“I know.”

My chest aches with the heavy burden of sadness, apprehension, and the feeling of loss. A tear that I had managed to hold back behind my lids pushes its way out and runs slowly down my cheek before dropping and settling on Arianna’s shoulder.

“Sorry to interrupt, girls. Your cab will be here in a minute, Lotts,” Denham says softly from the doorway.

I take a huge breath and rub my palms on my thighs before standing up. “Okay, come here.” I gesture to Ari, opening my arms wide. She jumps up and into my arms, hugging me tight and burying her head in to my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ari,” I mumble into her hair. She responds with a nod and a sniffle. I pull back and place my hands on her cheeks and make her look at me. “You call me, day or night, if you need me for anything. Okay? Anything. I mean it, Ari.”

“I will, I promise.” She swipes at the tears tracing down her cheeks. “The same goes for you, too. Okay? You need money, or anything, you call me,” she insists.

“You got it.” I kiss her on the cheek and take a deep breath before grabbing my suitcase off of the bed. “This thing weighs a ton,” I mumble to myself as it drops to the floor with a thud. I grab the handle and wheel it toward Denham who is still standing in the doorway watching our emotional exchange with glistening eyes. He moves aside to let me pass, and I make it across the apartment to the door without looking back.

“Lotts?” Ari calls out as her and Denham follow behind me, and I turn to look at her.

“Yes, babe?” I answer, taking a deep breath.

“Are you sure I can’t change your mind?” she asks hopefully in a last ditch attempt to change my mind.

I laugh softly because that would be the easier option, wouldn’t it? I glance across the hall at the door to Spike’s apartment. “Nope,” I reply with a sigh. “I have to do this.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

I let go of my suitcase and step forward. “I know. But I have to do this, Ari.”

“If you’d just give him a little more time, I know he’d−”

“Don’t, Ari. I could give him weeks, months, but it wouldn’t change anything. He doesn’t want me.” Never have there been words that were harder to say out loud.

“He does want you,” she insists desperately. “He’s just too proud to admit it. He’s lost the use of his legs, Lottie. How do you expect him to feel?”

“Arianna,” I sigh.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry,” she pouts, “But, London is a nine hour flight away.” She steps forward and grabs my hands, holding them tightly.

“I know. I’ll video call you, all the time.”

“You better.” Ari lets go of my hands and flings her arms around my neck.

Do not cry. Do not cry. I chant this mantra in my head over and over, but it’s futile.

Denham joins in, encasing us in a group hug. When he feels Ari start sobbing, he pulls away.

“Okay, Lotts. You ready to go?” he asks, grabbing my suitcase for me.

I give a small nod. “I love you, Ari,” I whisper. The small voice is all I can manage without breaking down. I knew this would be hard. I had tried to prepare myself for Arianna’s tearful goodbye, but it’s killing me inside. I already feel incomplete without her. She nods, pulling her lips tight to stop the sobs from escaping and I give myself a pep talk. It’s not like I’m never coming back, or even that I’ll be gone that long, I think. But everything we’ve been through together makes this goodbye one of the hardest I’ve ever had to endure.

“Okay. I can’t do this with you standing at the door and crying like a baby.” I swipe the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath to try and compose myself. “You take care of her, D-man.” It’s actually the one thing I’m sure of. He’s so in love with Ari that he would lay down his life for her, and as much as this makes it easier for me to leave her, knowing she’s in safe hands, it also reminds me of what I’ve lost.

“Don’t you worry about Arianna. Take care of you, okay?” he says, rubbing my shoulder gently.

“Yep.”

“Call me if you need anything, day or night,” he orders, and his protectiveness over me makes this harder than just leaving Ari. I’m leaving a family behind, a family that was once mine.

“Yes, sir,” I sob, needing to get this over with now.

“You sure I can’t drive you to the airport?” he asks.

“Nope, cab’s waiting.” I step back and jab the elevator button. “Now please take my girl inside, shut the door, then screw her brains out to keep her from thinking about me, okay?” I request, pulling a laugh from both of them as Denham shakes his head at my unapologetic words.

“Okay,” he chuckles, stepping back from the threshold. “Take it easy, Lotts.”

“You too, D.”

“Love ya,” he says quietly, which somehow makes me cry harder.

“Uh huh,” I reply, swallowing hard and unable to form any more words.

I glance over to Spike’s door one last time. A tiny part of me thought he might be here when I left. I wanted him here, I think. And I don’t like the fact that we didn’t part as friends. Other than Ari, he was my best friend.

“I love you, Lottie!” Arianna calls out as the elevator doors start to close.

“I love you too, babe,” I call back just before the doors shut. Another small piece of me wishes Spike would stop me from leaving. I want him to chase after me, to tell me he loves me and that we will live happily ever after, but I tuck that little thought far away in the recesses of my mind. I know that’s just a fairytale ending and those don’t happen in my world.

Chapter 3

I shove the mug of coffee away from me and it hits the kitchen wall with a crash. The mug is broken beyond repair. There’s too many pieces to put it back together. Too much damage done to ever be the same again. “For fuck’s sake,” I curse through gritted teeth. I hadn’t intended on it breaking. I drop my head in my hands and fight with myself to keep a handle on my emotions. It’s all I seem to spend my days doing lately. Trying to keep it together, trying to convince myself that life will be worth living again, one day, maybe. But right now, I can’t see it. I can’t see anything but the blur of my life through the tears in my eyes.

“Spike, shit, are you okay?” Arianna comes rushing through the door, her eyes wide with panic.

“I’m fine.” I’m anything but fine, but what else is there to say?

“Let me help you.”

“NO!” I shout, instantly feeling guilty for making Arianna jump at my sharp tone of voice. “Please, Ari. I can sort it, okay?” She steps back, giving me space to wheel past her to get a cloth. I clear up the work top, picking up the shards of broken ceramic and dropping them in the sink. I feel Arianna watching me, her sorrow an ever present weight in the air around us.

“I’m sorry, Spike,” she whispers, dropping her chin to her chest.

“Ari … Just stop, okay?” I sigh, I don’t have enough strength to pick her up too.

“But−”

“No,” I interrupt bluntly. “It’s not your fault. That crazy motherfucker would have done something sooner or later. It was always in the cards; we just didn’t know it. So enough with the apologies.” Dread pours over me as I realize that although I suffered at the hands of Jonny, it could have been much worse, it could have been Lottie. That car came so close to hitting her. It could have been me watching her life disintegrate in front of my eyes and that would have been a thousand times more torturous than suffering it myself. I will gladly take this burden if it means that she’s okay.

“Lottie just left,” she says quietly and it’s clear that it feels raw for her. She looks tired and I begin to think of everything she’s been through recently too.

“I know.” I heard her leave. I listened as she said her goodbyes and the elevator doors closed. I fought to keep my heart beating, even it felt like it was being ripped out of my chest and she was taking it with her.