Who am I kidding? I could barely bring myself to tell Elliot all those years ago. I would never have told Will if Luke hadn't shown up.

"I'm managing. Thanks for asking."

"I'm worried about you."

"I know. I'll get through this." I get the feeling he's not referring to Elliot or the funeral. He knows more than he's letting on.

"Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't think so but thank you." I'm going to have to talk about it with him eventually. No matter what decisions I make, I'm going to have to let go of Will. If I choose Luke, if I pursue him after everything is said and done, I'm going to have to tell Will everything. If I don't choose Luke, I'll probably still let Will go and he'll want answers. It's not fair to him to keep him in the dark. I push myself off the sand and wipe my hands on my shorts. "I'm going to head back to the house. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Do you want company?"

I cringe before quickly forcing a smile. Hopefully, he couldn't see my face. "Not tonight."

"Okay. Goodnight then." Will stands and pulls me in for a hug. I resist the urge to push him away and instead wrap my arms around him. It'll be the last time. I let him savor the moment before I pull back and start back towards my house. "Reagan," he calls.

"Yeah," I stop and turn towards him.

"Do you still love him?"

He must have listened longer than he let on if he's asking me that question. I wish I had an answer for him, but I don't. I wish I had the courage to tell him everything. "I don't know."

Without waiting for a response, I turn my back to him and head home. There are more letters waiting for me, but I don't think I'm up to reading them tonight. I need to figure out how I feel about Luke and what I want before I read anymore. I won't let this be about him. The only way to separate the two would be to make a decision without knowing everything.

I rinse the sand off of me in the shower and head to bed.

I grab my phone and listen to my voice mails. Felicity called me twice earlier. She sounds depressed. I'd already planned to visit her in the morning so I'll talk to her then. They are planning on releasing her in a few days. Her parents tried to convince her to go back home with them, but she's putting up a fight. She wants to stay here. I love her for that, but I want her to be happy too.

There are memories of Elliot here. I see him everywhere I turn. I know she will too. This is the place they met for the first time. The place where they fell in love. I'm barely holding it together. She's always been stronger than me in so many ways. I hope for her sake that this is one of those times that her strength shines through.

Sleep eludes me for most of the night. I move to the couch and turn on the television. The letters are calling to me. I read one, cry my eyes out and then try to sleep. The cycle repeats itself until the sun comes up. My eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles under them. I can hide the imperfections with makeup but not the eyes. They tell the world my story.

Felicity is sleeping when I finally make it to the hospital. Against my better judgment, I read a few more letter before taking a shower. I had a meltdown. I let it all out. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

I answer a few work emails while I wait for Felicity to wake up. Her parents are nowhere to be found which I'm grateful for. I'm sure her mother would be concerned with the way I look right now. I don't need for her to worry about me. She needs to focus all her energy on her own daughter.

"You look like shit," Felicity says, her voice still groggy from sleep.

"You didn't even want to try and sugar-coat that?" Her smile lights up the room and she pushes herself into a sitting position. "I tried to hide it with makeup, but apparently I didn't do a very good job."

"You covered your face just fine, but I know you better than that. Your posture gave you away. You never slouch your shoulders forward unless you're sad."

Damn! I didn't realize I had a tell. Leave it to Felicity to wait this long to point it out.

"What can I say? You hide your emotions better than I do."

"Not really. I'm having a good day. That's the reason I tried calling you a few times last night. Where were you?"

Let the inquisition begin...

"Luke showed up."

There is a mix of emotions that cross her face in less than a second. I see shock and sorrow. Joy and agony. By the time she gets control of herself, her uncertainty is all that's left. I let my words sink in for another second before I continue.

"I'm okay if you were wondering."

"You're here so there's that."

"Yes. I got out of bed this morning, or rather off the couch. I didn't sleep because I couldn't get my brain to shut off and I skipped my morning run but otherwise I'm fine."

"What did he have to say? What was it like seeing him again?" She's starting to rapid fire questions so I put my hands up in protest.

"One question at a time. It was weird seeing him, talking to him. It was almost like no time had passed but at the same time it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. He's different. Not in a good or bad way, just different." I pause, giving her a second to catch up. I'm not sure my words make any sense to her. When she nods, I continue. "He apologized. That's about all. I yelled a bit, he explained a bit. Nothing really came out of the situation to be honest with you. I'm just as confused this morning as I have been for years."

"I wondered if he would try to talk to you. James came to visit a few days ago and said that he was going to be at the funeral. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he didn't show. I was worried about you when you didn't answer last night."

"I'm sorry. I didn't hear my phone ring. After he left I went for a walk and didn't think to bring it with me." Felicity is chewing on her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact. That's her tell. Something is on her mind and she's afraid to say it. "Out with it. What are you thinking about?"

"Will." I cringe when I hear his name. "Have you at least talked to him?"

"I ran into him on the beach last night. I promised him I would call him today, but I don't have an answer for him yet. I'm supposed to talk to Luke today, too. He leaves tomorrow night to head back east and I have at least a hundred letters to read still."

"Letters?" Felicity's curiosity is peeked. I wasn't going to mention the letters.

We talk for another hour before the doctor comes in. I end up giving her the play by play of what happened last night from the time Luke showed up to the time I woke up this morning. I share a little bit of what's in the letters I've read so far with her. She acts as my sounding board as we bounce options back and forth as to what I could do, what I should do and what I want to do.

By the time I head back to the house, I still haven't made a decision. I contemplate my options the entire way home. I can try and make things work with Luke, picking up where we left off, giving us the chance that we've both wanted for all these years. I would have to forgive him completely. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that or capable of doing that right now.

I can accept Luke's apology and we can try and start fresh. We're both different people than we were back then. We've grown up but have we grown apart? Both of those options require one of us to move. I'm not willing to try and make things work, starting over or not, from a distance.