Marilyn Monroe were alive today she would be seventy-five, and I’ll bet there would still be guys lining up for a chance to fuck her.

Why not join the army? Join up and die. How do you expect to keep America free if you won’t die? I’m dead; I died in Vietnam. I’m dead, and all my old army buddies are dead. Can you say that? No. What’s wrong with you?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

EUPHEMISMS: It’s Gettin’ Old

Perhaps you’ve noticed, we no longer have old people in this country; they’re all gone, replaced by senior citizens. Somehow we wound up with millions of these unfortunate creatures known as golden-agers and mature adults. These are cold, lifeless, antiseptic terms. Typically American. All ways of sidestepping the fear of aging.

And it’s not difficult to understand the fear of aging. It’s natural. And it’s universal; no one wants to get old. No one wants to die. But we do. We die. And we don’t like that, so we shade the truth. I started doing it when I reached my forties. I’d look in the mirror at that time and think, “Well, I guess I’m getting . . . older!” That sounded a little better than old. It sounded like it might even last a bit longer.

But people forget that older is comparative, and they use it as an absolute: “She’s an older woman.”

“Oh, really? Older than what? Than she used to be? Well, yeah, so?”

People think getting old is bad, because they think being old is bad. But you know something? Being old is just fine; in fact, it can be terrific. And anyway, it’s one of those things you don’t get to choose. It’s not optional.

But that insufferable group among us known as baby boomers (ages forty-two through fifty-nine, as of 2005) are beginning to get old, and they’re having trouble dealing with that. Remember, these baby boomers axe the ones who gave us this soft, politically correct language in the first place.

So rather than admit they’re getting old, the baby boomers have come up with a new term to describe themselves as they approach the grave. They don’t care for middle-aged, so insteadget this, folksinstead, they claim to bepre-elderly. Don’t you love that? Pre-elderly. It’s a real word. You don’t hear it a lot,

but it’s out there. The boomers claim that if you’re between fifty and sixty-five, you’re pre-elderly.

But I’d be willing to bet that in 2011, when they begin turning sixty-five, they will not be calling themselves elderly. I have a hunch they’ll come up with some new way of avoiding reality, and I have a suggestion for them. They should call themselves the pre-dead. It’s a perfect term, because, for them, it’s accurate and it’s highly descriptive.