“What a beautiful day out,” I say, looking around again, putting on my sunglasses. Even though Rochester has the wackiest weather, today isn’t bad. “What’s going on with you?”

“Oh you know,” her voice trails off and she takes a drink. “Loving Damon and trying to get him to commit to me. He says he’s giving me everything he can and I can either take it or leave it. For now, I’m taking it.” Her eyes look away from mine.

“Why won’t he commit?”

“I don’t know to be honest. He mentioned an ex and I think she fucked with his head and now he’s scared of any sort of commitment, so he busies himself with work and at night and on weekends, that’s our time.”

“So, what exactly are you guys?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t want to label it.”

I reach out for Mandy’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry you’re confused. I wish I had advice. But if you want my opinion, I think he likes you more than he’s letting on. I saw the way he looked at you, girl. He’s totally falling for you.”

“I hope so. I mean, it’s been a year,” her voice trails off again and she finishes her drink.

“A year?”

“Sorry! I’m not even supposed to talk about it. I need to though, because my head is so fucked up. Like, I don’t know what to do. I want more and he won’t give me more.”

“Then talk to him,” I tell her, “tell him how you’re feeling.”

“Not that easy,” she sadly responds, “I’ll deal. Okay, enough about Damon. Tell me about the Scott boys.”

“Oh you know, I have a jealous ex in Cali and a mysterious best friend who is back in town and won’t tell me anything, so yeah there’s that.”

“How does it feel to have Ryan back?” She sips on her second drink and lets me think. Honestly, the question is making me wonder. I’m not sure how I really feel. “Are you happy? Mad?”

“I mean,” I drink my martini and lean back in the chair. “Okay, so Ryan has been my best friend since we were little. You know how they are. And you know how I am with him. Remember how I told you I met Tyler first and that means something. Sure they’re identical and all, but I knew it was Tyler. It’s always been Tyler. There’s nothing to feel for Ryan, yet there is. Yes, I am happy he’s here. A part of me wonders why, though. He’s been gone for two years. But I’ve been dreaming about him. It’s so weird.”

Mandy sighs, “I saw him the other night.”

“What?”

“Yeah, we had dinner. You know, catching up and all that. He texted me and wanted to talk.”

A pang of slight jealousy hits. I didn’t know they had dinner. He told me the other night he was going out with his mom. Why would he lie?

“So how was it?” She looks down and I know that look. “Mandy?”

“I can’t say. I want to, trust me, but I can’t.”

I reach over and put my hand on hers. We sit in silence and drink our martinis before our server comes and takes our order. Mandy doesn’t say much and looks distant.

“Hey, so I was thinking about going to Del Monte this weekend. Spa day! Wanna go?”

“Yes please,” she smiles, “I need a deep tissue so bad.”

And now my best friend is back.

When dinner is over, I head to the gym and get on the treadmill. It’s too late outside to run and I need to clear my head. Listening to Mandy talk about Ryan and telling me she knows something I don’t know is bothering me. She’s never broken a promise and I didn’t want her to start now. My wandering mind goes to different places and I can’t get it out of my head. What could he have told her? I kick up the speed to seven and focus on my breathing instead of Ryan Scott.

Relief washes over me and thirty minutes later, I’m exhausted. Grabbing my things from the locker room, I head out and drive home. Once in my room, I look around and feel like something is off. Putting down my bag, I look down and notice a box on my bed. Sitting down, I open the box and inside there is a frame with a picture. The picture is of me, Tyler, and Ryan when we graduated high school. I pick it up and smile looking at the three of us. A card slides down and I pick it up to read it.

I thought you’d like this picture. It’s been with me every day since I left. I never stopped thinking about you or my brother.

Ryan

I look out the window and see his bedroom light on. Heading out to his house, I go inside and call his name. Taking the steps one by one, I feel weird being here. It’s been a while since I’ve been over, but I know Moira won’t have an issue with me here.

Opening his bedroom door, I see Ryan in bed. He’s on top of his covers and looks peaceful.

Sitting down, I pick up a book he was reading. It’s a book of poems by Robert Frost-his favorite poet. Flipping through the pages, I see the poems he’s marked and notes he’s made. Reading his words, the emotions, the metaphors, and the way he fluently highlights the painful expressions, noting his own. I look at him, questioning if this is how he feels.

“Why are you back?” I whisper, softly touching his face.

“Bayleigh?” I turn around and see Moira at the door. “Hi honey. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry I came in without saying hi to you. I didn’t see your car so I thought it was just Ryan home.”

“Oh goodness, don’t worry,” she smiles. “Come downstairs when you’re done.”

“Okay,” I smile back and turn to Ryan. Grabbing a blanket from his closet, I drape it over him and whisper goodnight before heading downstairs.

“Cookie?”

“Ah, I can’t. I just got done working out.”

“Oh please,” she waves her hand at me, “have one. You’ll be fine.” I give in and die as soon as the cookie touches my tongue. Honestly, this woman can bake. “How’s everything going?”

“Good,” I answer. “Working with Mandy at the firm as Damon Ridge’s PA and keeping busy.”

“Have you talked to Tyler?”

“Actually, we haven’t talked. I’ll text him later.” Moira smiles and puts out cookies on a plate. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she answers and I’m not convinced.

“Moira?”

Her head is down and I hear her sniffling, “Be there for my boys.”

“Of course. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, honey. Just wanted to say that. They miss you and I know you’ve been there for them all these years.”

Taking her hand, I give her a hug and we stand like this for a while. Since the death of her husband, David, she’s been fragile and sensitive. I don’t blame her. David was her world and he unexpectedly passed away.

Aneurysm.

I remember the day it happened and how broken they were. Ryan took it the hardest and Tyler took it upon himself to be strong for everyone.

“It’ll be okay,” I reassure her, “I’ll be here.”

It’s late when I get home so I don’t call Tyler. Instead I send him a text, letting him know I’m thinking about him and all is okay at home.

My heart races and my breathing is quick. My eyes won’t open. I feel his weight on me and his hands on my back.

“Get off me,” I cry, trying to pull away, trying to do anything I can to run.

“Bayleigh,” I recognize that voice, “it’s me, sweetheart. It’s me.” Turning over I see Ryan and the overwhelming emotions take over. The control I thought I had over me is gone. I feel helpless and I’m still letting Tony control me.

Ryan carefully pulls away, with his eyes on me, and lightly strokes my arm. The look on his face makes me turn away. Pity. Fear. I hate those looks.

“Are you okay?” I don’t answer. “Can you talk to me because you scared the shit out of me?”

“I thought you were Tony. During the rape,” I start to say, swallowing the lump in my throat, “he never let me see his face until the very end when he thought I died. He’s the last thing I saw before I blacked out. When you touched me, I don’t know what happened, I thought it was back to that night.”

I shouldn’t be going through this anymore. The vice grip on my throat tightens and the weight on my chest gets heavier. I’m panicking because I don’t know where I am. I know I’m in my room. I know I’m safe and Ryan’s here with me, but I’m not here.