Or, lastly, we can try and be friends and nothing more. I'm not sure I was built to be just friends with Luke. There was a time, before puberty, that I saw him as just a friend, but that was so long ago. I'm not sure I even remember what it's like to not have feelings for him.

I have Will to consider in all of this too. The only option that includes Will is if Luke and I try to be friends. There's no room for him in my life otherwise. Do I want him in my life, though? Hasn't he just been a fill-in like the others? If I have Luke, do I really need Will?

WILL IS WAITING for me on the back porch when I emerge for my run. I'm not surprised to see him. I expected him to call hours ago. If he's anything, it's predictable. And impatient. The man doesn't give up easily.

"You didn't call."

"So you thought you would just show up and I'd be ready to talk?" The frustration with my current situation is apparent in every word I speak. I'm not frustrated with Will or even Luke. I'm frustrated with myself. I can't make a decision. I don't know what I want.

Will takes a step back as if I've slapped him. "I'm sorry."

"No, Will. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I've got a lot on my mind and I haven't slept much. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"I get it. You just lost your best friend and then the love of your life shows back up and rattles your cage. I want to help, but you won't let me in."

How does he know so much?

"There's nothing you can do."

"You don't know that. Why don't you let me at least try? Give me a chance." His plea is not about helping me. The way he says it tells me everything I need to know. He listened to our conversation last night. From the time he showed up until the time Luke left. I'm not exactly sure what he heard, but it was enough to know about my history with Luke and put the pieces together.

"I'm not sure what you heard last night, but you don't know what you're talking about."

"I know you love him. I know he's probably the reason that you won't let me in."

I want to disagree with him, but it's pointless. I'm not going to lie to him to save face. He's pushing me for answers and it's time I gave him them. I take a seat at the table and he follows suit, sitting directly across from me. He reaches for my hands, but I pull them back and place them in my lap under the table.

"You deserve the truth. I do love Luke. I always have. I've known him my entire life and I don't remember a time when I wasn't head over heels in love with him. Then he went away. He joined the Marines when I was still in high school. I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost ten years." I have to pause when I feel myself getting choked up. "No one knew how we felt about each other, not even Elliot. We hid it from everyone at first because it seemed forbidden. We use to write each other letters, but his letters stopped coming after my first year at Yale. I didn't know why, they just stopped. He was letting me go. He wanted me to live my life and be happy and he didn't think he would be able to make me happy.

"He's the only man I've ever wanted. He turns me inside out with just one look, one kiss. I dated in college, a lot. I kissed a lot of boys. Yes, boys. None of them even came close to making me feel the way Luke made me feel. So I would move on to the next. It was a cycle. Not one that I'm proud of looking back now but it was the way things were. No one was good enough. No one measured up. I was comparing them all to Luke. I couldn't help myself."

"What about me?" Will interrupts.

"You came the closest. I've felt things for you that I haven't felt for anyone else. I let you in longer than anyone else."

"You said came. Past tense."

"I... I guess I did." I stutter out. I didn't realize that I had placed him in a group with the others. Will is a good guy. I never meant to hurt him but judging by the look on his face, I have. "You deserve better than me, Will. You deserve someone who can give you all of themselves, their whole heart. I can't offer you that. I can't offer anyone that. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never asked for it back. I don't want it back. It belongs to Luke, it always has."

Will stands and walks towards the steps. I think for a second that he's going to leave, but he doesn't. He turns back towards the table and starts pacing. Back and forth. Table to steps. Steps to table. He's not saying anything. His body language, however, speaks volumes.

He stops abruptly and turns towards me. His smile is grim, forced. "What can I do to change your mind? I'm in love with you, Reagan. I have been since the moment I met you."

I want to give him the magic answer he's looking for, but I don't have it. Nothing I say will make this easier on him. Nothing he says will change my mind. I don't love Will. If there was never Luke, he might have a fighting chance but that's not the case.

Will interprets my silence the way I hoped that he would. He bows his head and takes the steps two at a time until he's on the beach, walking slowly away from the house. I watch him as he goes. When he disappears from view I let my head fall into my hands and I cry. Not for my loss but for his. I know that I've broken his heart. I've hurt him and I never intended too. Even the best of intentions can go awry from time to time, though.

I don't have the energy to go for a run anymore. I don't have the energy to get up from my seat. This has been the most emotionally draining week of my life.

I allow myself to think about Elliot. What would he tell me to do? Would he want me to take a leap of faith and repair my relationship with Luke? Isn't that what he was trying to do for me? For the both of us? He's the one who invited Luke to town with the intentions of reuniting us. He's the one that put the wheels in motion.

I can feel him watching over me right now. I imagine the smug grin on his face. He knows the right answer, but he's not here to share. He's not here to tell me what I should do. I can't bounce ideas or thoughts off him anymore. He was my sounding board. He and Felicity but mainly him.

Felicity is getting released in the morning. She asked me to wash her sheets for her, but not her pillow cases. I'm assuming they might still smell like Elliot. I can't blame her for wanting to keep his memory alive as long as possible. I know it's not good for her, but we all cope in our own ways. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm coping.

Will was a big part of that. He helped me through the unimaginable and I destroyed him in the process. I'm a horrible person. I'm selfish and destructive. To others and to myself. I've been this way for years, but there was a time when I was a good person, a better person. Before Luke. Before I let myself get so wrapped up in him and the way I felt for him.

I force myself to get up. I need to clean the house and get it ready for Felicity to come home. I start by washing her sheets. I'm on autopilot. The bathroom is next. Another load of laundry. Vacuum the floors. Load and unload the dishwasher. Another load of laundry. Dust the living room. Go to the grocery store. Put the laundry away and start another load.

It's dark by the time I finish, but the house is spotless. Except the coffee table. It's still littered with letters, piled in small stacks, waiting for me to attend to them.

I stare at them from across the room. Do I really need to read anymore? Can't I figure out what I want to do without knowing every detail of Luke's life the last ten years? Does it matter what he felt when we were apart? It shouldn't. It should only matter how he feels now. How I feel now.