“If me being here is too much, I’ll leave. But I thought it would be nice to have you sleep through the night without waking up screaming.”

“It’s not your fault, Ryan. I’m still scared and messed up. I appreciate you being here.” I mean what I say, but I know I’ll push him away the way I push Tyler away. I’m a mess. A hot mess and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me. Therapy didn’t help. Being around Tyler didn’t help. There’s nothing. The only one who can help me be stronger is myself. I need to pull myself out of the nightmare.

He runs his fingers through my hair and rests his other hand on my knee. “It’s going to be okay. You can’t let him take you down.” I nod, listening to what he’s saying, forcing myself to believe it.

“I’m going to protect you. Even if I have to buy a blow up bed and put it in your room or sleep on the floor up against the wall, shit, I don’t care. You need to tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”

“You’re doing it now,” I admit.

He leans down and kisses my forehead. I feel his breath on my face and feel his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and hold him back. But when I close my eyes, I don’t see Ryan. I see Tyler and the blue eyes I love so much are looking back at me with regret and sadness.

A vibration near my face wakes me up. I pick up my phone and see Ryan’s name on the screen.

“How do you feel about heights?”

I cringe, “Good morning to you too. I hate them. I’m so afraid of heights. I won’t even ride a roller coaster.”

“Perfect.”

I don’t respond. What’s he up to? “Why are you calling me so early?”

“Get up now and be ready in 15.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

I get out of bed and quickly get ready. Putting on shorts and a zip up hoodie, I throw my hair in a ponytail and head downstairs. My parents are away this weekend in Canada. They asked if I wanted to go. Honestly, I’m exhausted from working and need a few days to lay low.

Grabbing a quick breakfast, I hear the door open and see Ryan walking in with a smile on his face. I smile back and turn away. Part of me feels like I’m cheating. Guilt takes over and I feel a little uneasy. I want to cancel today and go back to my room.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I answer. “Just feeling a little tired.”

“Lies,” he responds and walks to me. “Whatever it is, you’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise,” he tells me, rubbing my shoulders. “Come on.” We head out of my house and to his car.

Ryan opens the door for me and as soon as he gets in he starts the car and drives. I still don’t know where we’re going. For some reason, I’m not uncomfortable either. I trust Ryan and trust is so hard to earn these days. He has no idea what he’s doing for me and I don’t want to tell him, either.

His hand grazes mine, causing a bit of a shock to me. I don’t pull away. “Can you give me a hint?”

“We’ll be there soon.” I see a hint of a smile on his face. “And by the way, you look beautiful.”

Instantly, I blush. The only person who has ever called me beautiful is Tyler. My heart aches thinking about him. He hasn’t texted me back and I know he’s upset with me for hanging out with Ryan. Glad he’s not here to see it now. I pull out my phone and send him a text message.

Me: Good morning!

“Where’s your head at?” Ryan asks.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Liar.” He’s not buying it.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Just then, Ryan pulls the car to the side of the road and puts the car in park. He turns to look at me. “What?” I ask.

“I think we need to come up with a plan.”

I sigh, “What plan?”

“In order for this friendship to work, we need to be able to be honest with one another and not keep secrets. Don’t be like those other girls and say nothing, when you really mean something. I hate guessing. Plus, I’m a guy and the language of women is so confusing. I know when you say nothing, something is wrong.”

“Thought you said our language is confusing.”

“It is,” he laughs, “so let’s try again. Where. Is. Your. Head. At?”

I roll my eyes, “Tyler and I are weird right now. I wish the both of you would talk and not let your fight get in the way of being brothers. It makes me feel guilty that I’m here hanging out with you when he’s asked me to come out to California multiple times and it doesn’t help that he comes back next week and I haven’t figured anything out.”

“I see. Well, do you still love him?”

I nod. “Forever. I only broke up with him because I didn’t want to hold him back. The rape changed me. I’m not the same girl that I was. I have bad nightmares. He treats me like a child, like a project that he needs to fix. I get it, but I think we needed space and time apart.”

“What you and Tyler have is special.” Ryan whispers, “It’s not something you can always find. My brother loves you and the both of you belong together.”

“I know he does and I love him too.”

“Do you know how hard it is to be back here?” I shake my head and listen. “It’s one of the hardest things I have to do because I know what I need to do.” He takes my hand and places our hands on his lap. “I will always choose you. Before, I didn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s my nature to hurt people and leave a path of destruction. Tyler’s the better brother and I’m the demon spawn.”

I glance up and see his pale face looking down. His hand is still on mine and I’m not sure what else he wants to say. I’m afraid to respond. I have no words. Ryan’s always been the different one. He’s a puzzle I can never put together. With me, he was sweet and sincere. I saw his destructive nature and how he treated people. Never me though.

“Why did you leave me?”

“Do you really want to do this now?”

I breathe in a breath. “Yes.”

“Because you deserve better.” I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head and feeling his grip get tighter. “You didn’t need me and I couldn’t stick around. The thing is,” he pauses and looks away then back to me, “I love you.”

“What?”

Ryan’s hand comes to my face. He gently touches it, tracing a line from my cheek to my lips. “Your lips are soft,” he whispers, “we should get going.”

“Not until you explain what you just said.”

“That I love you and I’ll always choose you. There’s nothing to talk about. You and my brother need to be together and you need to be happy.”

It takes me a minute to register everything he just admitted to me. What the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Getting out of the car, I put my hands on my head and let out a groan. I hear a car door close.

“Why did you tell me this?” I scream, not able to look at him.

“Because I needed to and now you know.”

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Nothing.” I turn around and see him leaning against his car with his arms crossed, “I want nothing. Just for you to be happy.”

“This is so wrong. I mean, you can’t just tell me you love me and you’ll always pick me and then think it’ll be okay. You’re confusing me and I don’t want to be confused. My life is supposed to be with Tyler.”

“Then be with Tyler. It’s not hard to figure out, Bayleigh.”

Part of me wants to tell him about the mixed feelings. Something’s stopping me and before I can talk, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s a text message from Tyler. I can’t bring myself to open it when I’m standing here arguing with Ryan.

“You don’t drop a bomb on someone and then expect them to be okay. How do you expect me to react?”

“Like nothing. I told you what I told you and now you have to be okay with it. I don’t expect anything. Now can we go please? After, we can talk more about it.”

I want to argue more and fight. There are so many questions circling my head and nothing is sitting right with me. Instead of saying anything else, I get back in the car and close the door. Ryan follows and starts the car, continuing down the road. My heart drops when we make it to the place he wants to take me. I see a helicopter and suddenly I can’t feel my feet.