Thinking about them together, hanging out, is driving me crazy. My mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on anything. Time needs to go faster so I can get back to Rochester and Bayleigh. The hollowness in my chest and the empty, off, feeling in the pit of my stomach hits me full force.

Finishing my run, I lift some weights to release my anger and frustration. Luckily I’m the only one here, because no one wants to be near me right now. After a few sets, I grab a towel from the rack and go back to my room. It’s pretty late when I get back and I can’t sleep. Jumping in the shower, I let the water relax my muscles. My head is against the shower wall. All I can think about is her with my fucking brother.

Stepping out of the shower, I put on my sweatpants and white tee when I hear a knock on the door. Opening the door, I see Anna standing before me with her hair tied in a loose bun wearing yoga pants and a tank.

“Hi,” I say, not sure how I sound. I wonder what she’s doing here and what’s going on. “Come in.”

“Sorry for barging in,” she stops to say as she walks in and makes her way to the couch. When she sits down, I notice her leg bouncing and I’m not sure what’s going on or what she has to say. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“Everything,” she looks up and gazes at me, “everything,” she repeats. “I know you think I’m a slut or whatever and I know you’re in love with Bayleigh.”

“Anna, I’m not sure where this is going.”

“I’m not sure either. I hate that you can’t talk to me and being around me makes you sick.”

Instead of sitting next to her, I walk to the desk and lean on the edge. She sounds sincere and I feel bad for the way I treated her. “I get it. But you have to accept I’m not available. I know last year was confusing and I led you on. I’m sorry for that.”

“I want to be friends,” she explains, “really I do. I miss our talks.”

“Yeah,” I agree, “but you can’t talk about wanting more or needing me. I’ll be your friend and that’s all I can give you.”

Anna stands up and walks to me, placing her hand on mine. “She’s lucky, you know. I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you.”

“Thanks,” and I mean it.

“Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for listening.” I nod my head and watch her leave the room.

Taking out my phone, I send Bayleigh a text.

Me: Sweet dreams

It’s simple and to the point. I don’t want to be romantic or sweet with her. She has to know I can be friends for now. Just hope she can be ready soon and not fall for him.

The next few days are a blur. Anna and I are working on a project and to my surprise, she’s acting like my friend and not someone who wants to have sex with me. It’s easy to work with her when she’s not eye fucking me.

Watching her study the report, she leans over and lies on her stomach while I sit at my desk on the computer.

“Why are you in that position?”

“I think better this way,” she responds. “So, can we take a break?”

Looking up from my computer, I stare at the stacks of binders on my desk. As much as I love working and meeting deadlines, these trainings and presentations are kicking my ass. A break sounds great, but so does this promotion that can open doors for me and for Bayleigh.

“We have to finish,” I urge Anna, turning back to the computer and grabbing another binder.

“No,” she tells me, “we’re going on a walk and clearing our heads. If I’m seeing double, then you’re seeing triple. Come on,” she whines and it’s getting on my nerves.

“Fine.” Getting up from my desk, we head outside and for once, I have to say Anna has a point. Walking to the park across the street, I breathe in the California air and let it back out.

“See, I told you this was needed. You feel better, huh?”

“A little.” I hate agreeing with her. “You were right.”

“Why, thank you,” she smiles and we keep walking. “Are you excited to go back home soon?”

“I am. Nervous though,” I laugh, “with my brother back and Bayleigh still not telling me what’s on her mind, I’m not sure what I’m walking back into.”

I’ve been talking to Anna about Bayleigh and Ryan. She listens and doesn’t offer too much advice. Between talking to her and Serena, I feel a little better every day, but it doesn’t take away from the odd ache I feel deep inside. When I go back home, things aren’t going to be the same and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.

“So that’s all you have to do,” Damon explains to me, pulling out a chair in the conference office. “Any questions?”

I look up and glance at the notes I wrote during our meeting. “I don’t think so, Damon. It’s pretty easy.” I relax and set down my notepad. “Everything’s been going really well. I’m so happy to be here.”

“I am glad you are here too,” he points at me and laughs. “You have this energy about you, Bayleigh. It’s rare.”

“Energy?”

“Yep. Energy. When you’re around, people feel safe and they feel good. Me? I feel incredible. Keep up with that energy and whatever you need, let me know.” He pats my shoulder and I follow him out.

I think about his energy statement and it makes me feel better. The work day goes by pretty fast and Damon’s been keeping me busy with scheduling and cancelling appointments, reviewing his notes and pretty much anything he needs.

“What’s with the face?” Mandy plops down on the chair and crosses her legs. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just keeping busy. Some of these notes aren’t making sense. So I’m going over it before asking Damon what I wrote,” I laugh and put away my file. “So, are you ready to fess up?”

“No.” She sits down and crosses her legs. “Nothing to report. I’m not interesting at this moment. You are.”

“Not talking about it Mandy.”

“Oh come on!”

For the past few days, I’ve been with Ryan. We’re hanging out at the lake or going out to dinner. Things are interesting and I’m not sure how to put all my thoughts and feelings together. He still hasn’t told me the reason for his unexpected return and I haven’t asked. Instead of having nightmares about Tony, I’m dreaming about Ryan in ways that aren’t good. In my dreams, he’s kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.

“I can see right through you,” Mandy states. “Are you falling for him?” I shrug. I really shouldn’t be. It’s been Tyler and it’ll always be Tyler.

“Happy hour starts in ten minutes.” Mandy points at her watch and gives me a wink before leaving my office. “And don’t think I’m letting this go either.”

Happy hour.

Drinks.

Bar.

People.

I feel my heart beating and my breathing hitting overdrive. I’ll be with Mandy and it’ll be fine. I’m a grown woman and there’s nothing to be afraid of.

We get to Black and Blue and Mandy orders us a dirty martini. I sit outside on the patio, and take out my phone. I haven’t texted Tyler yet. I look at his last message from early this morning and wonder why he was up.

Me: Happy hour right now for me . . . How’s work?

Ty: Busy as hell. How are you? We haven’t talked

Me: I know and I’m sorry . . . Been busy at work, working out, hanging out with Mandy and Ryan

Ty: Sounds fun. Are you hanging out with Mandy and Ryan or hanging out with them separately

I cringe with his question. I’ve never lied to him and I don’t want to now. The topic of Ryan with Tyler is hard because of their fight and hate for one another. Every time I bring up Tyler to Ryan, he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk. I’ve never understood their fight and no one ever wants to explain it to me.

Me: Separately . . . Don’t be mad

Ty: Ok

And he’s mad. Great.

“Here ya go, girly!” Mandy says, sitting down and handing my drink to me. “Cheers to figuring life out.” We clink glasses and I take a sip. The alcohol feels good sliding down my throat. It’s been a while since I’ve had a drink. Drinking makes me lose control and I don’t like that feeling. I always have to be in control.