The water is rough today, mimicking the feelings coursing through me. As the waves crash ashore, the spray blows against me, coating my skin in a sheen of salt mixed with water. It's both refreshing and annoying. It's causing my skin to itch, but I'm glad for the sensation at the same time. I feel it. I feel something other than the despair that's been encompassing me.

I stand under the spray of the shower much longer than I need to. The salt is gone. The sweat is gone. My body feels clean and refreshed, but the thought of starting my day consumes me. Once I shut the water off, get dressed and emerge from my room, the darkness will be real. I only have a few hours before I have to face reality. I want to make those hours pass as slowly as I can.

Wrapped in a towel, I make my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. My mind is focused on what I'm going to wear today. Black skirt or black dress? Do I even bother to put on mascara? Oh! I have a new black pinstriped pantsuit I can wear. That will look nice with my favorite boots, the ones I bought when I went to visit Elliot that first time in New York.

"Good Morning." Will's voice catches me off guard. He's sitting at the counter, a cup of coffee in his hand. I assumed he went home when I didn't find him in my bed after my run. I was wrong.

"Hey. I didn't know you were still here." I reach up and carefully grab a mug from the cupboard, holding my towel to ensure that it doesn't slide down.

"I hope that's okay. I figured you went for a run so I made some coffee since it seems like Felicity always makes the coffee."

"That's fine." There's an awkward silence. Felicity does make the coffee. We also always sit out on the porch and catch up in the mornings. Feeling slightly awkward, I lean against the counter and blow on my cup causing the steam to rise. My lack of clothing is a problem for me. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "I'm going to get dressed for the funeral. Will you still be here when I come back?"

He puts his coffee down and tilts his head, studying me for a minute before he answers. "Do you want me to be?"

I don't know the answer to that. In a way, I do. At the same time, I don't. I have enough on my plate today. Adding Will into the mix will either help or hurt my situation. I would love for him to be there for the support. He has a way about him that calms me and makes me believe that everything is eventually going to be alright. The depression and anger are still there, but it doesn't consume me when he's around.

I don't know what to tell him so I don't answer. I smile at him and take my coffee back to my room to get ready for what is bound to be the worst day of my life thus far. Looking at myself in the mirror I see a version of myself I haven't seen in a long time.

Staring back at me is a much younger, less confident, scared Reagan. It's as if I've rewound time ten years. If only that were possible. I would save Elliot and Felicity from the crash. I would have introduced them back in college. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back.

Thinking about college and all the wasted time makes me think of Luke. I know I'll be seeing him in a few hours. I didn't ask James if he was in town, I assumed. I can't imagine him not coming home for Elliot's funeral. No matter his reasons for not coming home until now, this is different. Elliot was his brother, his best friend. He'll be there. If he's not... well then he's not the person I've been in love with anymore. The Luke I've loved most of my life is a caring person who always put others needs ahead of his own.

I blow out my hair and pull it back in a bun. My contacts don't want to cooperate so I slip my glasses on. I do my best to hide the bags under my eyes with concealer and look decent. The final result is less than glamorous, but it's not about being glamorous today. It's about remembering Elliot and he's a large part of the person that I used to be and an even bigger part of the person that I've become.

Will is waiting in the kitchen for me when I come out. He must have run home while I was getting ready because he's freshly showered and dressed for the funeral. He looks nice. Better than nice, actually. I take notice of how attractive Will is. His eyes are the lightest shade of hazel and they contrast nicely with his dark brown, almost black, hair.

"Thanks for being here today. I hope you know that it means a lot to me." I try to sound appreciative, but I fall short. I wish I sounded more sincere, but I only have two emotions today. Sad and destroyed.

"You're welcome. I know Elliot meant a lot to you and I want to help in any way that I can. Today, tomorrow or next week. Whenever you need me for as long as you'll let me help."

His looks are mild in comparison to his personality. He has to be one of the nicest people I have ever met. He's much nicer to me than I deserve. I never expected him to talk to me after our first disaster of a date let alone be here for me like he has been the last week. Words will never be able to express my gratitude, but I'll find a way to try. Not today but soon.

The drive to the funeral home is solemn. I stare out the window and watch as life goes on around us. There’s a couple holding hands, waiting to cross the street. I see a mother and her daughter walking down the sidewalk eating ice cream. There's a man in a suit talking on his cell phone looking distressed.

Life goes on. Mine will. Felicity's will. Elliot's won't. He lived his life to the fullest while he was here, no regrets, but it was still cut too short in my opinion.

We're a few minutes early so I search for James and find him standing in front of the casket. The casket is closed as I expected. If the accident was even half as bad as the paper reported it, as I've imagined it over and over again, his casket would need to be closed. I would love to see my friend one last time but it wouldn't be the same and I don't want to remember him that way. I have pictures to help me always remember the Elliot that I grew up with. The Elliot that I loved. The man that I want to remember.

I stop a few feet away from him, my eyes trained on the back of his head and not the casket. I can't get any closer. Will takes my hand and squeezes it for support. I needed it just then and he knew somehow. "James." He doesn't turn around, only nods. "I've decided I would like to say a few words if that's okay with you still."

"I think he would like that, Reagan. Thank you." His head drops to his chest as he speaks. I can't imagine the sorrow that he feels right now. I'm sure it pales in comparison to mine and the sorrow that I feel is indescribable.

I leave him to mourn in peace. Will and I take a seat and wait in silence for the funeral to start. I watch as past acquaintances from high school pay their respects to the family. No one seems to notice me and I'm grateful. I'm not in the mood to make small talk.

The pastor walks behind the podium and people find their seats. The Evans family takes their seats in the front row. It hits me that there is not one but two of their children missing. I'm surprised to see that Luke is not with the family. Whatever his reasons for not coming home will never be good enough to excuse him from this. Times like these tell a lot about a person's character. This moment will define him. I hope he understands that.

The pastor says a prayer and then a few nice words about Elliot. James heads to the podium. We all wait for him to speak and when he doesn't, I take it as a sign that I need to help him out. I need to be strong for him like Will has been strong for me. I make my way to the podium at quickly as possible. I've never enjoyed being the center of attention and right now I can feel all eyes on me. I hug James and whisper in his ear. "I've got this."