As long as we still feel the same way...

I do. I love him. He hasn't left my mind since he walked back into my life. The truth of the matter is that he hasn't left my mind in the ten years we've been apart. There's always been something or someone that's reminded me of him. Things that I've seen that I would think "Luke would love this" or "I wish Luke was here to see this."

As if he knew that I was thinking about him, my phone rings with a North Carolina area code. I contemplate not answering, but I know that he'll either call me right back or come over.

"Luke."

"Reagan," he teases, taking the same serious tone with me that I just used. "Are you busy?"

"Not really. I just finished cleaning. Felicity is coming home tomorrow. I was trying to decide if I had the energy to go for a run or not." Oh! And I'm staring at your letters, trying to decide if I want to read them or not. Trying to decide if I can handle reading them or not.

"I'm on my way over. I hope that's okay with you." It doesn't sound like I have much of a choice.

"Sure. I'll leave the back door open for you. I'm going to change and go for a run." At least this way I'll have time to clear my head before he gets here. If that's possible.

"Alone? At night?" You can hear his disapproval loud and clear. I guess he forgot that I've grown up since we last saw each other. Well, let me remind him.

"Yes, Luke. Alone. It's what I do. It's what I've been doing for years now. In case you weren't aware, I can take care of myself."

"I get that, Reagan. I know you can take care of yourself. I see that you take very good care of yourself and your body. I'm just worried about the random people that might like what they see as much as I do." He's always had a way of turning things around on me. It's not about me being able to take care of myself. It's about the crazy people in this world that might prey on me. He has a valid point, but I'm determined not to give in to him.

"I'll see you when I get back from my run. I'm leaving in five minutes so if I'm not back in a half hour, send out the search party." I hang up on him so that I don't have to debate the topic.

He's waiting for me on the porch when I return. To the average observer, you would think that he's waiting patiently. I know him better than that. He's pissed. I can see it in his eyes. His lips are squeezing together, forming a straight line, his jaw clenched shut.

I ignore him and make my way into the kitchen for a bottle of water. I pushed myself too hard. I knew Luke would be here when I got back and I rushed. I wanted to see him but with my lack of sleep, my muscles started to revolt half way home. I had to slow down and walk the last hundred yards.

"Are you going to ignore me or are we going to talk?" Luke's voice is dangerously close.

I turn around to find him seated at the counter. Stealthy ninja. I didn't hear him come in, let alone sit down. The Marines have taught him a few tricks apparently. I wonder what else he learned.

I shake my head, pushing away the naughty ideas my body was coming up with. If I let myself think like that before we figure this out I might never be able to make a decision.

"I leave tomorrow afternoon, Reagan. Will you please talk to me?"

"I will. I need to shower first, though. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few minutes." I now have ten minutes to figure out what I want to say to him. As I'm about to close the bathroom door behind me I remember the letters. They're still on the coffee table. I need to pick those up.

I backtrack and find Luke standing over the coffee table, studying the piles. There's one letter, the one I read just before the sun rose this morning, sitting open on top. He picks it up and scans it. A small smile begins to spread across his face. I wonder what he's thinking.

February 14, 2007

Reagan,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I was there to take you out for a nice dinner tonight and celebrate with you. I thought about sending you flowers, but I talked myself out of it. I haven't sent you a letter in over six months. Sending flowers didn't make sense. I don't want to confuse you more than I'm sure you already are.

One day, I will buy you flowers. Day lilies are your favorite if I remember right. White ones. That's what I'll buy you. Chocolate too. For our first Valentine's Day together.

We will have that one day, Reagan. I hope you realize that I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us. I'm not sure how long it'll take but when we are finally together, it will make all the years apart worth every painful moment.

Until then...

Always in my heart,

Luke

MY SHOWERS ARE normally relaxing. Not today. Today all I can think about while washing the sand and sweat from my body is the fact that Luke is in the other room. He's waiting for me. We need to talk. I've played this conversation over and over again in my mind for years. It's never ended the same way twice. Probably because I never thought this day would ever come. I've held onto the hope that it would for years, but that's all I held onto. Hope.

Hope is the equelivent of a wish. Wishes don't come true without a little help. You have to put in the time and energy to make wishes come true. We don't have time and I'm out of energy.

I towel off and throw on a fresh pair of running shorts. I notice the letters are missing when I pass through the living room. It doesn't surprise me to find Luke sitting on the patio, reading them. They're his words, his stories.

"I remember writing every single one of these." He says as I take the seat across from him. "This one was written from Japan. I spent six months over there."

He hands me the letter. I can't read it in front of him so I set it aside. I'll read it later after he's gone.

"This one," he says waving another letter in the air before handing it to me. "This one was the first letter I wrote you after I found out you moved back here. Every single one of these reminds me of the places I've been, places that I would like to show you someday. They remind me of you, of that day in the woods. Mostly, I think about the times when things were simpler. There was a time in my life when I didn't have to worry about you because you were with me, right next door. Distance wasn't an issue."

"That was so long ago, Luke."

"I know. If the distance wasn't an issue..." He lets his voice fade into the darkness. I know what he's asking me, but I don't know the answer to the question.

"I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about you, about us. In my mind, things can be perfect but we've never had that kind of luck."

We're both silent for a while. There's so much that I want to say, questions that I want to ask. I crave answers, but I'm afraid of what they might be at the same time. There is one thing that I need to know, however.

"I need to know why, Luke. What's the real reason you let go?"

"Right before you graduated high school, I freaked out about seeing you. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for you any longer. Elliot was going to be furious with me. I had broken my promise to him. I decided to skip coming home to avoid another fight with Elliot.

"After that, it got harder and harder to hear from you. I don't think I knew what I was doing at first. I tried to push my feelings for you away, but they wouldn't budge. You had captured my heart, Reagan. I couldn't let you go, but I knew it was unfair to you. I wanted you to wait for me. I wanted to be with you. If I let you waste away your life, waiting on me to come home, I would never forgive myself. That's when I stopped writing.