And thus it was that on election day, October 8, 1968, the voters went to the polls and elected, as leader of the greatest nation that the world has ever seen, President Richard Milhous N ... President Richard M ... President R ... Please don’t make us do this.

Nixon’s first official act as president was to sneak out behind the White House and bury his secret peace plan to ensure that nobody would find out what it was, which would have been a breach of national security. With that

important task accomplished, he swung into action, working feverishly to accomplish his most important objective, to realize the cherished dream that had driven him through all these years of disappointment, to reach the long-sought goal that, thanks to his election was finally within his grasp, namely: getting reelected.

1. Didn’t you always, even when you were sitting around with your friends pretending to be really enthralled, secretly hate sitar music? Admit it.

The seventies dawned with “Dick” Nixon riding high. The nation had surged ahead in the space race through a series of courageous accomplishments by astronauts such as Donald “Deke” Slayton, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, Scott “Scotty” Carpenter, and Nicholas “Nicky the Squid” Calamari, climaxing with the historic moment on October 8 when Neil “Satchmo” Armstrong became the first human, with the possible exception of guitarist Jimi Hendrix, to set foot on the Moon, where he expressed the emotions of an anxiously watching world with the unforgettable statement “Hi Mom!”

On the foreign-policy front, Nixon continued to protect the national security by not telling anybody, not even his secret wife, Pat, what his secret plan to end the Vietnam War was. At the same time, he undertook a major clandestine foreign-policy initiative by sending chocolates and long-stemmed roses to legendary Communist Chinese revolutionary leader Mao (“Mo the Dong”) Zedong. Helping him with this initiative was the brilliant, avocado-shaped genius Henry Kissinger, who became the nation’s top foreign-policy strategist despite being born with the handicaps of a laughable accent and no morals or neck.

The daring initiative came to fruition in 1972 when Nixon became the first American president to visit China, where Mao , an avid prankster, presented him with two giant pandas, named Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing. This was actually a hilarious Communist joke, because “Ling-Ling” and “Hsing-Hsing” are the words that Chinese children use to describe bodily outputs, as in “Mommy, I have to make ling-ling.” The Chinese officials just about died laughing when Nixon was making his thank-you speech and Ling-Ling went Hsing-Hsing on his shoe. (The pandas now reside in the National Zoo, where, over the past eighteen years, nearly a third of the federal budget has been spent on various elaborate schemes to get them to reproduce, which is also pretty funny inasmuch as they are both males.)

The China initiative was a notable coup, and even though the darned pesky Vietnam War was still going on, everybody knew that “Dick” had his secret plan, which he could dig up and put into effect at any time. So things looked very good indeed for him going into the 1972 election. He got a lot of help from the Democrats, who, continuing the tradition they established in 1968 of appearing to be incapable of operating an electric blanket, let alone the country, nominated George McGovern, who had exhibited a wide-ranging appeal to a broad cross section of nearly fourteen voters. The result was that in the 1972 election Nixon carried all the states and every major planet except

Massachusetts.

So by 1973 “Dick” Nixon was at the pinnacle of power and appeared poised to become, against all odds, one of the most successful and respected presidents in the nation’s history. This was the signal for God to come into the game and create ...

The Watergate Scandal, which gets its name from the fact that it was a scandal, began with a break-in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters by a group of burglars so ludicrously incompetent that they obviously had to have some connection with the federal government. Sure enough, when two plucky and persistent Washington Post reporters, played by Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, began poking around, a confidential source named “Deep Throat”—whose identity remains a closely guarded secret to this very day because it was Pat Nixon in drag—revealed to them a fascinating tidbit of information: Some species of mollusk can actually change their gender.

This was the “missing puzzle piece” that the two brash young journalists needed to “break the story.” Within days the scandal was such hot news that it was turned into a highly popular television series called The Senate Watergate Committee’s Parade of Scuzzballs, starring genial host “Senator Sam” Ervin (Okeefenokee), who had the entire nation listening with rapt attention in an effort to figure out what the hell he was saying. Senator Sam spoke in Deep Southern, which is similar to English, only unintelligible, so everything he said came out sounding like “We go’ heppin’ wif de bane pone.” But everybody was on his side anyway, because the committee witnesses—a group of high-level Nixon administration aides, all of them named Klaus—projected all the warmth and personal integrity of eels. (We are pleased to report, however, that while in federal prison they all found the Lord, who was serving a six-year sentence for failing to file tax returns.)

So things looked very bad for the Nixon administration, and they got even worse with the revelation that Nixon had secretly taped all the Oval Office conversations that had taken place between him and the various Klauses. The tapes contained many shocking and highly revealing exchanges, such as this one, from October 8:

NIXON: Because you have, you have problems with the, with the [expletive deleted], with the ...

KLAUS: Yeah [garbled], with the, uh, with the ...

NIXON: ... with, uh, with the [expletive deleted].

KLAUS: ... with the ...

NIXON: [Expletive deleted].

KLAUS: ... with the Smoot-Hawley.

NIXON: Shit.

As damaging as these revelations were, matters got even worse for Nixon when one of the tapes was found to contain, at a crucial juncture, an eighteen-minute gap where nothing could be heard except a hum. This was the last straw: The American public, simply would not tolerate a president who would fritter away eighteen minutes humming during a crucial juncture. The next day, October 8, the Senate Watergate Committee voted 17-9 in favor of a resolution proposed by Senator Ervin calling on the president to “Rang onsum latmun sookles.” Clearly the dice had been cast down onto the gauntlet. Nixon appeared to have only two options left:

OPTION ONE: He could boldly remain as president and defend himself in the now-inevitable impeachment proceedings.

OPTION TWO: He could spare the country further trauma by resigning in a dignified manner.

Those of you who are well-schooled students of “Dick” Nixon will not be surprised to learn that, after carefully weighing the alternatives, he decided to go with Option Three: to stand in the Rose Garden and make a semicoherent speech about his mother that may well rank as the single most embarrassing moment in American history. Thoroughly humiliated, Nixon then went off to live in a state of utter disgrace (New Jersey.). This was widely believed to be the end of his career.