“C’mon, Blix.” Saxon wove his arm under my backpack and around my waist in the hall. “Zombies and sushi. They make sense together somehow, right?”

“Alright.” I tried not to sigh, because I’d done enough to upset him this week, even if I hadn’t meant it. Saxon had a worse reputation than he deserved, and it made me feel like a lowdown creep to put any blame on his shoulders. What Devon and Kelsie said may have been somewhat right, but it was a skewed picture. No one knew Saxon the way I did. No one knew how good and kind he could be like I did.

“It’s zombies.And sushi.” He squeezed me harder than was friendly. “The face your making kind of communicates root canal.”

I hip-checked him gently. “I’ve never even had a cavity, so there’s no way my face is saying root canal.”

“You’re a freak of nature.” He leaned in and kissed my neck, and it felt good and foreign at the same time.

“Hey guys,” Kelsie said, her voice falsely bright. She cleared her throat and tucked a piece of her dark, shiny bob behind her ear. “So, Folly is having a show. Kind of unexpected. They got space at The Grange, so they’re playing tonight, and we’re trying to get the word out.” She tugged a flyer out of her pin-covered leather satchel. “Think you can make it?” She studied the grimy dirt whirls on the linoleum while Saxon scanned the flyer.

“If we do raw fish, but nix brain-eating mutants, we’ll make it. Sound like a plan?” He ruffled my hair as I studied the neon green flyer. “I know the idea of any monster that eats brains hurts the brainiac deep inside you, so don’t act like this isn’t an awesome favor on my part.”

I managed a quaky smile and nodded my agreement, he kissed my forehead, saluted Kelsie, and headed back down the hall, whistling. It was the whistle that tore at my heart.

Kelsie gave me a long look, licked her lips, twisted her silver rings on her fingers, and finally asked, “Okay, what’s up? What is it, Bren? Don’t you dare even utter the word ‘nothing,’ because I’m not an idiot. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks. You’re even paler than normal, which I didn’t even think was humanly possible. Spill.”

I opened my mouth and shook my head. Nothing came out. She tugged on my wrist and pulled me through the doorway into the cluttered chaos of the craft room. She set my mangled project in front of me, and it all started to feel like a pattern; I would pour my heart out to Kelsie while I bungled through another art mess, and she would listen, nodding at all the right times, clicking her tongue with concern, and producing some artistic masterpiece while she did.

“I feel so completely confused.” I jabbed my finger on the bent corner of my new copper plate and winced. “I know that it’s all my fault, this whole thing with Jake and Saxon, but I can’t figure out how to fix it. The thing is, I’m really happy to be able to have Saxon around. He’s important to me. But I don’t think I can be his girlfriend. Something feels off, and I don’t know why. Because he’s not a jerk. I know you and Devon think he’s awful, but I swear he’s been really nice to me. So why aren’t I happy to just stay with him? Isn’t that what I wanted? Isn’t that why I kissed him in Paris and broke up with Jake?”

Kelsie wove her thread with quick, nimble fingers. “Are you asking me? Because I don’t have the answer to that one, Bren. All I know is that you’re smart. If you broke it off with Jake you must have had a reason. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. Right?”

I groaned and bent the wire tool I was using to make designs in the copper. My head felt soupy, foggy, totally unfocused. “I don’t deserve Jake. He’s with this girl Nikki now, and I think he’s, like, beenwith her.” I hadn’t told Kelsie about the condom wrapper picture or the many, many sessions of tonsil hockey I witnessed. Her eyes went so wide, it looked like her eyeballs might pop out and roll across the floor. I took a deep breath and was comforted by the mingling smells of chalk, paint, and clay. “Maybe what they have is real. I mean, he’s still with her. It’s never been like that before with him. I mean, other than with me. It was always one night stands. But they’re all over each other.”

Kelsie picked at an errant string in her project and pursed her lips. “What does Saxon have to say about the whole thing?”

I could feel my ears burn like they were on fire. “Saxon says that Jake still loves me and always will. He says he can tell I’m still thinking about him, even when we’re together.”

I focused on Kelsie’s hands, palms down on the crafts table, and it took me a minute to look up into her face. “Saxon said that?”

“Yes.” I felt humiliated and stupid and like every single decision I’d made in the last few weeks was so wrong, I should have been walking around like a social pariah. What had I done?

The soft slide of Kelsie’s fingers covered my knuckles as she pulled my hand into hers. “I’m sorry it’s all so fucked up right now, Bren. But I think you just need to be really honest with yourself and stop beating yourself up. You’re allowed to screw up. You’re allowed to make big, colossal mistakes. Trust me, Jake and Saxon kind of have to understand that, right? Aren’t they, like, the kings of screwing up? Big time?”

She was right. And she was so wrong. I didn’t want to make big, colossal mistakes, and I didn’t really feel like I should be allowed to. Because while I was thinking about what Iwanted and what Ineeded, I was leaving disaster in my wake. Jake and Saxon, two people I cared about more than almost anyone else, were getting hurt, and it was stupid, heartless, immature, and spineless of me. Every move I made, every path I chose seemed to cause more chaos, and I couldn’t wrack my brain and figure out what would make it all better, once and for all. I had never encountered a problem I couldn’t find the solution to before. And I’d never imagined I’d be the cause of so much hurt. It sucked, and I wanted to fix it. Scratch that; I neededto fix it.

That point got driven home when I saw Saxon, an easy, happy smile stretched on his face as he fell into step by my side, ready to walk me to gym. Running didn’t help me figure anything out either, no matter how hard or how mercilessly I pushed myself. My lungs sucked air in and gasped it out like a bellows, and I finally doubled over on the track, then staggered to a tuft of grass where I threw up.

Coach Dunn jogged over and thumped me on the back. Saxon came flying down from the soccer field and ignored his coach’s yells and Coach Dunn’s reassurance that she had it all under control.

“Overdo it, Blixen?” she barked.

I spit and grimaced at the sour taste in my mouth. Saxon yanked a container of orange TicTacs out of his pocket and shook a few into his hand. He held them up to my lips, and I ate them awkwardly, trying not to lick his smoky-smelling palm.

“Thanks,” I groaned.

“Maclean, it’s all good here,” Coach Dunn said roughly. When she looked at his face, her voice softened. “She’ll be fine.”

“Should I walk her to the nurse?” He rubbed a hand over his mouth and looked so worried, it shot through my heart like a shard of glass.

“No!” I shook my head. “I just overdid it. I think I was a little dehydrated. Maybe I’ll just sit on the bench for a few?”

Coach Dunn nodded, and Saxon narrowed his eyes at me, then pointed two fingers at his eyes and flipped them in my direction. “I’ll be watching. You get back on that track, I’ll throw you over my shoulder and carry you to the nurse no matter what anyone says.” He gave Coach Dunn a grudging nod and jogged back to his waiting team.

Coach Dunn put a hand on my shoulder.

“Maybe if I feel better, I’ll just do a couple of slow laps?” I looked up into her tanned face, desperate for her to tell me I didn’t have to sit on this bench with only my guilt-heavy thoughts to keep me company.