Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget by Vitruvius

Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit

Toujours, Gaul by Julius Caesar

Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit

Eat Right-for that Lean and Hungry Look! by Cassius

Edi Recte-ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino

Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less by Cato the Elder

Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit

Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout by Mark Antony

De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit

Letters to My Cat by Pliny the Younger

Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit

What Color is Your Catapult? by Frontinus

Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit

Oracles Say the Darnedest Things by Livy

Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit

Entrail Reading for Dummies by Cicero

Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero

Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece by Virgil

E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit

Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet by Apicius

Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit

Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!

Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!

We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent

Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat

Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.

Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.

It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.

Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.

We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.

Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.

We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.

In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.

We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!

Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!

To be continued…

Narratio resumetur…

Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers

Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis

Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills

Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt

* Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers

** Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts

Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts

Dicite competitori meo vos obstare proposito suo ferendi legem quae cogat ludos Dominicales conducere paedicatores otiosos bilingues narcomaniacos

I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that anything I might say would be a bald-faced lie

Recuso reverenter ne respondeam, quia quicquid dicam id sit mendacium impudens

It wasn’t all done with smoke and mirrors-there were some bells and whistles, too

Non solum fumo speculisque, sed etiam tintinnabulis fistulisque factum est

It wasn’t really a loss, it was a loan, which of course shows up as a profit

Non vero damnum erat sed mutuum, quod scilicet in rationibus existimatur lucrum

I was out of the loop, but I distinctly remember asking if it passed the smell test

Consilii particeps non eram, tamen memini clare me rogare num id insidias oleret

Due to an alien abduction, I have no recollection of anything else during that particular period of time

Quod raptus sum a transaetheriis, omnia quae evenerunt illo tempore de memoria mea exciderunt

I only sold my stock because a gypsy fortune-teller told me it was an unlucky month for any company with a vowel in its name

Omnes partes meas vendidi tantummodo eo, quod Aegyptia sortilega mihi dixit mensem infaustum esse cuiquam societati quae vocalem in nomine habet

Plus which, I needed cash to buy a condominium for my daughter’s hamster

Mihi autem pecunia opus erat ad domicilium emendum criceto filiae meae

I mistook the shredder for a Xerox machine

Discissorem esse Xerographium perperam putavi

Look, let me off the hook and I will rat out every single person in the whole company

Age, da mihi veniam ac impunitatem, deferam unumquemque hominum in societate

Ministerium consultatorium rerum technicarum tibi gratias agit quod vocavisti

Thank you for calling tech support

Verisimile est te haudquaquam intellegere quod dicimus; quid enim?

You probably don’t understand a word we’re saying; but so what?

Vocatum tuum nullius momenti putamus eumque neglegemus in ordine

Your call is of no interest to us and will be ignored in the order it was received

Fieri potest ut vocatum tuum subauscultemus vel transcribamus animi causa

Your call may be monitored or recorded to provide us with entertainment

Omnes auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant

All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy

Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam

Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days

Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias

Press one to hear irritating music

Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias

Press two to hear a busy signal

Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias

Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension

Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris

Press four to be immediately disconnected