“Need you, Sev. Need you so much.” He buries his face against my shoulder, holding me so tight I can barely breathe.

Maybe this is what he needs, a reaffirmation of life after all the harsh emotions of the last few days. I kiss him fiercely, hoping he can feel how much I love him. How much I miss him.

It’s been so hard to feel him pulling away from me. That first day he couldn’t even look at me and I know it’s because it made him think about what he had to do. It scares me that I might lose him now after everything we’ve gone through. I feel so selfish thinking about myself when he’s just lost his father but I’d be lying if I pretended I wasn’t worried.

I’m terrified that he’ll always look at me and see death and pain and loss.

He walks us backward until we end up on the bed, falling in a tangle of arms and legs. He takes my nipple between his lips and then his hand is pulling my thong off. Leveraging above me he thrusts so deep, until I’m stretched almost to the point of pain.

“Yes. That’s what I need.” His head falls back on his shoulders and I look up at him, glorying in the sight of him in the throes of pleasure. When his eyes fall to mine, he looks tormented.

“Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours. I’m only yours, Luke.”

My whispered promise doesn’t seem to satisfy him. He slides deep and grinds against me until I cry out.

“Tell me you’ll never leave me.”

It’s a struggle to open my eyes when he’s circling his hips that way. I shudder underneath him but manage to moan, “I’ll never leave you, baby.”

His agonized groan sends a skitter of sensation down my spine and I arch against him, the taut tips of my breasts brushing his chest.

“Do that again. Clench around me.”

I deliberately tighten my internal muscles.

“Fuck.” 

That sets him off and I lift my hips, trying to match his rhythm. His arm slides underneath and holds my hips in place as he hammers against me. He’s usually so gentle but this fierce, untamed version of Luke is turning me on in a whole new way. It’s all I can do to hang on for the ride, as he takes me hard, pounding me to a fast, sweaty orgasm.

It doesn’t roll through me like a wave, rather it slams into me and leaves me panting after it’s over. He cries out and by the quick jerk of his hips and how his shoulders bunch and flex beneath my fingers, I know he’s come, too. I hold him against me, not ready to let him go just yet. But when I try to pull back, he tightens his arms around me. He shudders again and turns his head away and my heart breaks all over again.

All I can do is hold the man I love close and pretend not to feel the moisture leaking onto my shoulder.

†

Over the next few weeks, things seem better. I send my landlord two months’ rent in exchange for breaking my lease and arrange for movers to pack up my apartment. It’s odd to be making these sorts of changes but I’m determined to go forward with purpose. No more sticking my head in the sand or avoiding hard decisions.

Luke wants me to stay and there’s nowhere I want to be more than here. He needs me. And I need him, too.

He’s been spending a lot of time on his coding initiative. I think it’s just an excuse to take his mind off things but I wholeheartedly approve of anything that focuses his mind on something productive.

We spend hours each day debating ideas and brainstorming. At times he seems almost like the old Luke. Brilliant and creative and driven.

At other times he seems like a mere shadow.

He’s gone to help Tank set up his new stereo system, something I suspect is just his brother’s way of checking up on him. If I didn’t already like his brothers, I would absolutely adore them by now. Every day someone has found a reason to stop by and see him.

Luke doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs, so the fact that they’re coming to him shows how well they know him. And how much they care for him. Even though Luke often feels like the odd one out since he didn’t grow up with any of them, it’s equally as obvious that they’re determined to include him in their lives going forward.

Something I’m grateful for.

Things have been so hectic around here that I’ve missed my last two calls with Grace. I’ve been emailing her to let her know what’s going on but it’s not the same as hearing her voice. I settle on the couch and call her. As usual she answers right away. When she hears my voice, the music in the background immediately lowers.

“Hey. How are things going? Is Luke doing any better?”

I didn’t tell Grace the whole story but she’s aware that Luke’s been having a hard time dealing with his father’s death. She still doesn’t know about my role in things.

“Better. Much better. I’m so sorry I couldn’t call before.”

“It’s fine. I totally understand.”

“I just didn’t want you to think I forgot about you. Things have just been so messed up here.”

“Whoa, Sev. What’s going on? I’ve never heard you so upset before.”

I sniffle, trying to rein in my emotions. It’s been an emotional few weeks. And now I have to admit to her that after all the promises I’ve made, I’m probably not going to get custody of her after all. Agent Walker hasn’t contacted me again but since the raid went so wrong, I seriously doubt if he’s going to be anxious to help me. Truthfully, I’m just trying to stay off his radar completely.

“I did something. Something I’m not proud of.”

Grace doesn’t interrupt for once but I can hear her breathing on the other end so I know she’s listening.

“At the time I told myself I had a good reason. It was so I could push my petition for custody through. I was worried that I wouldn’t be approved otherwise. Now it’s all ruined anyway so you’ll have to stay with the Barnetts a little longer until I can figure something else out. I’m so sorry, Grace.”

I take a deep breath. It was hard to admit my mistakes but I feel better now that she knows. It’s disappointing but I just want her to know that I haven’t given up on her. That I’ll never leave her to fend for herself, the way I had to.

She sighs.

“Seven … I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this for months now. The Barnetts have actually said that they … they want to adopt me.”

“They do?”

Even though it’s a great thing and I should be happy for her I can’t deny that I feel a little lost hearing this. Through everything I’ve always thought of Grace and I being together again one day. A real family. Now she’s going to be family with someone else.

“I was afraid to tell you.”

Now I’m ashamed. She’s had the opportunity to have some stability in her life and she’s been holding off out of fear of hurting me. Again, somehow I’ve managed to make it all about me when it’s supposed to be the other way around.

“Oh Grace. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of anything. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“It’s just that you’ve always worked so hard trying to figure out a way for us to be together. And I’m just here living a normal teenage life. Without you. When they told me they wanted to adopt me, I felt so guilty for being happy when you’re still alone.”

Her voice is so small that she sounds like a little girl again. Maybe that’s my problem. In my head she’s forever that abandoned baby and I haven’t been ready to see that she’s growing up. It’s time for both of us to move on.

“We’ve both been feeling guilty for wanting to live our lives. But maybe this is how things are meant to be. You’ll always be my sister, Grace. No matter what.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Go tell the Barnetts that you’re ready to get adopted.”

She sniffles a little on the other end of the line. “Okay. But wait, what about you? Does this mean that you’re going to stay with the hottie hacker now?”