forced us to hang out at the house all day. It didn’t go very well

and we ended up getting into an argument when she pulled me

away and told me she thinks I shouldn’t hang out with Seth

anymore.

“He has quite a mouth on him,” she’d said. “And I don’t like

his attitude.”

“You don’t have to like it, mom,” I’d replied. “But he’s my

friend and he’s going to stay my friend.”

That didn’t go over very well and she started lecturing me

about the little girl she lost, the one who didn’t sass off.

“What are you thinking about?” Seth asks. We’re up in the

room above the garage. It’s a fairly nice day, the sunlight spilling

all over the snow and ice and melting it. I’ve been analyzing it for a while, watching it reflect against the ice, looking so perfect, yet I know if I step outside, the cold and slipperiness won’t hold up the

perfection. “You have this strange look on your face… like you’re

thinking about killing someone.”

I’m standing next to the windowsill kicking a punching bag

with my bare foot. My dad hauled it up into the room a few days

ago, after my mom gave it to him for Christmas as a way to “get

into shape.”

“I’m just thinking about stuff.”

He flips a page of the magazine he’s looking through as he

lays on his stomach on the bed. “Like what?”

I shake my head and ram my fist into the bag, barely

budging it. Sweat beads down the back of my neck and my

ponytail is slipping loose from the elastic. “Nothing. It’s nothing…

just the weather.”

He cocks an eyebrow as he peers up from the magazine. He’s

got on a pair of jeans and a striped shirt and this leather string

necklace around his neck. “The weather?”

I shrug, pivot my hip to the side, and then spring my knee

up, flattening my foot against the bag one more time. Breathless, I

pad over to the bed, the concrete floor cold against my bare feet,

and I hurry and hop onto the mattress. “Yeah, sometimes I like to

analyze it and what it all might mean in relation to life.”

He turns a page as he gapes at me. “You’re a very strange

girl. You know that?”

I nod as I tuck my feet underneath the blanket. “I’ve been

told that a few times.”

He sighs and then eyes my outfit. I still have my pajamas on,

no makeup, and I smell like sweat. “Are you planning on staying

dressed like that all day? I was hoping we’d go out.”

I lean back against the wall, fanning my hand in front of my

face to try and cool off. “To where?”

“Anywhere but here.”

“This place is already wearing on you, huh.”

He shakes his head and starts reading the page in front of

him. “No, but this room is and the fact that you keep dazing off

into Callie la-la land. You’re bumming me out… You’ve been

bumming be out since that day you ran into Kayden at the café.”

He peeks up at me through his long black eyelashes. A strand of

his hair falls into his eyes, but he doesn’t bother brushing it back.

He looks like he’s waiting for me to tell him something.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, draping my arm across my stomach.

He scowls at me as he roughly flips another page and he

accidentally rips the corner. “You’re keeping something from me

that happened at the café… when you ran outside.”

“No, I’m not,” I lie because I’m afraid to talk about it, afraid of

what Seth will tell me it means.

He points a finger at me with his eyes narrowed. “Don’t you

lie to me, Callie. Just tell me you don’t want to tell me. Don’t lie.”

My face sinks as I frown. “I’m sorry. I just really don’t want to

talk about it. It’ll be too hard… to find out what it means… to find

out how I feel.”

He pauses as he assesses me and then his gaze glides to the

window where my notebook lays. “Have you written about it?”

I shake my head and wipe some of the sweat off my face

with the back of my hand. “And I don’t want to.”

“Have you ever written about how you felt that night… about

Kayden?”

“I haven’t,” I tell him. “And like I said, I really don’t want to.”

He straightens his arms and pushes up from the bed. He

kneels and scoots closer to me until he’s by my side. “Maybe you

should. Maybe you should write Kayden a letter, telling him how

you feel, not just about what happened, but how you feel about

him.”

“Seth, I don’t think I can.” I roll onto my back and stare up at

the patches on the ceiling. “I’m afraid of what I’ll end up writing…

I’m afraid of what I really feel and how he’ll react it.” I’m afraid that what I’m forcing to stay locked away inside my heart will break free

and I’ll have to deal with it.

He takes my hand in his and one side of his mouth quirks

upward. “Callie, honey, I think if both of us have learned anything

in our lives it’s that being afraid is not the way to live.”

“I know,” I say softly, realizing just how much I’ve been

holding in. Ever since it happened, my chest and feelings and heart

have been vined into this warped knot. “But what if I find out

something that I don’t want to?”

“It’s better than hiding it and repressing it, isn’t it?”

I smash my lips together and listen to the space heater hum

as I consider his words carefully. Then I compel myself to sit up.

“You’re a very wise man, Seth.”

“Well, duh.” He rolls his eyes and smiles. “That’s clear to

everyone who meets me.”

My smile grows because despite whatever ends up coming

out on that paper when I jot down my thoughts, I’ll have Seth and I

know that unlike in the past, I won’t be alone.

I retrieve the notebook from the windowsill and curl up in a

ball on the bed holding the tip of the pen to the paper, ready to

admit what really lies inside the darkest spots of my heart, the

things I’m afraid of but want more badly then anything in my life.

* * *

An hour later, I walk out of the garage, feeling lighter, almost

like I’m flying. Seth was right. Writing down everything I’m feeling

was a good idea. I feel much better. It’s strange because I write

about Kayden all the time, but it was different actually writing to

him because I know that one day, if I ever get the courage, he

might read it.

I’m headed out to the driveway where Luke is waiting for me

in his truck, ready to take Seth and me away for a little bit. Seth

beat me out already and as I head down the steps he’s laughing