But I couldn’t enjoy the victory, because it was laced with lies.

“Why did you want to be a counselor, Dr. Lowell?” I asked her. She looked startled by my question.

“Hmm. Well, I suppose it was for the same reasons as you, to help people,” she answered.

“Did you ever think that maybe it was a mistake? That you were traveling down the wrong path?” I continued, not entirely sure where I was going with this conversation but knowing I had some things to say before I chickened out.

Dr. Lowell sat back in her chair and seemed to think about what I was asking her. “No, Aubrey, I didn’t. I’ve always known that this was my purpose in life. But it’s totally normal to have doubts. It’s part of growing up,” she said, with kind and understanding eyes.

“I get that most people waver in their path from time to time, but for me, after everything, I’ve really been thinking if perhaps this all happened because I’m not meant to be an addictions counselor. That maybe I’ve gone into this for all the wrong reasons.”

“Where is this coming from, Aubrey? If you need more time before coming back into the program—”

“It’s not that, Dr. Lowell. When I was in high school I planned to go to college to become a teacher. It was my dream. Then my sister died and all of that changed and I became sort of obsessed with helping others the way I felt I had failed her. My old dreams faded under my guilt. And then I met Maxx.” I paused and took a breath.

“And I realized that there was more out there than these so-called plans I had.” I looked at my favorite professor. “Have you ever met someone who makes you question everything?”

Dr. Lowell frowned. “I’m confused, Aubrey. Are you telling me you don’t want to be in the counseling program anymore?”

I bit on my lip and prepared myself to take the most significant step of my entire life. “Maxx Demelo and I are seeing each other again,” I said, and watched Dr. Lowell’s swift intake of breath and narrowing eyes.

“Aubrey—” she began, warning clear in her tone, but I cut her off.

“And I understand that this will impact my chances of reentering the counseling program. I thought I’d be more upset by this than I am. When I really thought about giving up on being a counselor, I found that I wasn’t quite as devastated as I should be in giving up my dream. Because I realized it was never really my dream to begin with.”

I sat up a little straighter and looked Dr. Lowell in the eye. “It was my attempt to fix myself, but that’s not a reason to go into a profession whose aim is to help others. I think it’s time that I follow dreams that will make me happy, not remind me of my pain.”

Dr. Lowell looked at a loss for words, which was a first. She seemed flustered and tapped her pen against her coffee cup several times before responding.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, Aubrey, because I am. I’m worried that you are making decisions based on a relationship that has already proven destructive and inappropriate.”

I understood her concerns. But they were far from the truth.

“This has nothing to do with Maxx, actually. This decision, this choice, has to do with me. I’ve got to stop letting my past influence my future.”

Dr. Lowell took a drink of coffee and sat quietly for a time.

“You do understand that by changing your major this late in the game, it will affect your graduation date. I’m not sure how you will graduate with your class,” she said, sounding tired and maybe a little sad.

“I understand. I also understand that I’d have to find a new adviser in the education department.”

Dr. Lowell nodded. “Yes, you would,” she agreed.

We were both quiet for a time. This was a major turning point, and I felt a brief hesitation. What if I was making a huge mistake? Was I really doing this?

Yes. I was.

“I want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. When I came here as a freshman, I was lost and floundering. You gave me something to tether myself to. This program gave me a purpose for a little while, and for that I will always be grateful.”

Dr. Lowell got to her feet and came around from behind her desk. Before I realized it, my mentor, my favorite professor, was enveloping me in a hug.

“You’re an amazing young woman, Aubrey. I hope you always remember that.”

It felt like the end of an era. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

For the first time in years, I was okay with not knowing what the next step would be. When I looked into my future, I didn’t see school and career.

I only saw Maxx.

He was my new dream.

And for that moment I did trust him. I believed in him. In us.

I just hoped I wouldn’t be proven wrong about him again.

“Can I come over? I’ve got something for you,” I said to Maxx. It was Saturday, and I had hoped to spend the day with him.

I had called him to tell him about my meeting yesterday. He was supportive and just as enthusiastic as I was about the change.

“I think it’s a great opportunity for you. And we don’t have to sneak around, double bonus,” he enthused after I told him.

“Yeah, it’s kind of scary, but I think it’s the right move for me,” I said. I felt a little sick when I thought about having to essentially start back at the beginning, but I knew that if I had continued on the counseling track I would have been doing it for the worst possible reasons. My career shouldn’t be about proving myself. It should be chosen because it makes me happy and fulfilled.

And if I was truly honest with myself, counseling never made me feel either of those things. It had been about running from my past and making up for things that, now that I was thinking outside of the thick cloud of grief, were never really my fault to begin with.

Jayme’s death wasn’t my fault. It had taken me entirely too long to realize that.

The guilt, the shame, every snarled, tangled emotion that had weighed me down for the last three years, had slowly been dissipating.

I stared at the framed picture in my hands and grinned. I had discreetly taken Maxx’s photo of his family from its spot at the back of his drawer. I had taken it downtown and gotten it framed.

After confronting my parental demons, I felt it was time for Maxx to do the same. He needed to see that his memories of his parents weren’t something that he needed to hide away.

“Oh yeah? What is it?” he asked, sounding distracted.

“It’s a surprise,” I teased, annoyed by his lack of attention.

“I’d love to see you, but I can’t tonight.”

“Why not?” I asked, hearing the accusation in my tone.

“I’m going out to see Landon for a little while,” he said, and I relaxed.

“I’m glad you guys are talking again,” I said. I knew that Maxx was working hard to repair his relationship with his brother. If they were spending time together, then he was getting somewhere.

“Yeah, well, I’d better get going.” He sounded sort of dismissive, but I chalked it up to his thinking about his evening with his brother.

That was all it could be.

Right?

“Okay, then,” I said, a little disappointed. I put the framed picture in my bedside drawer.

“I’ll come by in the morning to see you before heading into work. You can give me my surprise then,” Maxx suggested.

“Okay, sounds good. Have fun tonight.”

“I love you, Aubrey. Everything I do is for you. You know that, right?” Why was he asking me this? His question bothered me.

“Yeah, I know that. But I hope you’re doing it for you too,” I couldn’t help but say.

“I love you,” he repeated.

“I love you, too.”

I hung up the phone strangely disquieted. I pushed the feeling aside and walked out into the living room, an evening of nothing spread out before me.

I saw that Renee was also on the phone, a smile on her face. “I’ll see you in a little bit, then,” she was saying, and I tried not to eavesdrop, but I was nosy.