“You could have−”

“Don’t even say it, Arianna,” I warn, giving her a stern look. “It’s bad enough that I have to live with this shitty existence day to day. I won’t do that to her too.”

“Spike,” she huffs. I know she’s frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with me. But I’ve made this decision feeling certain that it’s the right one for Lottie.

“It’s not up for discussion. She’s free to live her life now, and when she chooses, she will have a man that can be a man for her. She will find someone that can treat her how she deserves to be treated.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, but maybe if I repeat this in my head, it will eventually become easier.

“What if someone treats her like dirt?” Ari challenges.

“Then I’ll find that person and make them wish that they were never born.”

“She’s leaving for London, Spike. London!” She flings her arms wildly in front of her, and I feel her frustration. I can only assume Lottie chose to go to London as it was far away from me. I hate the fact that I made her feel like she had to fly across the world to be free of me, but I had no choice but to push her away.

“Don’t you think I know that, Ari? Don’t you think it’s going to kill me not to see her beautiful face every day? Not to hear her voice … Fuck me. I love her, I fucking love her more than life itself. Which is why I have to let her go. She deserves more than I can give her and I’m no use to her like this.” The words pour out of me. It’s the first time I’ve let anyone have a glimpse into how I’m feeling. Ari comes to stand behind the wheelchair and wraps her arms tightly around me, resting her chin on my shoulder.

“I love you, Spike. You’re wrong about not being enough for her. I wish you could see it.” Her quiet voice sounds heavy, weighted with sadness and tragedy.

“I don’t expect you to understand, Ari.” I shake my head gently.

“I know. But I’m trying to,” she says before kissing me on the cheek and releasing her monkey grip.

“My brother got lucky when he met you.” I reach back and place my hand on hers which is still on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’ve made him happy.”

One door closes and another one opens. What if his happiness was dependent on someone else’s misery? What if this is the way the world balances things out? I push those philosophical thoughts away, scolding myself for delving so deep. I never used to be so cynical, but life has a way of testing your strength by showing you your weaknesses. I’ve only ever had two weaknesses. My family and Lottie.

“Okay. I have some things I need to get done. Do you need me for anything?” Ari asks.

“Where is she staying?” I question. I was too absorbed in my thoughts of Lottie leaving that I never thought to ask where exactly she’s going.

“What?” Ari asks, confused.

“Lottie. Where is she staying when she gets to London?” She looks at the ground guiltily and my heart lurches. “Ari, tell me.”

“She didn’t have it figured out. She has a room at the hotel next to the airport for the first day, and then she was going to go in to the city. She wanted to travel freely.” She shrugs and flings her arms out. Lottie would have been adamant at this and I know she wouldn’t have let Arianna argue with her over it.

“That fucking girl is so stubborn,” I grate out through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, you know exactly what she’s like.” She smirks a little, and I shake my head.

“Yeah. I do.” The silence stretches between us as thoughts work overtime in my head. I contemplate calling Lottie and berating her for worrying everyone with her desire to be free, but I can hardly be so hypocritical after the worry I’ve caused everyone over the last couple of months.

“Okay, I gotta go. I’m sure Denham will be in to see you later after your therapist has been here. You good?”

“Yeah,” I answer, musing to myself exactly how stubborn Lottie really is. “Ari?”

“Yeah,” she answers as she’s just about to open the door to leave.

“I’m sorry for biting your head off.” I offer a small smile and she takes it, giving me one right back.

I clear up the kitchen as best as I can, then make a start on some paperwork that is long overdue. Eight weeks of correspondence, untouched and unwanted, but I can’t ignore it forever. No matter how hard I try, I can’t focus on anything. My movements are still limited with the back brace I have to wear day and night, and I’m secured to the wheelchair in case I slip forward or fall out.

Fall out of a fucking wheelchair. I shake my head at that thought.

Fuck my life and this shitty existence.

Despite the millions of things running through my head, my mind continually wanders to Lottie. It was easier when she was in Vegas. I knew Denham could look out for her and take care of anything she needed, but now she doesn’t have anyone to turn to. I can’t help thinking about what she’s doing right now. Has her flight left? And damn, where the hell is she going to stay after tonight? She has the outlook of a teenager. She never thinks further than the end of her nose if she can possibly help it, and always lives life to the fullest. It’s what attracted me to her in the first place. She has such a zest for life, a rose tinted outlook and a pure heart. Granted, to go along with that she also has a big mouth and is totally unapologetic with what comes out of it. I chuckle out loud, thinking of happy times. Happy memories to hold on to. Shit, I can’t sit here knowing that she could be out on the cold streets of London, vulnerable to anything and anyone. And I’ll be here, being fucking useless, restricted to this wheelchair. So I make a phone call to a friend of mine who is probably the only person I know in the whole of England. I know this is interfering in her life, and it’s not what she wants me to do. But I have to.

Feeling happier that I’ve done something to quell my rising fear of Lottie’s safety, I try and figure out how to get her to accept the help. I know she won’t do it if it comes from me so I need Ari to help me out. I grab my cell to call Ari to come over, which I then realize is unfair and just plain lazy. I can go across the hall to them. Sounds simple. But I haven’t left this apartment on my own since I came back here two weeks ago. Denham has driven me to the hospital for a couple of medical appointments but the panic overcame me both times. Leaving the safety of the apartment and going out in to the open caused me more stress and anxiety than I ever thought I could experience. People everywhere. Noise so insistent and invasive that I thought it was going to send me over the edge. It felt like everyone was looking at me, staring at the cripple. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The mere sound of a revved engine or an approaching car sent me in to a tailspin. The air was stolen from my lungs. My vision tunneled causing me to feel extremely dizzy even though I was strapped so tightly to my wheelchair that I could hardly move, and the sounds of the world moving around me echoed and whirred through my ears in a haze. I’ve suffered panic attacks of the worst form, so not only was I paralyzed physically, I was fucking useless emotionally too. Fucking useless.

But I want to do this one thing, for Lottie. So I take a deep breath and wheel my chair to the door. Step by step. I can do this. It’s just across the hall. What’s the worst that can happen?

I force myself to open the door. It’s nothing I haven’t done before, but I fix my eyes down the hall at Denham and Arianna’s door. The broken part of my brain is screaming at me to turn back. The old, determined me says it’s not a fucking marathon, it’s down the hall. Just man up and do it for your girl.

Shit. Not my girl anymore, but I have to do this for her nonetheless.