You can do this. I can do anything if I want to. I just have to choose to do it. Suddenly, I can breathe freely again. I’m smiling and Seth

and Luke are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

Kayden glances at me, a forced grin at his lips. “Sounds

good.”

I offer him a smile, wondering why he’s acting so upset.

Everything had been okay when we left the beach house, at least I

thought so. I lean into him and whisper, “Are you okay?”

He nods, giving me a puzzled look. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I

be?”

“I don’t know,” I say, eyeing the sadness in his eyes. “You

look sad.”

“Well, I’m not. I promise.” He returns his attention to the

window and my heart sinks in my chest, knowing there’s

something he’s not telling me. But I don’t want to press him in

front of Luke and Seth, so I keep quiet.

Ten minutes later we’re checked into a motel room with two

queen-size beds, a retro décor, and air smelling of mildew. Seth

and Luke start arguing about the sleeping arrangement and I take

the opportunity to talk to Kayden about what’s bothering him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, sinking down on the bed

beside him.

He nods, fiddling with the remote, even though the

television isn’t on. “Yeah, I’m fine. I already told you that.”

“But you’ve been so quiet,” I say. “You’ve barely said a word

since we left California.”

“I’m just tired.” He drops the remote down on the nightstand

and stares out the window. He does look really exhausted, but I

don’t think that’s the real reason. Like he senses my doubts, he

places his hand on my knee and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Callie,

stop worrying. I’m okay.”

“Okay,” I say quietly and then get up from the bed to use the

restroom. I lock the door and sit down on the edge of the bathtub.

I don’t really have to use the bathroom; I just needed to gather

myself. The urge to make myself throw up is rising inside me and I

really want to give into it, because it’s been a while and I’m really stressed out about Kayden and about telling my mom. I start

bouncing my knees as I breathe through my nose and count to

ten, reminding myself that I’m strong. That I can live life without

making myself purge.

It takes me a while, but about ten minutes later, I calm down

and walk out of the bathroom, surprised to find Luke on one bed

and Seth on the other watching television and Kayden is nowhere

to be seen.

“Where’d Kayden go?” I ask, walking between the two beds.

They both look up at me, blinking their eyes, and then they

gaze around the room. Seth sits up with his brows furrowed. “Huh?

I didn’t hear him leave.”

Luke yawns. “He went to get his bag out of the back of the

truck,” he tells me. “But he’s been out there for a few minutes.”

Panic surges through me as I round the foot of the bed and

draw back the curtain. The neon VACANT sign lights up the

parking lot where the truck is parked down below, snow falling on

the hood and roof. I can’t see Kayden anywhere, but I tell myself

he has to be coming up the stairs, which are out of my view.

Slipping on my shoes, I run out the door.

“Callie, what the hell?” I hear Seth call out as I leave the door

wide open. I don’t turn back, racing to the bottom of the stairway

and out into the parking lot. When I reach Luke’s truck, Kayden

isn’t there. I search the parking lot and even walk over to the

lobby, wondering if maybe he went to raid the vending machines,

but I can’t find him anywhere. My mind is racing with a thousand

thoughts of what’s going on. Where would he go? Why would he

leave? Why did he look so sad?

By the time I’m headed back to the stairway, Seth and Luke

are walking down it. I’m about in tears, frozen without a jacket on.

“He’s gone,” I sputter.

They meet me at the bottom of the steps and Luke’s

forehead creases as he stares at his truck. “What do you mean he’s

gone?”

“I searched everywhere.” I wrap my arms around myself,

shivering from the cold and my nerves. “I can’t find him.”

Seth’s arms encircle me. “I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he just

went for a walk.”

“It’s almost ten thirty at night and freezing,” I say. “There’s

nowhere to walk to.”

“Maybe he walked to a gas station to get something to eat.”

Even he sounds like he doesn’t believe it. “I thought I saw one a

few roads up.”

“Hang on a second,” Luke says as he removes his phone

from his back pocket. “I’ll call him and see if I can get him to

answer and see what’s up.” He dials the number, puts the phone

up to his ear, and wanders away toward his truck, leaving

footprints in the snow.

Seth hugs me as I watch Luke kick at the snow with one arm

resting across his stomach. He keeps walking and walking farther

away from the motel. My legs grow weak and finally I have to sit

down on the stairs.

Seth sits with me. “I’m sure everything’s okay.”

I shake my head. “He seemed so upset the whole drive. I

think something was really bothering him.” I pull my knees to my

chest and rest my chin on top of them. What if he’s going to do

something… something hurtful to himself?

I slide my phone out of my pocket and try to call him myself.

The phone rings four times and then goes to his voicemail. I hang

up and send him a text.

Me: Hey, where r u… I’m worried. You just took off.

I wait, but there’s no response. I suck back the tears

frantically wanting to escape, wishing I could curl into a ball and

cry myself to sleep. I hurt everywhere. And I’m afraid. Not for

myself but for Kayden and what he’s doing. I can’t get the picture

of him trying to cut himself out of my head. What if he ends up

hurting himself really badly?

Finally, Luke heads back toward us with a puzzled look on his

face. Right before he reaches us, my phone beeps.

Kayden: I’m ok.

He’s okay?

Me: Where R U?

“I got ahold of him,” Luke says as my phone beeps again. “He

said to tell you that he’s okay, but that there’s something he needs

to take care of.”

I glance down at the screen, trying to hold the phone steady

in my shaking hand.

Kayden: There’s someone I need to talk to and it can’t

wait… with my therapist… Look, I’ll explain everything later.

I’ll come back and then we’ll talk. And Callie, I promise I’m OK.