You have to be able to imagine what isn't there, and imagine away what is, see underneath things, impose your own taste on top of them. The third place was filthy and smelled of cigarettes and years of unopened windows. The walls were brown and stained, or had faded flowery wallpaper covering them. The carpets were an unlovely purple. The living room needed to be knocked into the kitchen-dining room, to create a huge open space downstairs. The plasterboard needed to be ripped away from the fireplace.
'You could have a huge sunroof over the kitchen, and maybe open it out even further into a conservatory. It'd be fantastic'
'Do you think so?'
'With that garden, definitely. It must be about sixty feet long.'
'It's big for London, isn't it? But it's just nettles.'
'Think what it could be like!'
'Did you see the state of the kitchen?'
'He lived there for years without doing anything at all to it. But that's the joy of it – it's ready for you to do whatever you want.'
'It's more spacious than I thought we could afford. And all the cornices and mouldings and proper sash windows
'It looks pretty solid to me, as far as I could tell. I'll help you with it.'
'Really? You'd do that?'
'Of course.'
'And you think it's the right place for us?'
'It's your choice. You've got to want it and what I think doesn't matter. But you could make it really lovely.'
Kerry squeezed my arm. 'I can't wait to tell Brendan.'
I pressed the button on the answering machine.
'Hello, Mirrie. I hear you've just chosen our new home for us. That's very sweet. But a bit strange as well, don't you think? I guess we've just got to get used to that, though, haven't we?'
I pressed the erase button. My hands were shaking.
Tony and Laura and Nick and I went to the pub together. That was the stage we'd jumped to, going out as a. couple, in a foursome. Everyone was very friendly to each other, wanting to get along. Nick bought us all a round and then Laura did, and then, out of the blue, just when things were going so well, I found myself talking about Brendan.
'I should be happy,' I said. 'I mean, Kerry's over the moon.'
'Who are we talking about?' asked Nick amiably, putting a crisp into his mouth and crunching it.
'Brendan. Kerry's boyfriend,' I said. 'Or rather, her fiancé. They've only known each other a couple of weeks and they've got engaged.'
'That's romantic'
'It makes me and Laura seem a bit staid and dull,' said Tony cheerfully, and Laura shot him an angry look that he blithely did not notice.
'But there's something really really wrong about him,' I said. 'He gives me the creeps.'
'That's all right. You don't have to marry him.'
'Didn't you go out with him, though?' asked Tony. Laura shot him another look. I think she may even have jabbed him under the table.
'Not really,' I said.
'How do you go out with someone not-really?'
'Not for long, I meant. It wasn't anything.' Most of me knew that I shouldn't be having this conversation, so I don't know why I then said: 'I finished it with him. It wasn't the other way round whatever he goes around saying.'
Nick looked puzzled and seemed about to speak, but Tony got there first.
'So what's the problem?'
'Well, for an example, he said this thing to me, when they announced they were going to get married.'
'What thing?'
'It was sick. He said…' I stopped dead. I could feel a flush burning its way up my body. Sweat broke out on my brow. 'He said something gross.'
'What? Go on!' Only Tony didn't seem to be feeling any discomfort. Laura was glaring at me, and Nick was looking down at the table, fiddling with his beer mat.
'It was stupid. I don't know why I mentioned it.'
'Come on, Miranda. Otherwise I'll just have to imagine it!'
'I don't want to say.' How prissy did that sound? 'Let's drop it.'
'It was you who started it.'
'I know. I shouldn't have done. It's just stupid family stuff.'
'Gross, as in sexually suggestive?' Tony persisted.
'He just said I had…' I hesitated, then said, 'He said I had a nice mouth.'
'Oh.' There was a pause. Nick put another crisp into his mouth. Tony stared at me. 'Well, that's not so bad, is it?'
'No,' I said weakly. 'Just leave it now. Forget it.'
'So before me, it was this guy Brendan.'
'Yes. Not really. It just lasted a couple of weeks or so. I drifted into it. It was a mistake, really. Not even a big mistake, just a small one. It's just weird that he's turned up again like this…' Why the fuck were we lying in bed talking about Brendan? 'Who was before me, then?'
'A woman called Frieda, but that was quite a long time ago…' And so we were off into safer dangers, telling each other about past loves, giving each other our secrets the way new lovers do. This one adored me, this one meant nothing, and this one broke my heart… I once heard a discussion on the radio, where a man said you could only fall in love three or four times in your life. I lay there with Nick's arms around me and wondered how many times I'd been in love. I wondered, was I in love now? How do you know when you're in love?
A few days later, they arrived unannounced, ringing my doorbell when I'd just sunk into a hot bath after a sweaty day up a ladder. I cursed, pulled on an old towelling robe and opened the door, letting in the damp evening air. Kerry had an eager smile on her face, and Brendan was brandishing a bunch of flowers. 'Is this a bad time?'
'I was just having a bath.' I pulled my robe tighter and clutched it at the neck.
'We can make ourselves at home while you finish,' said Brendan. 'Can't we, Kerry?'
'No, it's OK. Come on in.'
I stepped back reluctantly and they followed me into the living room. Kerry sat on the sofa, but Brendan stood squarely in the middle of the room, gazing around proprietorially.
'You've changed where the furniture is.'
'A bit.'
'I liked it better the way it was before. Don't you want to put the flowers in water?'
'Yes. Thanks.' Actually, I wanted to jam them into the overflowing bin.
'Have you eaten?' he asked, as if I were the one who'd come barging in, not him.
'No. I'm not really hungry. I'll have a snack later.' I took a deep breath, then said, 'Do you want a coffee? Or something alcoholic?'
'Wine would be nice,' he said.
I took the bottle from the fridge that Nick had brought round the last time he came.
'Shall I open it for you?'
'I can do it fine.'
He held up his hands in mock alarm. 'Whoa! Of course you can, Mirrie. I was just being polite.'
I stabbed the corkscrew into the cork and twisted it down crookedly. When I pulled, only half the cork came out. Brendan watched me, smiling sympathetically, as I gingerly extracted the crumbled remains of the cork from the bottle and poured three glasses. He held his up to the light and carefully picked out a few bits of cork from the wine before drinking.
'We should have brought a bottle round ourselves,' said Kerry. 'Because, actually, we have a favour to ask.'
'Yes?' I asked warily.
'Well, something amazing's happened. You know that man who was coming round a second time to look at my flat on Sunday?'
'Yes.'
'He's made an offer. Only a bit less than what we were asking.'
'That's brilliant,' I said.
'He seems really keen. And he's a first-time buyer. He's not in a chain at all.'
'But he is in a hurry,' interjected Brendan.
'Ah,' I said. I had a horrible, horrible feeling that I knew where this was going.
'He seems to think,' said Kerry, 'that he can exchange and complete in a matter of a week or two. He says his solicitor told him that as long as she can do the search immediately and there's no problem with the survey, then he could be in by the end of next week.'