All the air sucked out of my lungs and left me tight and twisted in front of him. “I’m sorry,” I stuttered. His face was so close to mine, I could see his pupils, deeper black than the midnight of his irises. “I’ve been so screwed up, Saxon. I haven’t been fair to you. Or myself. Or anyone.” I couldn’t bring myself to utter Jake’s name, even though he was the one I screwed over the worst. “I was so stupid. I just wasn’t sure about so much, so much was confusing…”

“I get it,” he bit out, sifting his words through his teeth. He tightened his hands on the back of the chair and shook it on its legs with a frustrated groan. “So I was just someone to waste time with for you, too? Don’t look all stricken. I’ve been that for other girls before. I just didn’t expect it from you. That’s all.”

“That’s not true! You’re so important to me. How could you think you’re not? That’s the reason why this has been so insane!” I put my hand on his forearm and he snatched it back like he’d been burned. “The fact that I care about you is what started this all!”

“Important to you?” he sneered, brushing past me. “Important for what? A ride now and then? Someone to run over and check on you when Jake wasn’t paying you any attention?” He was about to walk away from me.

The room felt like it was tilting wildly. “That’s not what you are to me.” I reached out and grabbed onto the side of the table. “Saxon, listen to me. You mean so much to me. Believe me when I tell you that. Please, believe me.”

He whirled around. “Believe you? Why? Because you’ve been so honest up to now? If you want me to believe I mean so much to you, why don’t you prove it?” His lips curled back and he bared his teeth at me.

“How?” I reached out for him a second time, and he grabbed my hand hard.

“Come back to my place. Be with me. Just me. Just us.” His eyes were dark and wild, and I could see that he knew exactly what he was asking me.

My heart hammered hard in my chest, and part of me wondered what it would be like. I knew I could trust him. I knew he’d care about me enough to make it special. I also knew in the pit of my heart that it would be a huge mistake, and one that would be impossible to take back. I knew my own heart, and I told him the honest truth.

“I can’t do that, Saxon. Not with you, not with anyone.” My knees shook so hard, I swear they knocked together.

“Why not? Because of him? You never wanted me, did you?” he snarled, his hold on my wrist tightening from rough grab to full, blood-stopping tourniquet.

First I felt a white-hot blast of fury, and I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would spew acid words right into his arrogant face. But two deep breaths and the desperate bite of his hand on my wrist dissolved the jagged edges of my anger and melted it into something softer. Something sadder.

In the middle of this pretty paper room, under the low glow of the creamy lamps, I could see that Saxon was fueled by a twisted kind of love. I put my hand on his, on the hand that had bound itself so fiercely round my wrist, and loosened his fingers one by one.

“That’s not how it works. That’s not good enough for either one of us.” My voice stayed soft but firm. We squared off, our eyes locked.

“Coward,” he accused, his voice raw as gravel on new skin.

“Not at all.” I raised a hand to his cheek, but he shied away from my touch. “I’d be a coward if I slept with you to try to get an answer or make things easier. I won’t do that for either one of our sakes.” I took the bills off the table and folded them into my pocket. “You pay. I’m sorry I bitched about our date. It was really sweet of you to take me out.”

“Brenna.”

No one ever said my name like that before; like a plea, like the endnote of an argument, like it was the most hopeless, sorriest of all the words there were to say.

“I careabout you. I do. But some things are mine to give, and could never, ever be yours or anyone else’s to demand. And it will never be up for discussion. Does that make sense?” This time, when I reached for his face, he didn’t back away. He closed his black eyes and his eyelashes tangled together. He nuzzled his jaw against my hand.

When he finally spoke, he seemed calmer. Or maybe defeated.“You think too much, you know that? Brainiac.” He brought my palm to his lips and kissed it, then tucked a strand of hair behind my ear like it was his to move. I didn’t even attempt to stop him. “Go to the bathroom. Or whatever. Let me take care of the bill and see if I can get the waitress’s number. Maybe she can steal me some sake for later.” He tried to waggle his eyebrows with sexy bravado, but I didn’t miss the bleak look that shaded his eyes. I did ignore it, and his face communicated his thanks for that.

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, too pale and with purple circles under my bloodshot eyes. I wasn’t completely happy with what I saw, but at least I could look myself in the eyes again.

Saxon waited in the lobby, hands in his coat pocket, toothpick dangling out of the side of his mouth. He made a move to take his hands out of his pockets, then reconsidered and left them in. He nodded at me. “C’mon. We have a concert to get to.”

“Saxon?” I took a few steps towards him and he took an equal amount of steps back, maintaining an exact distance between us. “We could see the zombies. If you wanted. I don’t mind.”

He smiled the unhappiest smile I’d ever seen. “Don’t you ever get tired of being all mature and level-headed? You make the rest of us look like even bigger fuck-ups in comparison.”

“Mature? Level-headed?” I held my hands up. “What are you talking about? I made the biggest mess. Ever! And…I know I hurt you.”

The smile got wider and infinitesimally sadder. “Don’t give yourself so much credit. Plus that, I don’t want your pity date to ruin the zombie awesomeness. Another time, another girl who doesn’t mind brain decimation.”

“Another girl?” I felt relieved and disappointed at the same time.

“You didn’t think you’d be the last, did you?” He took two steps towards me and bumped the toe of his boot to the toe of mine. “Come on. Now! Party time. Let’s go.” He held his elbow out to me, and I linked my arm through it. His smile was smaller, but it had a tiny sprinkle of happiness. Or, at least, not as much sadness.

Everything had gone completely wrong, but somehow it had snapped back into the strange, unspoken, uneasy place that we had been at back on the first day we met, and I was happy to be there again.

By the time we pulled up at The Grange, cars had already choked the gravel driveway and people poured out and milled around the doors and in the rickety wooden building. The back of Saxon’s hand brushed mine, but he pulled it away without a glance in my direction and waved back at a few girls from the soccer team who called him over. For a second he looked torn.

“Go.” I waved my hand towards the girls who smiled and called him over.

“I’m here with you.” He bumped his shoulder against mine. “You’re a pain in the ass, but I’m not going to just ditch you.”

“It’s cool.” I pointed to the table where Kelsie was busy hocking shirts. “There’s Kelsie. I’m going to say hi. You go say hi to your friends.”

He squinted at me for a minute, then nodded. “Good thing I hedged my bets, eh, Blix?” He tossed a glance towards the girls’ soccer team, now gathered in full force and cat calling to him. “Not exactly what I wanted, but you know what they say about getting what you want.”

“That you should want what you have instead?” I guessed.

“No! That’s ridiculous advice. Jesus, who told you that? Never mind, don’t even answer that. Just forget you ever heard it. They, and by ‘they’ I am referring to those who know what the hell they’re talking about, say that you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes…” He held his hand out for me to finish.