He ends it there, but I need to know more. I’m not sure why I need to know. I’ve waited for so long.

“Like what?”

He takes a deep breath, his reluctance evident.

“Like, I went to a rave with her, and we both tried molly.” His eyes connect with mine. “I never even thought about doing drugs before. When we did it, I felt so full of life and love. It scared me, but it was exciting, too. I knew it was wrong, but I never felt like I could get into trouble with her.” He leans his head back against the headrest as his gaze shifts back to the outside. “We snuck onto the golf course at the country club in the middle of the night, and let’s just say we were doing more than getting drunk on the green.” He shakes his head with a smile at the memory.

“But these are things I would never have done without her. That was where I worked. I wasn’t a member, and I needed that job to help save money for college.” He looks back at me and gives me another small smile. “There is no guarantee on scholarships, so I need to save as much as I can.”

He takes a deep breath. “You know Ryan, Bri, and I have always been daring, but she pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I liked it. I hung out with Casey a lot last summer, too, and I got to know him. I liked him. He was tight with Ry and Brian since we were all working at the club. He’s a cool guy, and that’s what scares me the most with him.” His eyes meet mine, showing the same anger as every other time he mentions Casey, but there is also love for me in them.

“I mean, I get it. Their parents suck. They’re never around, and they couldn’t care less about their kids. It’s obvious they make up for their absence with their money. Casey and Dylan act like they own the world, and they kind of do. It was fun for the summer, but not forever.” His eyes come back up to meet mine, and my stomach does a flip at the sincerity in the word forever. It’s clear he thinks we could be forever just by the way he’s looking at me.

“Dylan had to go back to college early because of her sorority or something, so we had a few weeks of work left at the club after she left. I knew long distance with her wouldn’t last. Like I said, it was always fun, but I knew it was just for the summer, for me at least. So, before she left, I told her I thought we should break up.” He looks up to the ceiling of his car and takes a deep breath. He’s in a storytelling trance that I don’t dare interrupt.

“She was really upset, and I didn’t expect it. I thought she felt the same way I did, but she didn’t.” He shakes his head, and my heart breaks for her a little and for him, too. It’s apparent he still feels bad and maybe a little guilty.

“I knew something was off. I knew she was depressed. Then she started calling me all the time, which wasn’t really like her. I mean, one of the things I liked the most was her confidence. She’s a lot like Casey—the world is hers, and she’s always in control.” He shakes his head again. “But this was a different Dylan. She would leave so many messages it would fill up my voicemail.”

I smile to myself at the stabbing reminder of trying to reach Todd this summer and doing exactly the same thing—filling up his voicemail, trying to talk to him.

He looks back over at me, the pain of retelling this story written all over his face, but the guilt is clear now, and that’s something I haven’t seen before.

“I didn’t want to lead her on, Ash, so I didn’t call her back. Not once.” I see the glisten in his eyes.

My heart sinks. I now know why he’s never wanted to talk about it. There is raw pain there, something he tried to hide for so long. I’m mad at myself for wanting to find out the truth this summer and for making him relive this now.

“Todd, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anymore.” I reach for his hand, needing to touch him, needing him to know I’m here for him.

He takes a deep breath and presses his lips together. I can tell he’s fighting to keep it together.

He shakes his head again. “No, I should have told you months ago. I need to say this. I’ve never really talked about it with anyone.”

He takes a deep breath before continuing. “The day it happened, I was at work. We all only had a few days left. I just finished caddying for one of the bigger guys at the club when I saw Casey walking up. I knew something was wrong. He didn’t say anything; he just pushed me in the chest and screamed, ‘She’s in the hospital, you asshole.’ I knew exactly who he was talking about, and I didn’t know what to think. Casey was ready to fight, and I was trying to absorb what he just said. ‘She’s on a ventilator, and it’s your fault’.” Todd’s voice cracks, letting me know his emotions are winning the internal battle.

I reach for his hand again and squeeze it. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

When he glances over at me, I can tell he still has more to say. “I asked him what happened, and he just started screaming again, saying, ‘What do you think happened? You broke up with her and then fell off the face of the earth.’ Then it all clicked for me, I knew what she tried to do, and he was blaming me.”

I run my hand along his arm, but he is deep in thought. “What did you say?” I ask gently.

His eyes quickly land on mine then refocus on something outside the front window. “I was so mad. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me, and I couldn’t believe she would do something like that to herself. Casey was right up in my face, and I didn’t care anymore that we were at work or that we were surrounded by people. And trust me, everyone was staring. That place is a cesspool of gossip.”

He’s so focused it’s like he’s traveled back to that day, reliving every detail.

“I pushed him back. This was not my fault, and I knew it. Dylan had a lot of issues, and I might have been one of them, but I knew this wasn’t because of me, so I shouted back in his face, ‘This is not my fault. You know why I didn’t call her back.’ ” He looks at me to explain, “I talked to him about Dylan, and we both thought it was best not to return her calls, and then he was standing there, blaming me? I couldn’t even be upset for what just happened to her or to even find out if she was going to be okay. Instead, I wanted to kill Casey, so I pushed him back harder, and he launched at me. That was it.

“I really wanted to hurt him, Ash. I couldn’t believe someone I thought was my friend—someone I talked to about everything, and we both decided it was best for Dylan not to return her calls—was standing there, blaming me for something so terrible. I knew he had to be hurting. I know I couldn’t handle it if something like that ever happened to Sid, but none of that mattered.” He stops himself when he realizes how much he just said, but it’s clear he has needed to talk about it for a long time. Once he started, everything just poured out.

He gives me a small smile. “I don’t really remember what happened next. I lost control in that moment. I know I did.”

He looks back out the front window. “The next thing I remember is Brian shouting in my face and pushing me back. I remember looking over at Casey, who was a bloody mess, and I knew I wasn’t much better, but I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I got suspended from work, which I still hate.” He squeezes the steering wheel in front of him.

“What happened to Casey?” As soon as the words spill out, I regret it. But for once, there is no hate from Todd when I mention him.

“Nothing. His dad got him off because they’re members. He went to work as usual. His dad threatened to get me kicked off the football team, though. I guess they donated money for our field a few years ago—tax deduction or something—so he even has power at our school.”

“But when Dylan woke up, she told them it wasn’t me; it was them—her parents. And of course, they couldn’t handle that, so they still blame me, but Dylan wouldn’t let them do anything.”