She shook her head. “That’s just junk miles, Blixen. A waste of your time and your energy. You’ll ruin your pace, you’ll wear down your strength. If you’re going to run, run with purpose, at full health.”

“Junk miles?” I mulled the word over as I watched Coach pace back to the track and listened to the swish of her track suit. That’s exactly what I felt like I was doing, and not just on the track. I was just logging in slow, useless miles, not sure where I was going or why I was even running.

I watched Saxon tear across the field, his feet so quick and sure, and my stomach heaved again. What was I doing? He was a good person. And I was using him. My clammy hands shook, and I wished as hard as I could for the irritating shriek of the bell that would end this period. I wished for the end of this miserable day. I wished for a solution, a trip back in time, a way to make the right decision without ruining everything for everyone I cared about.

I stared at the food during lunch. No matter what I looked at in the cafeteria, it made my stomach churn like a washing machine. Saxon kept adding things to my tray with determination, but I lifted them back off and shook my head.

“You look like you’re about to pass out. Let me take you to the nurse.” He slid his hand under my hair and around the back of my neck, and his fingers kneaded the space between my neck and shoulder.

“I have a big project due in graphic design, and I can’t get the shadowing right on this new program. I have to go in.” I swallowed hard and picked up a banana and a carton of milk.

Saxon chewed on the side of his lip. “You doin’ this project with Jake?” He worked way too hard at keeping the words even.

I paid for my lunch and kept a good yard in front of him. “No, not with Jake. Not that it should make a difference to you.” I collapsed into the orange plastic chair and attempted to choke down some food. The milk was watery and lukewarm, and the urge to vomit took over again. The banana was soft and bruised, overly sweet and squishy. It was like the world was conspiring to keep me puking all day long.

“No difference to me?” He folded a spork in half and twisted its plastic neck violently. “What’s going on between you and me, exactly?”

I stood up and swayed like I was on a boat. “I gotta go.”

I hit a solid wall of Saxon. “Where?”

“Tech. I told you. I’ve got a project.” My empty stomach and crushing headache made my reflexes sluggish. I tried to duck and weave, but he was way quicker.

“You aren’t riding there.” It was an absolute command.

I had a foggy thought that Saxon should join the army. I had a second, clearer thought that he’d either become the youngest general ever or go completely AWOL.

I looked up into the swirled gold of his eyes and at the tight pinch of his mouth. I pressed one hand against his arm to turn him, and breathed easier when the current of air that wafted towards me didn’t smell so deliciously like Saxon. “I appreciate it. I do. But you don’t have any business telling me what I can and can’t do.”

“This isn’t a pissing contest, Blix. You look like shit. Seriously.” He glanced at the lunch monitors, busy with a head-on double-tray goulash collision. “Let’s go. I’ll drive you.”

I would have said no just to avoid the question he’d asked and I’d dodged, but I did feel kind of shaky, and my pathetic lunch hadn’t made up for all I’d chucked in gym. We walked silently to the lot, avoiding the office and the two hall monitors busy grading papers. The silence deepened in the car until it felt like we were avalanched in it.

He didn’t even look up when we pulled in at Tech. It was like his steering wheel suddenly held all the secrets of the universe and he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

“Pop the trunk?” As small as I tried to curl my voice, it was still deafening.

“I’m coming to pick you up. We’ve got a date, remember?” He felt around for his cigarette pack, then drummed his fingers hard on the dashboard.

I put my hand on his cheek. “Saxon?”

I couldn’t translate what I saw in his eyes.

“Yeah?”

“I’ll have to get ready, you know. Get dressed. Do my hair. We can’t just leave from school. And I want to double-check with my mom. I didn’t remind her about it, and I never mentioned Folly at all.”

He nodded, popped the trunk, and crooked his finger. I leaned into him and pressed his lips flat against mine, then pulled back. “I’m still gonna pick you up. Maybe we should just stay in tonight? Movies on the couch at your place? I’ll keep a foot of space between us at all times, scout’s honor. Or we could go back to my place, and I promise you’ll rest the whole time. Or at least you’ll be lying down the whole time.” He tried to deliver a crooked grin, but it just looked like a smile that had come unhinged.

“We’re going out. I’m dressing up. You can drive me home. I feel fine.” I ran my fingers through his thick hair and laid a quick kiss on the smooth patch of forehead I exposed.

“I’ll see you after school.” He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I slammed the door and walked my bike to the rack before he got the chance.

Once I was inside the low, dark halls of VoTech, I didn’t know what to do or where to go. There was still fifteen minutes until the end of lunch, and I didn’t think my stomach could take the smell of any more cafeteria food. My throat burned, so I headed for the water fountain, and once I drank enough for three camels, I hit the bathroom. I was about to leave the stall when a cluster of girls barged in, laughing and chatting. I felt like it would be way too much effort to face them, so I peeked out the crack in the stall door to wait them out.

And I saw Nikki.

She was holding her hand out to take an eyeliner from one of her friends, and she put even more on under her eyes.

“So, how are things going with Jake?” I recognized the voice of the girl with the biggest bag of makeup I’d ever seen as Krista, the girl I’d snapped at when she felt it necessary to share how wonderful Jake and Nikki’s being together was with me.

Nikki stopped ringing her eyes and put a hip half on the sink. “You know, just before New Year’s, I thought this was going to be amazing, you know? But he’s not like he was that summer we hooked up. I mean, he was so fun. Now he’s like all about work, and he’s so serious. You know he won’t even drink? Like not even one beer.”

“You know how they do that.” Krista fluffed her hair, which was really nicely dyed with lots of bright red highlights. “It’s like, one week they can drink anyone else under the table, and the next week, they’re all AA and telling everyone about the evils of drinking. But Jake could never hold his liquor, remember? Wasn’t he, like, totally drunk when you guys slept together that summer?”

“We were allreally drunk.” Nikki giggled and applied a perfect coat of lipstick. “And he doesn’t hang out with anyone in our old crew. We went to a field party, and he kept looking at his watch, like some old man. It wasn’t even on the right time. It was like, six hours off. And I was like, ‘Why don’t you just use your cellphone like a normal person?’ Weird.”

The watch! Jake was wearing the watch I gave him, and it was still set to Paris time. I felt dizzy again, but this time it was a dizzy so completely twined with hope and happiness, I didn’t care if I passed out on the grimy tan tiles of the bathroom floor!

Krista looked at Nikki in the mirror. “But he’s so hot. Like, amazingly hot.”

Nikki’s pretty green eyes sparkled, and she blushed a pink so gorgeous it would have been a bestseller if it was a blush color. “I know. I thought I had no chance when that new girl sank her claws into him. But they’re done. Like done. He gets so pissed if she even comes up.”

I bit my bottom lip and eased back from the crack in case they felt my eyes on them.