“Just come on. We’ll talk about it later.”

“Well, if it isn’t the prodigal son,” Gash mused from behind his desk in his crappy office. I set my mouth and gave him a short nod.

Gash looked at Marco and narrowed his eyes. “You can wait in the hall. And shut the door when you leave,” he commanded.

Marco looked surprised. “But—”

“But nothin’. This is between X and me. I don’t want a fucking audience. Your ass buddy will be out in a minute.”

Marco didn’t argue. No one ever argued with Gash.

When Marco had left and shut the door, Gash pointed to one of the seats in front of his desk. “Sit,” he ordered.

I sat down in the chair. “I was glad you took my offer to scout again. You have the best eye. The last dickhead didn’t stick around for very long.” I was shocked by Gash’s praise. He wasn’t one to give it willingly.

“Yeah, well, I needed the cash.” No sense beating around the bush. I wanted to get to the point for my impromptu visit.

“So Marco tells me,” Gash said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his hands over his belly, wearing a self-satisfied smirk. He knew my weaknesses. He had made a living on exploiting people. He knew he could get me through my vices: cash, power, and drugs.

“I’m guessing that while the money you get from scouting helps some, it’s not nearly enough. Am I right?” he asked, his smirk irking me.

I cleared my throat, hardly able to believe I was groveling to this shit stain for help. I had sworn I’d never set foot in the club again. That my new life had no place for the world I used to live in.

But that was before I had been given an eviction notice. That was before I had been reminded of how impossible it would be for me to support the woman I loved in the way I wanted to.

I needed money. Desperately. I wanted to take care of the people I loved. How could I do that if I couldn’t even take care of myself?

“Do you have any jobs around the club where I could make some extra scratch? Bartending? Bouncer? I’m not picky.” I hated eating crow. I choked on it.

Gash’s smile widened.

“I’ve cut a lot of jobs lately. I’m not sure if Marco told you or not.”

I fidgeted in my seat. “Yeah, he mentioned something like that.”

“I don’t have any extra jobs like that to hand out. Particularly to someone who has proven they’re not entirely trustworthy.” Damn, he was enjoying this.

And it reminded me of how much I hated him.

“But . . .” Gash trailed off as he opened a drawer in his desk.

He pulled out a Ziploc bag and dropped it in front of me.

I didn’t touch it, even though my fingers started to itch with the desire to grab it and run. I could see the pills gleaming white under the overhead light.

“I told Marco—” I began, barely able to get the words out.

“I know what you told Marco, and I respected that. I’m just telling you the only job I have left is the one you walked away from.”

My nostrils flared, and I started to salivate.

This was a really bad idea.

I’m right here, where you left me, Maxx. I’ve missed you.

The voice taunted me just as it always had.

“No. I can’t,” I responded emphatically, proud of myself for turning down the temptation.

Gash opened the bag and pulled out a handful of pills. They were a variety of prescription narcotics, my drug of choice. He grabbed an envelope and dumped them inside, carefully licking the seam and closing it.

“You know as well as I do how much money you can make. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing, X. Just once or twice. You know, to pay off your bills. Until you can find a better job.” Gash pushed the envelope containing the pills across the desk.

“Just think about it. But not too long. I need to unload this shipment this weekend. This is some grade-A shit from California. It’ll bring top dollar, and I’d like my best people getting it out there. And X, there’s no one better than you, and we both know it.”

His flattery didn’t matter.

All I could see was the envelope containing those tiny, soul-destroying pills.

“Take ’em. Consider it your signing bonus.” Gash laughed, a horrible sound.

“I’m not saying I’ll do it,” I hedged, hearing the weakness in my ears.

“We both know that’s a fucking lie.” Gash laughed again, obviously finding my hesitance really funny.

My hand darted out and grabbed the envelope, folding it in half and shoving it into my pocket.

I got to my feet and hurried to the door.

Going there had been a really bad idea.

But I was a man out of choices. And the worst ones were starting to seem like the best ones.

“Let Marco know by Thursday. But you can keep the pills, Maxx. You look like you need them,” Gash called out as I pulled open the door.

I felt as though I had made a deal with the devil and there was no going back.

Not now.

Not ever.

chapter

thirty-one

aubrey

ilove you, I texted to Maxx as I walked across campus toward the psychology building.

I love you more, he texted back only a minute later, making me smile.

Since coming back from North Carolina more than a week ago, I hadn’t been able to get over the nagging worry that something was different between us. The twinge of anxiety brought back nasty emotions I was trying hard to overcome.

Distrust being the most lethal.

The likelihood of relapse can be as high as 60 percent. Staying sober is a lifetime battle. What makes you think anything will be different?

That horrible voice taunted me with statistics and facts, reminding me of the likelihood that Maxx was indeed headed back down a dark path.

We had been back together for such a short time. I hated how quickly our respite had faded.

Suspicion was poisonous. It tainted everything.

I had experienced it once before, and I had sworn when I decided to try with Maxx again that it was a fixation I wasn’t willing to reacquaint myself with.

Truthfully, Maxx had done nothing to warrant my wariness. He continued to work at the Coffee Jerk and look for other employment options. I hadn’t seen anything to make me think he was using again.

So why the twinges of apprehension when we were together? I had convinced myself that my instinct was impaired. I needed to learn to trust him. To not question everything he said and did. But forgetting our painful past was hard.

Particularly as I headed to Dr. Lowell’s office for my weekly progress meeting. I hadn’t yet told her about Maxx, but I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.

Today might very well change the rest of my life.

“Hi, Aubrey! Have a seat.” Dr. Lowell waved her hand at me and I walked inside, dropping my bag onto the floor.

I handed her my signed slip from Dr. Jones, my Boundaries and Ethics professor.

Dr. Lowell checked it off and put it in my file on her desk. She crossed her hands over the folder and gave me a smile.

“I went to visit my parents a couple of weekends ago.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell her this. Only that she had always been such an easy person to confide in. “I feel like we’ve been able to deal with Jayme’s death and move forward as a family. Finally.”

Dr. Lowell’s smile broadened. “That’s wonderful, Aubrey. I’m seeing a lot of positive steps forward for you, which pleases me immensely. I think we are definitely able to start talking about next semester and how to reestablish your place in the program.”

This was it. My moment of truth. I froze momentarily, unable to say anything.

Dr. Lowell looked proud, an expression I hadn’t seen on her face directed at me in a while. She was handing me back the keys to my chosen kingdom. I had proven myself in her eyes, and she was willing to take me back into the fold.