Kiss my basilisk

Basia basiliscum meum

Bite my zither

Morde citharam meam

Lick my licorice stick

Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum

Suck my aqueduct

Suge meum aquaeductum

Tune my lap trumpet

Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero

Lollipop my toga lizard

Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit

Lip-read my trouser scroll

Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi

Futue te ipsum

Go fuck yourself

IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT

Utinam tete futueres

Would that you would go fuck yourself

FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION

I fututum te ipsum

Go in order to fuck yourself

INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB

Te oportet futuere tete

It behooves you to go fuck yourself

PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC

Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es

It is required of you to go fuck yourself

POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE

Velim te futuas

I should like you to fuck yourself

SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE

Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum

I beseech you to fuck yourself

GENITIVE OF PURPOSE

I tete futuendi gratia

Go for the sake of fucking yourself

FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID

Si te futuas, gaudeam

If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice

FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID

Se te futueris gaudebo

If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice

PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT

Si te futueres, gauderem

If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing

PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT

Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem

If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced

FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD

Tete fututure, te saluto

You who are about to go fuck yourself, I salute you

FUTURE IMPERATIVE

Tete futuito

Make it your policy to fuck yourself

ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE

Te fututo, gaudeo

You having been fucked, I rejoice

You Know You May Be a Roman If…SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI…

… you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb

… saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris

… you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes

… credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios

… you can eat and have sex at the same time

… simul cenare et futuere possis

… you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight

… umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis

… you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep

… nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio

… your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt

… discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis

… you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves

… quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus

… you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other

… possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae

… you compliment the chef by throwing up

… coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes

… you have a personal poisoner on your staff

… unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius

… the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves

… numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis

… your idea of a party animal is a goat

… animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum

… your car has sword blades welded to its wheels

… habeas currum falcatum

… there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath

… plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti

… you think it would be really cool to be Greek

… putes esse lepidissimum Graecari

… you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl

… domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem

… you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic

… numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum

My name is Sir-I’ll be your customer tonight

Nomen mihi est Dominus-hodie vobiscum cenabo

My sign is, I sign the check

Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham

The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something

De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam

If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?

Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?

Exactly how fresh is that pepper?

Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?

Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?

Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?

This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa

Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus

My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school

Summam coquo laudem tribuo-imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit

No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote

Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet

I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel

In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat

I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends

Zago, zagas, zagat

It’s an intense chalky white marked by overtones of turpentine and lead, with a bright, long-lasting finish

Vinum peralbum cretosum est, resinam terebinthinam et cerussam redolens, nec sine polimine nitido durabili

It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him

Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui

It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking

Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat

* It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.

** My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.