“I get it Joe, I do,” I tried to console him. It was hard to find something to give when you felt so empty inside. But then there was Luc and he made me believe, until he pulled it all away. I sadly had no advice for my brother.

“What do you get, Vicky? I left Eva with a one month old. Flew back to the States for a couple weeks trying to garner up the courage to come home to Papa. To tell him what I had gotten myself into. I needed direction from him, even though deep down I knew I was coming home to a drunk that would give me a blank look when I told him he was a grandpa….do you hear that, Vicky? I was angry at him. I was living with this anger for so long it consumed me. I don’t understand how he backed away from Mama that way, and now I am no better than him. I backed away from Eva. Now Papa is dead and things are shot to hell, and now you are pregnant too,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air completely exasperated. He quickly stood up from the couch and began to pace the family room back and forth in a frantic motion. Tears sprang to my eyes. Things were seriously messed up. We had been without parents to guide us for only about two and a half years .and we had been messing up left, right, and center.

Once Joe had gathered himself together and realized I was crying, he knelt before me and wrapped me in his arms again as I cried on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Vick, I didn’t mean to lose it on you. I’m scared. I know I have to go back to get Eva and Nelly, but I won’t leave you alone either. I’m done fucking up.”

“You don’t need to take care of me Joe, I will be okay, but I agree you can’t just leave the mother of your child and your child back in Mexico.”

“I know, Vick, because if I do then I will be no better than him.” He gritted his teeth referring to Papa. Papa had abandoned us and I felt angry with him too, even though meeting Luc got me to understand that my papa was suffering from an incurable broken heart. I couldn’t hate him for loving my mama that way. My emotions were all mixed up, and Joe seemed to be on the same dark roller coaster I had got on.

“Joe, I know we’ve been feeling angry for Papa’s choices but I think he suffered from a broken heart. He loved Mama so much he couldn’t find a life without her. Can we really blame him for that?” Joe’s gaze softened as he took in what I was saying.

“You may have a point,” he agreed. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Let’s get through this week, then you go back and get Eva and Nelly, and we will figure things out.” I patted his shoulder.

“There you go again thinking of everyone but yourself, you are having a baby. I don’t think you get it, Vick, but trust me it’s real. Who’s the father? Shouldn’t he be manning up?”

As Joe asked the question my stomach sank again thinking of Luc. Thinking of how badly he had wanted a family all his life. He didn’t even know we had created a family, he would never know. “Joe, I don’t know how to tell you this. I wanted to wait until after the funeral but when Mama died she left me a letter.”

“She left me one too,” Joe responded squinting his eyes, assessing me. I’m guessing she must have told him that she loved him forever and what a great man he was. I couldn’t believe she told him the truth because she would never want to lose him or break his heart. He took a seat beside me on the couch again, and I straightened myself out and took a deep breath.

“The letter said that Tony wasn’t my father,” I began as Joe took a lung full of air. He didn’t speak though he was waiting. “Mama had gotten pregnant with me on a cruise ship she was dancing on. She fell in love with my father instantly, and they spent time together. He wanted her to join him in New York. He came from a wealthy family but they didn’t approve of Mama. Mama came back to Thunder Bay and realized that she was pregnant. Nana and Nono helped her out, but by the time she was at the end of her eighth month she realized it was a mistake to keep me from my father, and she left for New York. I made an early entrance and when she called my father, his mother intercepted and tried to pay her off. She left and never looked back. I didn’t know the truth until after she died. I went to New York in search of my father. I have been building a relationship with him. He’s been good to me.” I paused realizing that I had thrown a lot his way. He stared blankly out the window to our backyard. I looked out to the roller coaster I built three years ago with Jamie. My parents never had it taken down after I left. I looked around the room and I knew this house held a lot of good memories. “Say something, please.”

“She told me, Vicky, in my letter she told me… Papa was a single father when she met him. She told me about your father… She figured we were small enough that we would never remember not being a part of this family, so her and Papa decided to keep the secret. She explained that she felt like she was protecting me from myself. She didn’t want me to feel abandoned by my own mother leaving because she felt like I was hers from the moment she laid eyes on me.” Joe explained watching me with pain radiating from his eyes. I wanted to punch him, hit him, scream at him. I’d been carrying the burden of knowing so long that it was slowly breaking me, and here he knew the truth. We could have discussed it. We could have been there for each other, and he chose to pull away. He ran away. Despite my anger, sympathy washed over me. Joe’s mother met him and walked away from him. That is so much harder than what I experienced because my own father didn’t know I even existed. I now understand why he ran. Why he wasn’t able to cope. He probably felt like his life was a lie.

“Joe, I…” I began to say, but he put his hand up to stop me.

“Don’t, okay? We are clearly on the same boat here, we got those letters the same day, and instead of discussing it, we went in opposite directions. We are both at fault here so none of the self-righteous crap about me taking off right now.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right. I didn’t think you knew. I didn’t want to be the one to break your heart. You are still my big brother. You are still the guy that beat up Walter Evans when I was in sixth grade because he pulled my pants down at school,” I continued as the salty tears ran down my cheeks into my mouth. As I stared at Joe, I saw the wet pools in his eyes threatening to fall.

“That letter broke me. I didn’t know what to do. My head was spinning so bad I didn’t know which direction I was falling. I had to get out of here. I knew you were hurting bad, but I couldn’t get myself together, let alone help you. I thought I could search for my birth mother. I wanted to know why someone would leave a baby like that. I mean, I knew Jamie had his issues growing up because his mom left. I knew she told his father that small town living was suffocating her. It didn’t make sense. It was cruel and I always thought his mom must be some selfish bitch, and then I realized I was left behind too. The only difference was that I had a mother who loved me unconditionally. I knew what it was like to have her and to lose her, and that’s what killed me even more. I had lost two mothers,” Joe said, taking a hand and holding it to his temples. I could tell he was squinting his eyes hard and trying to hold himself together.

“I’m sorry, Joe, I should have known better. Of course she revealed the truth to both of us, she didn’t want to leave the world with us not knowing about our missing parts,” I replied rubbing his shoulder.

“I’m not sure my mother was a missing part, Vick. I mean, what kind of person takes off on her infant son? Mama told me because of you, because you needed to know who your real father was and that meant she had to explain the fact that I was not her son, or else how would I have been born before you when her and Papa didn’t meet yet?” he paused and took a breath. “I’m not blaming you, Vick, I may have felt angry at first, but you are as much of a victim to this lie as I am.”